kids....

When I told you I had a dream about being pregnant....
You told me that, thats not what we need right now....
I fucking know I wouldnt be able to handle a kid right now, shit.
But you... you telling me thats not what 'we' need right now?
dude, If I REALLY wanted a kid, I'd go get a fucking loan, and go adopt my own kid!
You can not,... can not! tell me thats not what 'we' need right now.
you can tell me thats not what 'you' need.

Jared,... it was a dream.... a... DREAM!
Like,.... I cant even kid around my dad about that stuff... I cant even tell you I had a dream. I cant say anything without you two like, telling me what im allowed to do, when im allowed to do it, and how im allowed to think it.
Im only allowed to tell you 'IF or WHEN I have kids'

Like, I dont even want kids anymore.


My last relationship.... It was 'when WE have kids... we're gonna have kids, we're gonna get married when I come back' and that wasnt coming from me... that was coming from him.

We've talked about kids,.... I've never said I wanted your kids.... maybe this is why.... Because if I had, and every time you'd just say 'this isnt what we need right now' well idk what I'd do with myself. Im sorry I said that though. I didnt mean to really say that. I said it cause I was hurt... and I felt like you were hurting me on purpose

Its like, if you even wanted to be with me forever, its like, if you said you had a dream that we were married,...
and all I said was:
:/ Thats not what we need right now.


Seriously! How do you think that made me feel?

My Best Friends....

My best friends are never my best friends to begin with...
They are all just people who tell me that they can handle me,... that we'll be friends forever.... that we're a family,...

And all of those are just lies.... always.

People I've dated say that we'll always be friends, or they will always love me....
I have a few of those.... but its not enough to call it friendship.

It doesnt matter if you grew up with someone.... It doesnt matter if you spent every single day with them for 5 years,....

It doesnt matter if you told them your deepest darkest secrets.... There is no such thing as 'best friends forever'

Not in my book,... but,.... I still hope you will be....
I hope you never hate me,... I hope you dont see like the others do. I hope that you see me different in your eyes... But than I hope you see it, and I hope that your sight never grows old.

Im no damsel in distress, but your still my hero.
Im not homeless, but your still my shelter.
Im not heart broken, but you still gave me your heart.


Im tired of people fighting over a guy, or guys getting mad for their friends dating their exs....
Im tired of girls getting jealous of each other's looks...
or money, or whatever....
Sometimes Im scared to think, to do,... I express my feelings by typing, and responses....
But sometimes letting my friends know how I feel no longer cuts it.... No one cares about what their best friend has to cry about... Its every man for themself....

I can tell you what your doing is wrong,... and you'll hate me for that,... even if Im trying to give you advice,... you'll hate me for that,... If I know something will bring you down,... You'll hate me for that.
Choose what you want with your own life,... Im just trying to point things out.


IDK where I was going with this anymore.... but I just wish there was more people out there that were more understanding, or accepted that people dont like certain things.....

I wish I had friends that would consider me as family...
Its hard to find people like that...

I thank you Jared, for being there for me