You Lost... Bye

Heres your last blog...
commenting on my pictures, and status was a bad idea Jared...
You should have told me you cheated on me a long ass time ago....
I knew I was just a back-up till you found someone else...
And that someone else was Jena...
Thanks for using me.
You never cared, dont lie...
Your just trying to look good for Jena... but your a fucking horrible person Jared...
I may not know you anymore, but I know your fucking games.


You didnt win....
I dont care what of mine you have, but I dont want you to have it, because I dont want you to t hink you won.... because you didnt.
Is breaking a girl's heart winning?
You broke my heart, broke my spirit...
Is that honestly something you can be proud about?

Like talking with Ronnie...
Any hint of their depression, you hit it, and you hit it hard....
You told me 'I hit their weakness'
So you said that his what, 5 month old baby was a bastard... and his girl had every right to him away from Ronnie? Ronnie broke up with the girl, not the other way around.

Yes, you will always be on my mind.... Yes, I will still love you... Yes, I care if your alright, but really, I dont give a shit about anything else. I dont want you in my life again.
You knew me for just a short while...
After I really fell for you, I suddenly became afraid to loose you...
You should never be afraid to loose someone...
So I became attached, and became stressed, depressed, scared....
I wasnt myself...
So honestly, you only really knew me a short time.
But atleast I tried.
Just sucks I loved a total asshole more than I have loved anyone else.

But yea... dont think you won... because there is nothing to be proud about breaking someone's heart.... or breaking someone's spirit, hopes, dreams...

Trying to think...

Im trying to think of what to say in your last blog...
Its not going to be this one, but the next one....
Maybe it might not...
maybe one day you'll randomly pop into my head, and I'll just think of something to write about you.
I havnt gotten out of bed today yet....
Its saturday... and shit always goes down between us the night of deathwish
We fucked up, and there is no going back. Your probably happy about it. I havnt decided if I am yet or not.
Me and Matthew dont talk anymore...
I felt bad yesterday for not giving your CD when Starr came up and asked...
She was cute.... dressed up as hitgirl

I wish we could still be friends, but you dont want to be, so Im not going to act like a friend.... however I love you and always will, and you know that, so I'll still be here for you. But I dont want you to be here for me.... I dont want you to worry about me.... I dont want anything. Your the one who doesnt want to be friends, and took this all too out of control, and want all your stuff back, you threatened to break into my house, so I dont want to be apart of your life... I want you to be apart of my life, but I dont want to be in your mind....
you said your not like the other boys..... Jared.... I love you, but look in the mirror.... and say that again.

In all honesty, I dont want to give your stuff back, because they are all that I have left of you..... and giving them back is like loosing apart of me.... even tho I've already lost you, they are all that I have to hold onto....

but they are your things, even tho you gave them to me....
idk what you have of mine....
I'd like to be talked about one day, like you did with jennifer...
but giving each other everything back is just like acting like we never had anything,... and we never loved each other..

and like we didnt even exist

drugs...

I dont know where else to post this...
If I could, I'd go back to Turlock right now, to get away, but going there wont help anymore...
nothings the same.

Unicorns...
They are said to be pure...

Unicorns have a lot of meaning to me...
Sometimes I think that theres other reasons other than taking care of my mom, that I have never done drugs, or dont drink...
And I live off of that...
That maybe because I dont do that, that there is something more for me...

And than I notice that all the drug addicts,... all the stoners, all the people who drink a lot... well, they have more friends, are always more fun...
Why do the pure people seem boring?
Is it the thing to be on drugs all the time?
Is it the new thing to choose drugs over friends and family?
Maybe teen pregnancy isnt that bad...
Parents who are always high off of something are...

You know whats funny? All my friends in Turlock were never on drugs...
Sure they all drank alot, but at the time, no one was an alcoholic... Just drank for fun.

There is nothing you can do about drug addicts.... except to not have them in your life....
Sometimes thats what I wish... to have every drug addict to just not talk to me.
I dont want to say how I really feel.... Because if I said it, than I dont think you'd talk to me.

But than there are times when I think 'maybe I should just be on drugs than, if everyone else is doing it' And to tell you the truth, I have never felt this pressured... and no one even asks me! and I still feel pressured...
I dont want to blame anyone, but If I were somewhere else, Im sure I wouldnt feel this pressured....

And Im kinda ashamed of myself for even thinking that....

Bye...

Jared...
I may have fucked up, but so did you. Posting 'time for something new' and 'thinking too much, but its the right thing' and just letting my mind run, without assuring me that nothing was wrong.... was wrong.
This is better for us, and you know it is. I just wish you wouldnt be so immature about who I talk to and such. Not talking to me ever again cause I might do a shoot with someone, is beyond childish. That right there just makes me not want to talk anyways.

If you want me back, you only want me back because you dont like the idea of me being with someone else, not that you ACTUALLY want me back... thats how I feel you'd think. Im not saying its true, but thats how I've felt for a long time.

You chose the wrong time to fuck with my head Jared... The morning after the 6th? After I was already having a bad day? Of course Im going to assume the worst.

But I do wish things would have been different.... I wish we could have made it.... If you do love me, I wish you would realize it.... I wish you wouldnt let other people's words get in the way.

We did love each other... well, I hope you loved me...
Because we fought for each other.... I stopped talking to people for you... I ditched my friends because you told me to.... At one point of time, you told people that you would get with me, and that it was your life... not theirs... We argued about little things, but made it through. We cried for each other... I was there when you asked me to be, especially for your dad.
And if fighting for each other isnt love, than i dont know what is...

I just wish I knew what happened the other day... what made you think whatever it was you were thinking. And why all of the sudden... What did I do?
I tried to give you everything I could possibly give you,.... But I guess that wasnt enough =/

I love you Jared, I do.... I really really do.... And I really wish I could fix things with you, but its too late... This is what you want, Im sure....
In a way, this is what I want too... I just didnt feel like I was being treated right... I gave you all my love, but I didnt feel the same feeling. Maybe thats all I'll ever get since I cheated on Derrick... karmas a bitch I guess...
And maybe we are right for each other... And maybe what we're doing now is wrong.... And maybe if we held on a little longer, things would get better, and I wont be such a mess after getting a job, and keeping my mind busy... and maybe I wont be so stressed all the time.
Or.... maybe we'll find someone better, and you will be happier.

But I cant stay here.... not without you. I just cant. I dont see that happening. I dont see us fixing things anymore... I feel that you are too convinced that its not going to work, and.... idk what Im thinking... Maybe im thinking too much, and just overreacting and shouldnt have said anything that night, and maybe you want to work things out too... but I dont feel like you do. And im sure you dont.

Im hoping this is the right thing.... I really am. But it doesnt feel like the right thing.
And if it isnt the right thing... than we're both fucked...
But if it is the right thing, than its the right thing...
But I can not stay... I wont tell you I miss you anymore.... though I always will... always have since Nov.
But I already planned to move back to Oceanside in a few months...
I start work on the 18th, so Im saving up some money to have when I move. IDK how long I'll be in Oceanside,.... idk if I might move to LA or to some other big city, or even back to Denver, which I dont think I will...

I wish to still stay friends.... I dont think we will though... Atleast not now. I'd like to, but I feel like you wouldnt want to.

But on Monday, Im telling my dad about Oceanside.... I know the people Im living with very well, well atleast one, the other I went to school with... hes cool. So if you even would worry about me anymore, dont worry about that.
I will always worry about you... and I'll always think about you im sure. And Im sure I'll always wonder if I made the right choice....
Because arnt you supposed to feel right about making the right choice?
Maybe not right away I guess...
But if you have dought in your mind... If your not sure if its right or not... usually thats your heart telling you something.

Faith doesnt find its way to everyone... not everyone is blessed with making the right choices, or making bad choices, that lead to good choices... Sometimes people make a bad choice, and nothing good comes out of it... Sometimes we make the choices we shouldnt have made...

But hopefully this was the right choice.... hopefully something good will come out of this for the both of us. I wish things were different, or we could have made it.... but all I can wish for now, is that this is the right choice.... Because I dont want to end up being with someone Im not supposed to be with... and I dont want you to end up being with someone your not supposed to be with.
That dream of us in the taxi, where we made the wrong choices, and it was too late... Sometimes it makes me wonder if it means something... or if its just my head thinking.


Well, Im typing too much. I only wanted to tell you that I am moving.... and I hope that we both made the right choice... and that I love you...
And I always will...
And I'll always be here for you, as long as you let me.
So this is goodbye I guess....

Love,
Mouse....

Her! ugh

Jared... I like your mom,... just thought I'd let you know. Sure sometimes its no fun when she doesnt let me over, or even want me over.... but I can understand that. Its rare for me to like someones parents... either they are just 'there' or I hate their guts... And I usually dont hate many parents... there are like just a few I absolutely cant stand... so most parents are just 'there' to me... but I like your parents.

I got a message from Derrick's mom... And it has to come out somehow... so I thought I'd write it to you.... idk why.

btw, Derrick is my friend, and nothing more, incase you start to think something, stop. Derrick was there when I needed him when my mom got cancer... not so much when my mom was actually passing away... which is why I ended the relationship... and also cause I was stupid and did stupid shit... But hes still a friend. Anyways...


Message from Derricks mom:
"I have read some of the posts you sent to Derrick. It sounds like you have matured nicly. How are you doing? What have you been up to? I know I said we shouldnt be friends. It was a long time ago, and my son was still hurt. But he seems fine with it now. I hope you understand, from a mom's point of view. I have a lot of spiritual people and reverands as my friends, so if you just post nice stuff, does your mature side still want to be friends? If not, I understand. I still have loving feelings for you, regardless of what I did in the past. Once I love, its very rare that I stop loving the person I have started to love. So either way girl, know you are loved by me."



According to her, I was immature from age 16-19 Because when I first met her I didnt have a job... and her son had a crush on a no body
Age 17 I was immature because I had too much feelings...
I was immature because I was 17, going to school, working, and taking care of my mom who had cancer.
When I was 18 I was immature because her son was engaged to a girl who still had too much feelings, was always in a bad mood, and was still going to school, taking care of her ill mother, and had no plans for college
At the age 19, I was immature because my mom was in the hospice and I had way too many emotions, I didnt know what to do with myself, or knew what I wanted.... so I broke up with her son. Well,... in the worst way possible. THAT was really the only immature part of me I could really possibly see.


She believes in this stupid book called 'the secret' or something like that. you believe good things will happen, and they will. Yes, that works,.... on some things.... we tried that with my mom....
'treat her like shes going to live... and she will' yea, no, didnt work. her cancer went away, and came back... there are just certain things that'll happen no matter what you do.

I lived with Derrick's mom... I dont remember where my mom was living, I dont remember if I was going to school at the time, I dont remember if I was working.
All I remember in that house, was staying in the room... taking pictures.... having dinner, and arguing because they wanted to tell me how to live my life, because I was so immature...
Which is why I moved around a whole lot after that, and I got a car, and than I moved into the house again where there was no hot water or anything...
Its all such a big blur to me.

But for her to be a spiritual person and to say Im immature because I was taking care of a mother, going to school, and having a job is just... retarded.

I sent her a message back, saying I was never immature... that I was going through a hard time taking care of my mom, waking up at 2, 3, 4 in the morning, because I always had to give her her pills or help her move in bed, or help her get up out of bed to use the restroom... And than I told her that I express through writing, and that Im thankful for everyone on my private fb that understands that, and knows thats how I work, and for everyone else who doesnt understand, or can accept me for how I am, they can add me on my public fb [which is where I was messaging her from] [cause there is just no point in not expressing shit, just so I can add her] and that I told her I am just now starting life all over again because you inspired me to [you jared, lol not her]

What is it with all these stupid adults acting so childish? and rude? Yea, its cool to be young when your old... but to be all dramatized is not. its just stupid. Spiritual my ass

just gotta let it out

i know my dads cool and all,... but I gotta get out of here before he drives me insane....
I cant stand being treated like a 3 year old anymore....
its just.... ugh!
Im not used to this... and i hate it....
I'd sit in my room all day long if it didnt make me feel guilty