Happy New Years

Im glad we're not fighting anymore....
I hope I get to see you on the 6th.... its on a Thursday tho =/
Also, I got my gift.... I hope maybe one day you can help me set it up and such...
You know how I dont like reading instructions.
idk why, but I feel like just talking about random stuff..... so this is probably gonna be like a weird blog to you.... or you may notice that thats how my first blogs used to be, before drama started happening.


idk why, but I feel kinda sick-ish. I shouldnt though. maybe its because I havnt had enough sleep again... The night before, I had about 4 hours of sleep.... than I woke up at 6am today....
my cat kept me up. ugh! idk if he just wanted lots of attention cause I havnt been around for a long time or something.

Well tonight is new years eve... Im sure you've got SOMETHING planned. If you do, I hope you have fun =]
Im gonna do what I do every year =p
nothing.
I have celebrated new years when I was young....
The Filipino tradition is to leave coins all over the house for good luck...
and I can remember my mom used to get so many fruits [12].... Its also a Filipino tradition to have dinner at the table... and the fruits can only be round....
analogy is round = coins = money. and it should be twelve fruits so that the blessings and good fortune will last the whole year (12 = months in one year)
I miss my mom. She was fun.

I went to church wednesday night... and this guy brought in bags and bags of persimmons.... they are fruits... my mom used to eat them all the time. I havnt had one since my mom passed away. In fact, now that I think about it, I havnt eaten a lot of things my mom used to eat since she passed.

I was going to have a persimmon thursday morning before I left, but after the event from the night, I wasnt really in the mood to eat anything at all. I mean, we went to mc donalds, and all I had was a hash brown lol

I got more chocolates..... UGH! I just remembered my dad waking me up this morning asking if I wanted anything from the store... I should have asked for powerdered sugar to make you more candy.... I totally forgot. Did you even want more candy? The ones I made at my grandparents house were sooo much more better =]
My grandpa wanted me to give some to the neighbors, but I told him they were for the family for christmas eve and christmas.... he got mad once I finished because he was all like 'for the family? you made enough for the whole city!'
yea..... the candy was gone before christmas eve night was even over lol

so yea, did you still want me to make you some candy?

Oh, I was kinda wondering if you could go to the store with me one day to go pick something out cause I wouldnt know what to look for. Its for myself, but yea. You dont have to if you dont want. we're on a break, I know, and understand, but was just wondering if you could go with me.


So I guess my dad said something about looking for classes for me for that nursing stuff... I think im excited?

You know, Im surprised you still read my things....
or read my VF journals.
I dont think anyone really got the point of that journal.
idk if you have or not... probably not tho.
but it still made me happy when you told me you read it.


I wanna make cookies right now x.x
I got fat from christmas.... my grandpa nags and nags if I dont eat breakfast or lunch....
and than he made eggs with bell pepers... and I told him I didnt like bell pepers... yea... wasnt a good idea.
I swear, its only me and my dad that he hates.
I know he dislikes his other granddaughters too, but atleast he doesnt bitch at them.
they are all oh so fucking rich! their house is a normal rich persons house, not like a mansion or anything, but they were all wearing the newest boots, and all the rich peoples clothes....
they had one of those fancy k-cups coffee things... and got my grandpa one for christmas...
and my grandma a sweater lol.
she was all like 'yup, you can tell they love him more than me'
But this time around, my grandpa wasnt that bad.
He kept saying 'you'll find a guy... dont worry about jared' and than he would say 'I thought you were dating' and then he'd go 'i thought you were single' and I hadnt even mentioned you to him. [to my grandma, yes... and if Im talking about drama stuff, she wouldnt tell him anything]
My grandpa is getting old...

I told my grandma about you and the whole prison thing. Shes not a judgmental person at all. She is always super nice.


ANYWAYS! I think im typing too much, so I think im gonna stop here, even though I still wanna keep typing lol =p
Happy new years.

-Mouse

Baseball Game

I dont feel like sharing...
But I dont feel like keeping it to myself.
I dont feel like posting it here,
but I dont know where else to post it.


This one friend of mine works in the homeless shelter, to make food for the homeless...
And a memory flashed.....

'I was walking out of the crowded room to go find you. I was afraid they were going to call us, and you wouldnt find us once we sat down... well of course I wouldnt leave you... I'd go find you, so I guess 'we' wouldnt find 'them' when they sat down. I walked out, and you were smoking, talking to that homeless guy. He said that I was pretty, and if I was your wife. Of course you said I was only your girlfriend...'

I think. I cant remember what you said. I remember he was just telling me I was pretty...
And I can remember how you used to be proud that I was your girl.
I can remember when you used to pull me close and smile, and say 'this is my girl'
And it was always that same smile of yours.

finally done

you said you'd text me if you had service...
and yea....

jared, you dont see that your being a total JERK!
no offense... but you are.
I'll talk more on the 6th....
but I love you jared... I really do.
but your just pushing me to realize that I am not 'in love' with you.
or im not in love with this person your showing me.
the person I was in love with is nowhere around anymore.
hes not even there for me when I need him.

merry christmas

I wish we could talk more....

its been a while...

Its been a while since we let each other know that we miss, and love each other....
And its been a while since I've cried because I was missing you....
I guess it was all the movies i've watched today....
and it seemed like I last talked to you today, leaving on bad terms...
And I was looking at some friend's pictures....
and my other friend was telling me how great her bf is, and how he HATES knowing she cries and such...
It just sucks feeling like no one cares about you...
or not having friends who really know you well...
like D.... he knows me well....
but I think Alayna told him something.... cause I asked her to tell him to call me and she got all pissy and stuff....
I just feel alone....
I hate missing you. =/
And I hate being alone..... not just feeling alone, but actually being alone.




A few nights ago I had a dream you told me you were having sex with Krystal....
And it was like you just told me and didnt have a care in the world of how it made me feel....
You were glad to get rid of me.
I havnt been telling you a lot of things because I feel like you no longer really care about anything.... but at the same time I know you worry...

BiPolar

idk what happened to us...
one minute you seem like you love me,
the next, you seem like your trying to get rid of me.
I cant take this Jared.
I need to know the truth.
No games
no lies
nothing....
I can only handle this for so long before I give up
I know your going through a hard time Jared, I know....
And maybe this is just how you act and your shutting people out...
I am here for you. I dont know if you understand that... but im here for you.
I just am tired of playing games.
I understand you dont want to be around me too much...
but your the one who wanted me to come over, and spend time with me...
So whatever is going on, I dont know. I wish I did know because it hurts.
And Im tired of being hurt....
Im not going to hang onto someone who doesnt want to be with me.

Morning

I feel like I still havnt gotten enough sleep.
Lastnight I went to Erin's house to help her clean if she could help me do something...
Yea, we never did it. I helped her clean, than we got pizza and JD and he decided he was gonna pop pills, so I just decided I wanted to leave because what I wanted to do was never gonna be done.

You didnt seem worried about me about not texting back, or being home or anything.
And you seemed more bummed out that chicka didnt go than me not going lol =p
But oh well. >.< Dont really care.
Glad you had a fun night tho.
I still wanna use that stupid red tutu I got so we could finally go dressed in your favorite color but since there wont be another rave till like summer time, I might as well just put it away somewhere.

Anyways, I wanna get you something for christmas, but idk what really =[
That just makes me sad because that makes me sound like I dont know you enough to know what to get you. But than again its always easy to get something for girls, cause they always talk about stuff they want.
I mean I might know what to get you, but idk if you'd really actually like it or use it, so idk if I wanna buy it haha.

And I wanna get something for piper too!!! But idk what to get him either =[
Except tennis balls which you said you had a new thing of tennis balls for him already

So I can see your going back into that insecure state. Which is fine just dont pick a fight with my models. Accept invites to people trying to help rebuild bridges, and I would love if things are settled with star if thats what Paco wants to do, but that doesnt mean you have to ever go back.... but it could probably help me out with everything settled. I havnt told her I knew about anything yet so idk if Im welcome there or not still.

That thing on the 21st we wernt actually invited, they just gave us the flyer, and my dad wants me to try and get ahold of them. its from Sati Ghrimm that girl that always passes out flyers so hopefully we can do it or something.
Are you still gonna do it with my dad? Or was it just a 'in the moment, dont wanna be rude' type thing?


idk why you want me to make blogs so bad, or stuff, but I have tried not to write, because Im trying not to feel feelings I guess you could say. But I miss you.... I do.
I miss spending time with you, during the day time, and I miss you coming over to my house, and I miss laying in your arms.... I just miss everything.
I miss being able to tell you I love you without feeling like Im saying it too often, that it's just gonna scare you away...
I really liked how you would tell people 'this is my babe'
Like, it makes me smile.

Im tired of hanging out with you just at night time.... Like you dont want anyone to see us together, but than friday night just like changed everything.... except all my friends saw you with a horrible attitude, but thats ok, cause I still love you, and I know what was REALLY going on, and everyone else doesnt, and I accept, and understand why you were acting the way you were. [even if you could have taken it down a knotch, or not kept yelling 'fuck him' in front of Starr]

I wish you were around more often =/
But I understand and get why your not lol so its all good



So yea! that dream! [btw, did you thinks of me when Matt was on?]
Yea, that dream. I was watching a movie about how the war goes and I just watched that video, and we were in like, some foren country and as soon as I was done watching it, you came into the head quorters or whatever its called, and like laid down with me, and told me you had to leave for war in like 10 minutes and we were already out at war, but I was like a computer tech person or something where I had to work with electronic shit, so I wasnt fighting, but you were, and so we were like laying there till you had to leave, and I just watched that video, so I was scared as all hell, and crying and stuff =[

But than you texted me and woke me up and the dream didnt come back, so im happy.
Oh when I said 'im glad you had fun, sad but glad' I meant like 'sad' that I couldnt go lol
but doesnt matter. guess it was too soon to go do something together like that hm?
Just dont 'surprise me and buy me something if your gonna give it away later on' again.... I would have bought it. So.... if we ever decide to go somewhere ever again, I'll buy my own ticket from now on... I didnt go off and sell your ticket so yea xD
But again, thats the past, lastnight, I dont give a shit anymore, just a forwarning if we're ever gonna go out and do something again, I'll just buy it myself =]


Anyways, ima cut my bangs.... I hope I dont mess up =/
Cause if I mess up on my hair, this is what i'll probably say if I hate it THAT much 'My hair is so ugly, your never gonna ask me out ever again'
Or since you wanna 'talk' and im already assuming you dont wanna date again, I'll probably just say 'you'll never wanna look at me again' cause thats what I said last time I hated my bangs... but whenever I cut my bangs myself, they always turned out fine, so I guess they'll probably be fine.


You know, I have never seen so many shooting stars ever... well I might have...
but I have seen like 5 shooting stars in the past week.... or two...
ok, so I have probably seen more shooting stars in one setting.
but still....
I have been wishing on the same thing every single time I've seen one. =/

ok, I think im already talking too much, probably scaring you away again, or making you upset, or whatever.
Im trying to change into a better person so I dont keep scaring people away,.... and cause one day I hope I could become a better person for you too =[



OH JD totally thought deadmau5 <--- [haha, no spell check needed. Awesome] lived in denver lol I was jus like 'nope, he just loves denver oh so much'

anyways,
bye
<3
Mouse

this time, last month

about 3:30 saturday, after deathwish last month
='(

Deathwish

I really, really wanted you to come to Deathwish, just to watch....
But I saw you declined it.

=/
It just looks like you care less and less
I can see your moving on faster.
Good for you.