Im glad we're not fighting anymore....
I hope I get to see you on the 6th.... its on a Thursday tho =/
Also, I got my gift.... I hope maybe one day you can help me set it up and such...
You know how I dont like reading instructions.
idk why, but I feel like just talking about random stuff..... so this is probably gonna be like a weird blog to you.... or you may notice that thats how my first blogs used to be, before drama started happening.
idk why, but I feel kinda sick-ish. I shouldnt though. maybe its because I havnt had enough sleep again... The night before, I had about 4 hours of sleep.... than I woke up at 6am today....
my cat kept me up. ugh! idk if he just wanted lots of attention cause I havnt been around for a long time or something.
Well tonight is new years eve... Im sure you've got SOMETHING planned. If you do, I hope you have fun =]
Im gonna do what I do every year =p
nothing.
I have celebrated new years when I was young....
The Filipino tradition is to leave coins all over the house for good luck...
and I can remember my mom used to get so many fruits [12].... Its also a Filipino tradition to have dinner at the table... and the fruits can only be round....
analogy is round = coins = money. and it should be twelve fruits so that the blessings and good fortune will last the whole year (12 = months in one year)
I miss my mom. She was fun.
I went to church wednesday night... and this guy brought in bags and bags of persimmons.... they are fruits... my mom used to eat them all the time. I havnt had one since my mom passed away. In fact, now that I think about it, I havnt eaten a lot of things my mom used to eat since she passed.
I was going to have a persimmon thursday morning before I left, but after the event from the night, I wasnt really in the mood to eat anything at all. I mean, we went to mc donalds, and all I had was a hash brown lol
I got more chocolates..... UGH! I just remembered my dad waking me up this morning asking if I wanted anything from the store... I should have asked for powerdered sugar to make you more candy.... I totally forgot. Did you even want more candy? The ones I made at my grandparents house were sooo much more better =]
My grandpa wanted me to give some to the neighbors, but I told him they were for the family for christmas eve and christmas.... he got mad once I finished because he was all like 'for the family? you made enough for the whole city!'
yea..... the candy was gone before christmas eve night was even over lol
so yea, did you still want me to make you some candy?
Oh, I was kinda wondering if you could go to the store with me one day to go pick something out cause I wouldnt know what to look for. Its for myself, but yea. You dont have to if you dont want. we're on a break, I know, and understand, but was just wondering if you could go with me.
So I guess my dad said something about looking for classes for me for that nursing stuff... I think im excited?
You know, Im surprised you still read my things....
or read my VF journals.
I dont think anyone really got the point of that journal.
idk if you have or not... probably not tho.
but it still made me happy when you told me you read it.
I wanna make cookies right now x.x
I got fat from christmas.... my grandpa nags and nags if I dont eat breakfast or lunch....
and than he made eggs with bell pepers... and I told him I didnt like bell pepers... yea... wasnt a good idea.
I swear, its only me and my dad that he hates.
I know he dislikes his other granddaughters too, but atleast he doesnt bitch at them.
they are all oh so fucking rich! their house is a normal rich persons house, not like a mansion or anything, but they were all wearing the newest boots, and all the rich peoples clothes....
they had one of those fancy k-cups coffee things... and got my grandpa one for christmas...
and my grandma a sweater lol.
she was all like 'yup, you can tell they love him more than me'
But this time around, my grandpa wasnt that bad.
He kept saying 'you'll find a guy... dont worry about jared' and than he would say 'I thought you were dating' and then he'd go 'i thought you were single' and I hadnt even mentioned you to him. [to my grandma, yes... and if Im talking about drama stuff, she wouldnt tell him anything]
My grandpa is getting old...
I told my grandma about you and the whole prison thing. Shes not a judgmental person at all. She is always super nice.
ANYWAYS! I think im typing too much, so I think im gonna stop here, even though I still wanna keep typing lol =p
Happy new years.
-Mouse
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Baseball Game
I dont feel like sharing...
But I dont feel like keeping it to myself.
I dont feel like posting it here,
but I dont know where else to post it.
This one friend of mine works in the homeless shelter, to make food for the homeless...
And a memory flashed.....
'I was walking out of the crowded room to go find you. I was afraid they were going to call us, and you wouldnt find us once we sat down... well of course I wouldnt leave you... I'd go find you, so I guess 'we' wouldnt find 'them' when they sat down. I walked out, and you were smoking, talking to that homeless guy. He said that I was pretty, and if I was your wife. Of course you said I was only your girlfriend...'
I think. I cant remember what you said. I remember he was just telling me I was pretty...
And I can remember how you used to be proud that I was your girl.
I can remember when you used to pull me close and smile, and say 'this is my girl'
And it was always that same smile of yours.
But I dont feel like keeping it to myself.
I dont feel like posting it here,
but I dont know where else to post it.
This one friend of mine works in the homeless shelter, to make food for the homeless...
And a memory flashed.....
'I was walking out of the crowded room to go find you. I was afraid they were going to call us, and you wouldnt find us once we sat down... well of course I wouldnt leave you... I'd go find you, so I guess 'we' wouldnt find 'them' when they sat down. I walked out, and you were smoking, talking to that homeless guy. He said that I was pretty, and if I was your wife. Of course you said I was only your girlfriend...'
I think. I cant remember what you said. I remember he was just telling me I was pretty...
And I can remember how you used to be proud that I was your girl.
I can remember when you used to pull me close and smile, and say 'this is my girl'
And it was always that same smile of yours.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
finally done
you said you'd text me if you had service...
and yea....
jared, you dont see that your being a total JERK!
no offense... but you are.
I'll talk more on the 6th....
but I love you jared... I really do.
but your just pushing me to realize that I am not 'in love' with you.
or im not in love with this person your showing me.
the person I was in love with is nowhere around anymore.
hes not even there for me when I need him.
and yea....
jared, you dont see that your being a total JERK!
no offense... but you are.
I'll talk more on the 6th....
but I love you jared... I really do.
but your just pushing me to realize that I am not 'in love' with you.
or im not in love with this person your showing me.
the person I was in love with is nowhere around anymore.
hes not even there for me when I need him.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
its been a while...
Its been a while since we let each other know that we miss, and love each other....
And its been a while since I've cried because I was missing you....
I guess it was all the movies i've watched today....
and it seemed like I last talked to you today, leaving on bad terms...
And I was looking at some friend's pictures....
and my other friend was telling me how great her bf is, and how he HATES knowing she cries and such...
It just sucks feeling like no one cares about you...
or not having friends who really know you well...
like D.... he knows me well....
but I think Alayna told him something.... cause I asked her to tell him to call me and she got all pissy and stuff....
I just feel alone....
I hate missing you. =/
And I hate being alone..... not just feeling alone, but actually being alone.
A few nights ago I had a dream you told me you were having sex with Krystal....
And it was like you just told me and didnt have a care in the world of how it made me feel....
You were glad to get rid of me.
I havnt been telling you a lot of things because I feel like you no longer really care about anything.... but at the same time I know you worry...
And its been a while since I've cried because I was missing you....
I guess it was all the movies i've watched today....
and it seemed like I last talked to you today, leaving on bad terms...
And I was looking at some friend's pictures....
and my other friend was telling me how great her bf is, and how he HATES knowing she cries and such...
It just sucks feeling like no one cares about you...
or not having friends who really know you well...
like D.... he knows me well....
but I think Alayna told him something.... cause I asked her to tell him to call me and she got all pissy and stuff....
I just feel alone....
I hate missing you. =/
And I hate being alone..... not just feeling alone, but actually being alone.
A few nights ago I had a dream you told me you were having sex with Krystal....
And it was like you just told me and didnt have a care in the world of how it made me feel....
You were glad to get rid of me.
I havnt been telling you a lot of things because I feel like you no longer really care about anything.... but at the same time I know you worry...
Friday, December 17, 2010
BiPolar
idk what happened to us...
one minute you seem like you love me,
the next, you seem like your trying to get rid of me.
I cant take this Jared.
I need to know the truth.
No games
no lies
nothing....
I can only handle this for so long before I give up
I know your going through a hard time Jared, I know....
And maybe this is just how you act and your shutting people out...
I am here for you. I dont know if you understand that... but im here for you.
I just am tired of playing games.
I understand you dont want to be around me too much...
but your the one who wanted me to come over, and spend time with me...
So whatever is going on, I dont know. I wish I did know because it hurts.
And Im tired of being hurt....
Im not going to hang onto someone who doesnt want to be with me.
one minute you seem like you love me,
the next, you seem like your trying to get rid of me.
I cant take this Jared.
I need to know the truth.
No games
no lies
nothing....
I can only handle this for so long before I give up
I know your going through a hard time Jared, I know....
And maybe this is just how you act and your shutting people out...
I am here for you. I dont know if you understand that... but im here for you.
I just am tired of playing games.
I understand you dont want to be around me too much...
but your the one who wanted me to come over, and spend time with me...
So whatever is going on, I dont know. I wish I did know because it hurts.
And Im tired of being hurt....
Im not going to hang onto someone who doesnt want to be with me.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Morning
I feel like I still havnt gotten enough sleep.
Lastnight I went to Erin's house to help her clean if she could help me do something...
Yea, we never did it. I helped her clean, than we got pizza and JD and he decided he was gonna pop pills, so I just decided I wanted to leave because what I wanted to do was never gonna be done.
You didnt seem worried about me about not texting back, or being home or anything.
And you seemed more bummed out that chicka didnt go than me not going lol =p
But oh well. >.< Dont really care.
Glad you had a fun night tho.
I still wanna use that stupid red tutu I got so we could finally go dressed in your favorite color but since there wont be another rave till like summer time, I might as well just put it away somewhere.
Anyways, I wanna get you something for christmas, but idk what really =[
That just makes me sad because that makes me sound like I dont know you enough to know what to get you. But than again its always easy to get something for girls, cause they always talk about stuff they want.
I mean I might know what to get you, but idk if you'd really actually like it or use it, so idk if I wanna buy it haha.
And I wanna get something for piper too!!! But idk what to get him either =[
Except tennis balls which you said you had a new thing of tennis balls for him already
So I can see your going back into that insecure state. Which is fine just dont pick a fight with my models. Accept invites to people trying to help rebuild bridges, and I would love if things are settled with star if thats what Paco wants to do, but that doesnt mean you have to ever go back.... but it could probably help me out with everything settled. I havnt told her I knew about anything yet so idk if Im welcome there or not still.
That thing on the 21st we wernt actually invited, they just gave us the flyer, and my dad wants me to try and get ahold of them. its from Sati Ghrimm that girl that always passes out flyers so hopefully we can do it or something.
Are you still gonna do it with my dad? Or was it just a 'in the moment, dont wanna be rude' type thing?
idk why you want me to make blogs so bad, or stuff, but I have tried not to write, because Im trying not to feel feelings I guess you could say. But I miss you.... I do.
I miss spending time with you, during the day time, and I miss you coming over to my house, and I miss laying in your arms.... I just miss everything.
I miss being able to tell you I love you without feeling like Im saying it too often, that it's just gonna scare you away...
I really liked how you would tell people 'this is my babe'
Like, it makes me smile.
Im tired of hanging out with you just at night time.... Like you dont want anyone to see us together, but than friday night just like changed everything.... except all my friends saw you with a horrible attitude, but thats ok, cause I still love you, and I know what was REALLY going on, and everyone else doesnt, and I accept, and understand why you were acting the way you were. [even if you could have taken it down a knotch, or not kept yelling 'fuck him' in front of Starr]
I wish you were around more often =/
But I understand and get why your not lol so its all good
So yea! that dream! [btw, did you thinks of me when Matt was on?]
Yea, that dream. I was watching a movie about how the war goes and I just watched that video, and we were in like, some foren country and as soon as I was done watching it, you came into the head quorters or whatever its called, and like laid down with me, and told me you had to leave for war in like 10 minutes and we were already out at war, but I was like a computer tech person or something where I had to work with electronic shit, so I wasnt fighting, but you were, and so we were like laying there till you had to leave, and I just watched that video, so I was scared as all hell, and crying and stuff =[
But than you texted me and woke me up and the dream didnt come back, so im happy.
Oh when I said 'im glad you had fun, sad but glad' I meant like 'sad' that I couldnt go lol
but doesnt matter. guess it was too soon to go do something together like that hm?
Just dont 'surprise me and buy me something if your gonna give it away later on' again.... I would have bought it. So.... if we ever decide to go somewhere ever again, I'll buy my own ticket from now on... I didnt go off and sell your ticket so yea xD
But again, thats the past, lastnight, I dont give a shit anymore, just a forwarning if we're ever gonna go out and do something again, I'll just buy it myself =]
Anyways, ima cut my bangs.... I hope I dont mess up =/
Cause if I mess up on my hair, this is what i'll probably say if I hate it THAT much 'My hair is so ugly, your never gonna ask me out ever again'
Or since you wanna 'talk' and im already assuming you dont wanna date again, I'll probably just say 'you'll never wanna look at me again' cause thats what I said last time I hated my bangs... but whenever I cut my bangs myself, they always turned out fine, so I guess they'll probably be fine.
You know, I have never seen so many shooting stars ever... well I might have...
but I have seen like 5 shooting stars in the past week.... or two...
ok, so I have probably seen more shooting stars in one setting.
but still....
I have been wishing on the same thing every single time I've seen one. =/
ok, I think im already talking too much, probably scaring you away again, or making you upset, or whatever.
Im trying to change into a better person so I dont keep scaring people away,.... and cause one day I hope I could become a better person for you too =[
OH JD totally thought deadmau5 <--- [haha, no spell check needed. Awesome] lived in denver lol I was jus like 'nope, he just loves denver oh so much'
anyways,
bye
<3
Mouse
Lastnight I went to Erin's house to help her clean if she could help me do something...
Yea, we never did it. I helped her clean, than we got pizza and JD and he decided he was gonna pop pills, so I just decided I wanted to leave because what I wanted to do was never gonna be done.
You didnt seem worried about me about not texting back, or being home or anything.
And you seemed more bummed out that chicka didnt go than me not going lol =p
But oh well. >.< Dont really care.
Glad you had a fun night tho.
I still wanna use that stupid red tutu I got so we could finally go dressed in your favorite color but since there wont be another rave till like summer time, I might as well just put it away somewhere.
Anyways, I wanna get you something for christmas, but idk what really =[
That just makes me sad because that makes me sound like I dont know you enough to know what to get you. But than again its always easy to get something for girls, cause they always talk about stuff they want.
I mean I might know what to get you, but idk if you'd really actually like it or use it, so idk if I wanna buy it haha.
And I wanna get something for piper too!!! But idk what to get him either =[
Except tennis balls which you said you had a new thing of tennis balls for him already
So I can see your going back into that insecure state. Which is fine just dont pick a fight with my models. Accept invites to people trying to help rebuild bridges, and I would love if things are settled with star if thats what Paco wants to do, but that doesnt mean you have to ever go back.... but it could probably help me out with everything settled. I havnt told her I knew about anything yet so idk if Im welcome there or not still.
That thing on the 21st we wernt actually invited, they just gave us the flyer, and my dad wants me to try and get ahold of them. its from Sati Ghrimm that girl that always passes out flyers so hopefully we can do it or something.
Are you still gonna do it with my dad? Or was it just a 'in the moment, dont wanna be rude' type thing?
idk why you want me to make blogs so bad, or stuff, but I have tried not to write, because Im trying not to feel feelings I guess you could say. But I miss you.... I do.
I miss spending time with you, during the day time, and I miss you coming over to my house, and I miss laying in your arms.... I just miss everything.
I miss being able to tell you I love you without feeling like Im saying it too often, that it's just gonna scare you away...
I really liked how you would tell people 'this is my babe'
Like, it makes me smile.
Im tired of hanging out with you just at night time.... Like you dont want anyone to see us together, but than friday night just like changed everything.... except all my friends saw you with a horrible attitude, but thats ok, cause I still love you, and I know what was REALLY going on, and everyone else doesnt, and I accept, and understand why you were acting the way you were. [even if you could have taken it down a knotch, or not kept yelling 'fuck him' in front of Starr]
I wish you were around more often =/
But I understand and get why your not lol so its all good
So yea! that dream! [btw, did you thinks of me when Matt was on?]
Yea, that dream. I was watching a movie about how the war goes and I just watched that video, and we were in like, some foren country and as soon as I was done watching it, you came into the head quorters or whatever its called, and like laid down with me, and told me you had to leave for war in like 10 minutes and we were already out at war, but I was like a computer tech person or something where I had to work with electronic shit, so I wasnt fighting, but you were, and so we were like laying there till you had to leave, and I just watched that video, so I was scared as all hell, and crying and stuff =[
But than you texted me and woke me up and the dream didnt come back, so im happy.
Oh when I said 'im glad you had fun, sad but glad' I meant like 'sad' that I couldnt go lol
but doesnt matter. guess it was too soon to go do something together like that hm?
Just dont 'surprise me and buy me something if your gonna give it away later on' again.... I would have bought it. So.... if we ever decide to go somewhere ever again, I'll buy my own ticket from now on... I didnt go off and sell your ticket so yea xD
But again, thats the past, lastnight, I dont give a shit anymore, just a forwarning if we're ever gonna go out and do something again, I'll just buy it myself =]
Anyways, ima cut my bangs.... I hope I dont mess up =/
Cause if I mess up on my hair, this is what i'll probably say if I hate it THAT much 'My hair is so ugly, your never gonna ask me out ever again'
Or since you wanna 'talk' and im already assuming you dont wanna date again, I'll probably just say 'you'll never wanna look at me again' cause thats what I said last time I hated my bangs... but whenever I cut my bangs myself, they always turned out fine, so I guess they'll probably be fine.
You know, I have never seen so many shooting stars ever... well I might have...
but I have seen like 5 shooting stars in the past week.... or two...
ok, so I have probably seen more shooting stars in one setting.
but still....
I have been wishing on the same thing every single time I've seen one. =/
ok, I think im already talking too much, probably scaring you away again, or making you upset, or whatever.
Im trying to change into a better person so I dont keep scaring people away,.... and cause one day I hope I could become a better person for you too =[
OH JD totally thought deadmau5 <--- [haha, no spell check needed. Awesome] lived in denver lol I was jus like 'nope, he just loves denver oh so much'
anyways,
bye
<3
Mouse
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Deathwish
I really, really wanted you to come to Deathwish, just to watch....
But I saw you declined it.
=/
It just looks like you care less and less
I can see your moving on faster.
Good for you.
But I saw you declined it.
=/
It just looks like you care less and less
I can see your moving on faster.
Good for you.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Halloween
Its scary to see on your page that just a few days before Halloween you seemed so in love with me....
just a few weeks ago...
And that one bad night,... than the next night, than the night after that...
Do you ever think that if those nights never happened...
we would have never gotten stressed out?
And pissed off?
And that we wouldnt have taken it out on each other?
And that we would still be together?
Do you think that Halloween did this to us?
just a few weeks ago...
And that one bad night,... than the next night, than the night after that...
Do you ever think that if those nights never happened...
we would have never gotten stressed out?
And pissed off?
And that we wouldnt have taken it out on each other?
And that we would still be together?
Do you think that Halloween did this to us?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
I Wish...
I know you dont even read these anymore...
I wish you did.
I wish you cared about what I still have to say...
I wish I could tell you things, but im afraid.
Im afraid to tell you anything because Im afraid it might make you angry.
Im afraid it might make you angry and start a fight.
and Im afraid Im going to loose you.
I guess Im just going to have to wait till we're strong again
because I am trying my best
I am trying with all that I have to fix things.
I love you babe
Im sorry Im such a mess up =[
I cant stop thinking about how close we used to be =]
I love you,
Krystalle
I wish you did.
I wish you cared about what I still have to say...
I wish I could tell you things, but im afraid.
Im afraid to tell you anything because Im afraid it might make you angry.
Im afraid it might make you angry and start a fight.
and Im afraid Im going to loose you.
I guess Im just going to have to wait till we're strong again
because I am trying my best
I am trying with all that I have to fix things.
I love you babe
Im sorry Im such a mess up =[
I cant stop thinking about how close we used to be =]
I love you,
Krystalle
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Love Me
Im not bringing up stuff, or complaining, or anything....
Im trying to open up my feelings to you since we havnt talked in a while....
Like really 'talked talked'
So I will write...
and you probably wont like it.
Because to you, it'll just sound like Im complaining.
"Sometimes I just want to shut off our phones....
Just so you and me could talk online more...
Tell each other how much we miss each other...
write to the world how much we love each other...
To pay more attention to each other, when we're with each other...
Sometimes I want to take away the car....
Just so we could feel how valuable our time is with each other...
Willing to get as much change just to see each other...
To feel the love for each other, by how much we get worried about each other going home alone...
Sometimes....
I wish I wasnt so love...
I wish I could 'man up'...
I wish I didnt want to be the princess...
I wish there was no such thing as tears...
I wish there was no such thing as pain..
or hope
or wishes
Sometimes...
I wish we were from back in the day...
Where we'd both be working hard, and the best thing in the world is to sit at the table with your wife, husband, and kids.
Where there was no television...
Where there were no cars...
Where cheating on your loved one, was something that got you killed...
Where people took the time to write, and mail letters...
Where love was the strongest thing ever...."
I was watching that 'cheesy robin hood' [as you would say] and a guy was paying the church to be with his wife [I didnt really follow why]
and he was so poor... every time he made ANYTHING... even 12 shillings, he would run there, just to pay to get his wife from the church, so he could finally get married to her.
You are so busy with seeing me, that I dont notice that you dont have time for romance... but more time of 'seeing me'
Your always talking to me, that I dont notice you dont have time to talk about me,... but more of talking 'to me'
Your so busy telling me you love me, that I dont notice you dont you dont have time to tell the world you love me,... but more time of telling 'me' you love me.
So there for, I worry, I complain, Im in pain, I doubt, I wonder, I cry, I beg, I seek, I pleed, I try, I show, I hurt, and all in all, I dont see a change.
But like I said, your too busy being with me, that everything else 'must be canceled out' because as long as your with me... you dont have to tell the world, you dont have to be romantic, or you dont have to talk 'about me' right?
My life revolves around you. I dont want to do things... without you there, but I have to...
As you do too...
I just want too much in life, and I just miss how things used to be.
I miss seeing you post about me.... ALL THE TIME...
but you dont even care to go online anymore... you just want to talk to me.
I miss you wanting to get on the bus.... just to see me for an hour or two...
I miss you comming into my room and surprising me...
I feel like if something happened to us...
I feel like you were the first to tell me you loved me, and you'd be the first one to stop saying it...
as I was the last to say I loved you...
and I'd be the last to say it between us.
I just miss you so much...
and I feel like you dont miss me as much.
I feel like I love you so much more...
More than you love me.
In the past few days you missed:
Me dancing with just your red sweater on, and no underwear...
Me hugging your sweater when I go to bed...
Me sleeping next to a pillow now, cause it makes me feel less alone...
Me watching a bunch of movies alone...
Me job searching... alone...
And.... me...
being alone.
I miss you so much =[ and whenever I say 'I wish I could see you' all you can do is 'i cant take days off, not this late in the season!' blah blah blah....
I wish I could see you tonight, but your probably not wanting to because you have work in the morning...
but I do.... DO hope I get to see you wednesday night, and thursday...
and I hope you get to come with me on saturday
but if you have work saturday, I understand...
I love you and miss you
Im trying to open up my feelings to you since we havnt talked in a while....
Like really 'talked talked'
So I will write...
and you probably wont like it.
Because to you, it'll just sound like Im complaining.
"Sometimes I just want to shut off our phones....
Just so you and me could talk online more...
Tell each other how much we miss each other...
write to the world how much we love each other...
To pay more attention to each other, when we're with each other...
Sometimes I want to take away the car....
Just so we could feel how valuable our time is with each other...
Willing to get as much change just to see each other...
To feel the love for each other, by how much we get worried about each other going home alone...
Sometimes....
I wish I wasnt so love...
I wish I could 'man up'...
I wish I didnt want to be the princess...
I wish there was no such thing as tears...
I wish there was no such thing as pain..
or hope
or wishes
Sometimes...
I wish we were from back in the day...
Where we'd both be working hard, and the best thing in the world is to sit at the table with your wife, husband, and kids.
Where there was no television...
Where there were no cars...
Where cheating on your loved one, was something that got you killed...
Where people took the time to write, and mail letters...
Where love was the strongest thing ever...."
I was watching that 'cheesy robin hood' [as you would say] and a guy was paying the church to be with his wife [I didnt really follow why]
and he was so poor... every time he made ANYTHING... even 12 shillings, he would run there, just to pay to get his wife from the church, so he could finally get married to her.
You are so busy with seeing me, that I dont notice that you dont have time for romance... but more time of 'seeing me'
Your always talking to me, that I dont notice you dont have time to talk about me,... but more of talking 'to me'
Your so busy telling me you love me, that I dont notice you dont you dont have time to tell the world you love me,... but more time of telling 'me' you love me.
So there for, I worry, I complain, Im in pain, I doubt, I wonder, I cry, I beg, I seek, I pleed, I try, I show, I hurt, and all in all, I dont see a change.
But like I said, your too busy being with me, that everything else 'must be canceled out' because as long as your with me... you dont have to tell the world, you dont have to be romantic, or you dont have to talk 'about me' right?
My life revolves around you. I dont want to do things... without you there, but I have to...
As you do too...
I just want too much in life, and I just miss how things used to be.
I miss seeing you post about me.... ALL THE TIME...
but you dont even care to go online anymore... you just want to talk to me.
I miss you wanting to get on the bus.... just to see me for an hour or two...
I miss you comming into my room and surprising me...
I feel like if something happened to us...
I feel like you were the first to tell me you loved me, and you'd be the first one to stop saying it...
as I was the last to say I loved you...
and I'd be the last to say it between us.
I just miss you so much...
and I feel like you dont miss me as much.
I feel like I love you so much more...
More than you love me.
In the past few days you missed:
Me dancing with just your red sweater on, and no underwear...
Me hugging your sweater when I go to bed...
Me sleeping next to a pillow now, cause it makes me feel less alone...
Me watching a bunch of movies alone...
Me job searching... alone...
And.... me...
being alone.
I miss you so much =[ and whenever I say 'I wish I could see you' all you can do is 'i cant take days off, not this late in the season!' blah blah blah....
I wish I could see you tonight, but your probably not wanting to because you have work in the morning...
but I do.... DO hope I get to see you wednesday night, and thursday...
and I hope you get to come with me on saturday
but if you have work saturday, I understand...
I love you and miss you
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
blot 2 OMG I WANT!
why didnt I see this page before?!?! OMG I WANT THE INDIAN ONE!!! I want like... ALL OF THESE!!!
I guess thats why I should have a job lol
so I can look sexy for you xp
but these are sooooo expensive!
here are my favs: [you dont have to look at all of them right now if your tired]
http://www.yandy.com/Indian-Maiden-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Floppy-Bunny-Rabbit-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Fox-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Indian-Warrior-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Groovy-Woodstock-Baby.php
http://www.yandy.com/Honey-Bee-37.php
http://www.yandy.com/Lovely-Lady-Bug-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Plaid-Schoolgirl-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Seductive-Squaw.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Asian-Girl.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Play-Bunny.php
http://www.yandy.com/Striped-Skirt-and-Lace-Top-Set.php
http://www.yandy.com/Prrfection-Leopard-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Mistress-Pirate.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Kandy-Korn-Witch.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Panda-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Naughty-Pussycat-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Wolf-Costume.php
lol gingerbread girl
http://www.yandy.com/Gingerbread-Girl.php
HEY LOOK! its cheshire the cat,... only its blue for some odd reason.
http://www.yandy.com/Cheshire-Cat-Costume.php
and here is a different cheshire the cat
http://www.yandy.com/Clubbin-Kitty-Costume.php
another cheshire the cat... I would buy just the leggings if I could
http://www.yandy.com/Cheshire-Cat-Halloween-Costume.php
ANYWAYS!!
which ones do you like so I can order it in the morning:
just click it, and when you put your curser over the picture, you should be able to magnify it... to make it bigger.
Um.... I WANNA GO! http://www.ravelinks.com/forums/f100/nov26-basshunter-global-fridays-the-church-419919/
I guess thats why I should have a job lol
so I can look sexy for you xp
but these are sooooo expensive!
here are my favs: [you dont have to look at all of them right now if your tired]
http://www.yandy.com/Indian-Maiden-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Floppy-Bunny-Rabbit-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Fox-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Indian-Warrior-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Groovy-Woodstock-Baby.php
http://www.yandy.com/Honey-Bee-37.php
http://www.yandy.com/Lovely-Lady-Bug-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Plaid-Schoolgirl-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Seductive-Squaw.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Asian-Girl.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Play-Bunny.php
http://www.yandy.com/Striped-Skirt-and-Lace-Top-Set.php
http://www.yandy.com/Prrfection-Leopard-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Mistress-Pirate.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Kandy-Korn-Witch.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Panda-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Naughty-Pussycat-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Wolf-Costume.php
lol gingerbread girl
http://www.yandy.com/Gingerbread-Girl.php
HEY LOOK! its cheshire the cat,... only its blue for some odd reason.
http://www.yandy.com/Cheshire-Cat-Costume.php
and here is a different cheshire the cat
http://www.yandy.com/Clubbin-Kitty-Costume.php
another cheshire the cat... I would buy just the leggings if I could
http://www.yandy.com/Cheshire-Cat-Halloween-Costume.php
ANYWAYS!!
which ones do you like so I can order it in the morning:
just click it, and when you put your curser over the picture, you should be able to magnify it... to make it bigger.
Um.... I WANNA GO! http://www.ravelinks.com/forums/f100/nov26-basshunter-global-fridays-the-church-419919/
A Job
So I hope your not mad at me because I didnt go off and look for a job...
I want to know what your thinking... thats what I was thinking about last night...
'why' you were pushing me so hard to get a job... And all I could think was 'he wants me to have a job or he might think im a horrible gf' or something along those lines...
but I did fill out applications online.
Anyways, I made a new facebook for business, modeling use only. or like,... a place I cant post my depressing shit.
anyways, so my dad and cassie settled things.. but than cassie talked to this guy [i forgot what hes called, but pretty much if someone wants to fire someone, or if someone wants to talk about being fired, in an unfair way] anyways! she talked to him, lets call him carl... so she talked to carl about her boss wanting to fire her... carl said that her boss was telling him 'he wants to have a group meeting, and try to fix things' and that he told carl something different. so carl, cassie and her boss wanna have a meeting about this... but 'boss' will know that my dad was the one who told cassie that he wants to fire her.
so that means..... my dad could get in trouble since their boss doesnt like him either. in fact, their boss doesnt like my dad's little gang at all.
and so if my dad looses his job, he said it wouldnt be so hard to find another one, but he would want to move back to the springs...
=[
I dont wanna move, or leave you, or anything
I hope nothing bad happens
Anyways, I love you
I want to know what your thinking... thats what I was thinking about last night...
'why' you were pushing me so hard to get a job... And all I could think was 'he wants me to have a job or he might think im a horrible gf' or something along those lines...
but I did fill out applications online.
Anyways, I made a new facebook for business, modeling use only. or like,... a place I cant post my depressing shit.
anyways, so my dad and cassie settled things.. but than cassie talked to this guy [i forgot what hes called, but pretty much if someone wants to fire someone, or if someone wants to talk about being fired, in an unfair way] anyways! she talked to him, lets call him carl... so she talked to carl about her boss wanting to fire her... carl said that her boss was telling him 'he wants to have a group meeting, and try to fix things' and that he told carl something different. so carl, cassie and her boss wanna have a meeting about this... but 'boss' will know that my dad was the one who told cassie that he wants to fire her.
so that means..... my dad could get in trouble since their boss doesnt like him either. in fact, their boss doesnt like my dad's little gang at all.
and so if my dad looses his job, he said it wouldnt be so hard to find another one, but he would want to move back to the springs...
=[
I dont wanna move, or leave you, or anything
I hope nothing bad happens
Anyways, I love you
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Do You Remember?
Do you remember when we first met?
And do you remember when we went to Raves?
And how I was upset, and we went to wendy's?
I was kinda nervous being around you alone without the other guys there too....
I didnt exactly know what to say, as I always would be when meeting new people.
And remember how we used to try to get online at the same time so we could talk to each other?
And how we kept missing each other... you and your silly games I tell ya. lol.
Remember how we went to the zuni's park [or whatever its called]
and you'd sit there with me when I was bored...
I really just wanted to lay down, and I wanted you to lay with me.
And on the way home, I held your hand for the first time....
I wanted to hold your hand all the way home.
I wanted you to come over everyday so I could hear your voice and see your face...
Do you remember getting butterflies? Or that feeling you may get when you just want to say so much stuff, but you get too scared to say anything because you might mess up? or that feeling when you accidently touch my hand, or that feeling you get when you know we're about to see each other, or when we try to impress each other...
You wernt my type, but I found that I really liked you anyways...
And though you've done drugs, and didnt have a great past, I was really hoping that you may wanted to be with me,...
and maybe somewhere in you, you wanted to spend the rest of your life with one person, and not go from girl to girl...
So when we were on the bus, talking about kids...
I was surprised you said anything about even having a kid with someone.
And than I didnt want to rush things,....
so I didnt want to say certain things because I was afraid it might scare you away.
So whenever you say that we're gonna be with each other forever, or talk about getting married, or having kids [in a good convo] or moving in with each other, it kinda gives me butterflies...
I fell for you more and more, and I could just see how much you cared, and liked me...
I loved getting online and seeing all the stuff you post, and it made me smile, and just want to hold you whenever I saw stuff like that.
I do still wish I could see more of that.... because they really make me smile, and feel like you do still love me, and I like seeing stuff like that, because its like a guy bringing home his wife the most beautiful flowers... sometimes it takes a little more to keep the relationship romantic, and cute....
even if it is just online, and even if it is often.
Sometimes I look at your profile, or mine [modeling one] just to re-read the conversations we had before we even met.
Yea,..... I wasnt the nicest person ever xD
But I guess I kinda thought you were just some guy trying to start a convo with me so you could get in my pants.
And than you invited me out....
And so I thought that was pretty nice.
And now all I can think about is sticking together, holding on, and keeping us alive...
spending the rest of my life with you, making you smile, and doing special things for you..
having our own place, and painting the walls, and having a job, and having a home photography job, and having the store job...
and buying furniture... and organizing the place, having it a fun place, but creative...
And fixing our room, and putting away the past, and setting up a future, putting stuff up in the room that would resemble 'us'
And having friends over, and having beanbags everywhere =]
And video taping our friends get drunk
And of course, getting you a car before we even think of getting a place lol.
And than maybe move? unless you really wanna stay here...
and than maybe save for a house? or town house? or rent a house?
and maybe sometime before we're old and in our 30s [lol] maybe have a child?
or whatever you wanna do xD
I just want you in my life, next to me, holding me in bed...
till we grow old
And we could be the old couple trying to race each other into the store =]
Because I love you
And do you remember when we went to Raves?
And how I was upset, and we went to wendy's?
I was kinda nervous being around you alone without the other guys there too....
I didnt exactly know what to say, as I always would be when meeting new people.
And remember how we used to try to get online at the same time so we could talk to each other?
And how we kept missing each other... you and your silly games I tell ya. lol.
Remember how we went to the zuni's park [or whatever its called]
and you'd sit there with me when I was bored...
I really just wanted to lay down, and I wanted you to lay with me.
And on the way home, I held your hand for the first time....
I wanted to hold your hand all the way home.
I wanted you to come over everyday so I could hear your voice and see your face...
Do you remember getting butterflies? Or that feeling you may get when you just want to say so much stuff, but you get too scared to say anything because you might mess up? or that feeling when you accidently touch my hand, or that feeling you get when you know we're about to see each other, or when we try to impress each other...
You wernt my type, but I found that I really liked you anyways...
And though you've done drugs, and didnt have a great past, I was really hoping that you may wanted to be with me,...
and maybe somewhere in you, you wanted to spend the rest of your life with one person, and not go from girl to girl...
So when we were on the bus, talking about kids...
I was surprised you said anything about even having a kid with someone.
And than I didnt want to rush things,....
so I didnt want to say certain things because I was afraid it might scare you away.
So whenever you say that we're gonna be with each other forever, or talk about getting married, or having kids [in a good convo] or moving in with each other, it kinda gives me butterflies...
I fell for you more and more, and I could just see how much you cared, and liked me...
I loved getting online and seeing all the stuff you post, and it made me smile, and just want to hold you whenever I saw stuff like that.
I do still wish I could see more of that.... because they really make me smile, and feel like you do still love me, and I like seeing stuff like that, because its like a guy bringing home his wife the most beautiful flowers... sometimes it takes a little more to keep the relationship romantic, and cute....
even if it is just online, and even if it is often.
Sometimes I look at your profile, or mine [modeling one] just to re-read the conversations we had before we even met.
Yea,..... I wasnt the nicest person ever xD
But I guess I kinda thought you were just some guy trying to start a convo with me so you could get in my pants.
And than you invited me out....
And so I thought that was pretty nice.
And now all I can think about is sticking together, holding on, and keeping us alive...
spending the rest of my life with you, making you smile, and doing special things for you..
having our own place, and painting the walls, and having a job, and having a home photography job, and having the store job...
and buying furniture... and organizing the place, having it a fun place, but creative...
And fixing our room, and putting away the past, and setting up a future, putting stuff up in the room that would resemble 'us'
And having friends over, and having beanbags everywhere =]
And video taping our friends get drunk
And of course, getting you a car before we even think of getting a place lol.
And than maybe move? unless you really wanna stay here...
and than maybe save for a house? or town house? or rent a house?
and maybe sometime before we're old and in our 30s [lol] maybe have a child?
or whatever you wanna do xD
I just want you in my life, next to me, holding me in bed...
till we grow old
And we could be the old couple trying to race each other into the store =]
Because I love you
Monday, October 4, 2010
I woke up...
I woke up, and you wernt there...
I woke up, and looked at my phone...
5:55 it said...
You told me you'd text before you go to work...
I kinda thought you'd text me on the way to work...
So where is this text of yours? So I sent you one...
No response, so I sent another,...
It just didnt feel right, so yet again, I sent another, wondering why I didnt wake up to a text from you.
Texts in the morning make me feel that your next to me, saying 'good morning'
And when I wake up to nothing, I feel like your not there.
So I ended up calling you, and your phone says it was either turned off, because its lost, or your out of the area....
So I thought 'where could he be that he has no service? He cant be in the mountains, because he would have told me'
If he was on his break.... wouldnt he have gotten someone else's phone just to text me to say he is alright?
Or am I thinking too much of him?
I guess im just worried...
Am I acting 'too' worried?
I guess Im just sad that I have to go a day without talking to him, without knowing he is ok...
I miss him, and the way things used to be...
Im selfish, wanting so much attention from him, wanting him to give me all his attention...
But than again, he gets 'worried' when I made a new friend...
so I guess in a way we're on the same path...
And than I think even more....
Thinking that I did something wrong, and he decided to turn his phone off, or change his number...
And that out of nowhere he decided that he didnt want to be with me, because of the abortion conversation...
or maybe your upset at me, because of something else I said yesterday...
or something I did...
maybe my dream made you realize something.... that maybe you dont really want to be with me...
maybe your really mad about the modeling thing...
but than I think... 'he is not like other guys, he wouldnt do that to me... he loves me just as much as I love him'
And than I think that you just want your space...
but than I think... 'everyone else's phone doesnt have service there so he cant get ahold of me'
And than I think 'how is he going to get home? I wish to ask his mom where he was dropped off at'
but than I think Im worrying too much
And maybe you dont find that attractive when a girl worries too much...
I just want to keep calling you....
Im going crazy not knowing if your alright....
Is there something wrong with me?
Why do I think so much more than other people?
or do other people think as much as I do? Just dont show it?
Im still afraid that you'll want to leave me....
I still have nightmares...
And the one the other night,... I saw your face so clearly... it felt so real...
Im glad that I woke up before you could say the words....
but I hear them in my head...
And I could still see your face...
You looked sad, but you looked sure....
I hope I never have to hear those words.
I love you with all my heart.
I hope today goes well for you, and I hope your safe.
Im off to get that tutu....
I wish you could tell me the best way to get there,
your mom said its off of sheridan and 52nd...
I want to get it before anyone else does...
my dad gave me $100 for SCA stuff....
he wants to come with me later to get costumes there.... but im not gonna tell him I got the tutu
anyways, I love you babe.
and miss you so much
I woke up, and looked at my phone...
5:55 it said...
You told me you'd text before you go to work...
I kinda thought you'd text me on the way to work...
So where is this text of yours? So I sent you one...
No response, so I sent another,...
It just didnt feel right, so yet again, I sent another, wondering why I didnt wake up to a text from you.
Texts in the morning make me feel that your next to me, saying 'good morning'
And when I wake up to nothing, I feel like your not there.
So I ended up calling you, and your phone says it was either turned off, because its lost, or your out of the area....
So I thought 'where could he be that he has no service? He cant be in the mountains, because he would have told me'
If he was on his break.... wouldnt he have gotten someone else's phone just to text me to say he is alright?
Or am I thinking too much of him?
I guess im just worried...
Am I acting 'too' worried?
I guess Im just sad that I have to go a day without talking to him, without knowing he is ok...
I miss him, and the way things used to be...
Im selfish, wanting so much attention from him, wanting him to give me all his attention...
But than again, he gets 'worried' when I made a new friend...
so I guess in a way we're on the same path...
And than I think even more....
Thinking that I did something wrong, and he decided to turn his phone off, or change his number...
And that out of nowhere he decided that he didnt want to be with me, because of the abortion conversation...
or maybe your upset at me, because of something else I said yesterday...
or something I did...
maybe my dream made you realize something.... that maybe you dont really want to be with me...
maybe your really mad about the modeling thing...
but than I think... 'he is not like other guys, he wouldnt do that to me... he loves me just as much as I love him'
And than I think that you just want your space...
but than I think... 'everyone else's phone doesnt have service there so he cant get ahold of me'
And than I think 'how is he going to get home? I wish to ask his mom where he was dropped off at'
but than I think Im worrying too much
And maybe you dont find that attractive when a girl worries too much...
I just want to keep calling you....
Im going crazy not knowing if your alright....
Is there something wrong with me?
Why do I think so much more than other people?
or do other people think as much as I do? Just dont show it?
Im still afraid that you'll want to leave me....
I still have nightmares...
And the one the other night,... I saw your face so clearly... it felt so real...
Im glad that I woke up before you could say the words....
but I hear them in my head...
And I could still see your face...
You looked sad, but you looked sure....
I hope I never have to hear those words.
I love you with all my heart.
I hope today goes well for you, and I hope your safe.
Im off to get that tutu....
I wish you could tell me the best way to get there,
your mom said its off of sheridan and 52nd...
I want to get it before anyone else does...
my dad gave me $100 for SCA stuff....
he wants to come with me later to get costumes there.... but im not gonna tell him I got the tutu
anyways, I love you babe.
and miss you so much
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Photograph
So I've been sitting here all day,... staring at your pictures...
Missing you...
missing how we always had fun.
So besides that,... I went to work out for a lil... than did laundry,... than found my nail polish... than messed up my room [im sorry] cause I was looking for my leggings, which I didnt find, and my plad skirt.... which I did find. and than I lost my nail polish... ugh.
I hate it when my dad coughs and ever covers his mouth!!! makes me feel soo icky.
OH!!!! omg, I found the CUTEST costume ever!!!!!!!! I sooooooooooo want iiiittttt!!!!!
soooo baaaadddd!!!!
Hopefully after Deathwish I could maybe afford it... its $35
but I think you'd like it...
and I wanna go to hallowfreaknween just cause its on the 30th lol
yes, JUST because its on the 30th....
I so wanna do something for halloween other than stand around at a club ='(
Missing you...
missing how we always had fun.
So besides that,... I went to work out for a lil... than did laundry,... than found my nail polish... than messed up my room [im sorry] cause I was looking for my leggings, which I didnt find, and my plad skirt.... which I did find. and than I lost my nail polish... ugh.
I hate it when my dad coughs and ever covers his mouth!!! makes me feel soo icky.
OH!!!! omg, I found the CUTEST costume ever!!!!!!!! I sooooooooooo want iiiittttt!!!!!
soooo baaaadddd!!!!
Hopefully after Deathwish I could maybe afford it... its $35
but I think you'd like it...
and I wanna go to hallowfreaknween just cause its on the 30th lol
yes, JUST because its on the 30th....
I so wanna do something for halloween other than stand around at a club ='(
Monday, September 20, 2010
About You
You've seen how much I write about people in my life...
You saw that before we were dating...
Did you expect that I wouldnt write about you?
Of course I would....
So please, would you mind answering these for me?
Are you mad that I write about you?
Do you even 'like' reading my stuff anymore?
I want to know whats on your mind all the time... Do you still wonder whats on my mind?
Are we still a new couple? Or have you grown old of my actions?
Am I on your mind?
Do you listen to songs that remind you of me?
Because I still think about you all the time...
I still dream about you...
I still want to fall asleep in your arms all the time.
I still listen to songs that remind you of me.
I always want to know whats on your mind...
Sometimes I think I talk too much, and might scare you away
I always think I might scare you away.
I smile when you fall asleep next to me, with your hand on my chest...
I smile when you fall asleep on my lap...
I smile when I get to hold you...
But I cry inside because I never want to let you go...
I become sad if I dont know if I'll get to see you
for a day, two, or three...
for an hour or two...
Yes, I'll give you your free time, as I want mine...
But I'll still be sad I dont get to see you, or touch you.
I may seem like every other girl... being so loving, and too clingy, and too needy...
But I play the actions of the heart...
And my heart will show on my face...
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
If I could, I'd write songs for you,...
If I could, I'd sing for you.
I've given you my life...
I've given you my heart.
At one point of time I thought 'I put too much hope into getting a place with him"
But no matter what, I never put 'too much' hope or thought into anything with you.
I will never regret anything with you that made me smile once...
Because everything that happens with me and you, is exactly how I want it to be...
If you get what I mean.
You just make me so happy...
Even though we're two different people, I still love you for who you are.
And I just keep thinking about the past...
Why you would pick a girl like me...
And I hope its not that you found something broken, and thought you'd just try and fix it to say something good about yourself...
I hope that you found me, and found what ever little beauty in me, and fell in love with it.
I hope you found some good, and saw that it could be greater in the future...
I hope that you found love in me, through the eyes of hate...
And saw that I could love a person more than they were ever loved, if they just gave me a chance...
But with everything being so little, it seems to be forgotten... lost,... or turns invisible to someone's eyes after a while...
My hate and anger seems to get in the way...
It seems to overtake...
But it never actually does.
Im sorry it hurts you, and I will, and try to fix that.
But please know,.. it wont just 'go away'
And untill I take classes...
I will either tell you almost every time Im angry...
Or just lock it inside, and smile,... Acting like everythings alright.
I will ignore my heart when it breaks,...
Because right now, I just want us to work...
I want to be there for you... as you've been there for me.
I feel like I have to do more now...
Because when I was there for you, when I was trying to work things out, when I was trying to help,... You didnt seem to notice one bit.
When I sacrifice things for you, you never noticed.
When I did things for you, you've seem to have forgotten them.
As you told Krystal 'she's actually trying 'now'' as if I never tried before...
So everything I did back than... seemed to have gone straight down the drain...
I wouldnt say it was a 'waste' or 'a waste of my time' because everything I do for you is never a waste of time.
But it did turn invisible...
I thank you for everything you do for me...
and I've told you that before...
I always thank you for helping me, supporting me, being there...
But I feel like you just thank me for your smiles.
So now, I will try and prove to you even more, even harder....
Im trying,... I will try...
More than a couple even should try...
And Im ok with that...
Though I think you should accept me for who I am...
Im ok with trying to prove myself to you...
Because I want this to work...
So because I am holding all my anger in, or just 'explaining' to you my anger [which doesnt always work]
Because Im holding it in till I take my classes....
It will build up more and more...
So sometimes there is going to be moments that I will just break down and cry...
or just want to go home, or break things, or rip things up....
But I promise I wont do it around you..
if anything happens around you, it'll be that I just dont feel like talking for an hour or something.
I dont want to be a normal couple anymore... where we get into stupid arguments like little kids...
I never want to be in a relationship, where we have to scream at the top of our lungs...
I want a perfect family, as most girls want.
Im glad to know that you want one too...
I hope it stays that way....
I hope you never change your mind...
I want to be with you forever...
Even if your friends with people who hate me...
and if I hate people your friends with...
However, note it would probably never be like that for you.
I just dont find a reason to put you through that, but than again, I've always been alright with loosing friends.
Its reality.
My reality is that no one is there for me when I really need them.
And face it,... there are, and will be more times you wont be there for me.
And no, Im not trying to make you feel guilty or anything...
But if you want this relationship to work, I will speak my mind when I want, and when I feel like it...
No more miss communications...
The only time I will hold back, and lock my anger inside, is when Im not angry at you, not irritated at you, or have to think about the situation first.
No, that doesnt mean Im going to ignore you.
But again, I am not trying to make you feel guilty, but this is how I see things for right now.
I will try to make things work, I will try to make things better...
But I will, and always will still have my feelings.
This probably made you smile at one point of time, and after reading more and more, your smile probably faded away...
Im sorry.
I always want to make you smile...
I always want to see you happy...
I always want to see you texting people... and when they ask you how your doing...
I always want to see that your doing great...
Because I always want to make you happy.
I always want to text you, but sometimes I dont like texting, or that Im busy...
But even if I am busy, I want you to know, that your still on my mind...
I always want a thousand texts from you, saying goodnight, and trying to get the last word.
I always want to call you,... even if Im in town....
I always want to remember how we made such a huge effort to get online at the same time, just so we could talk when we didnt have our phones...
I just want to make you happier than you have ever been...
I want to make you smile more than any friend could, or any other girl...
I want you to feel higher than you've ever been....
But I feel like im boring sometimes...
all the time...
='(
I want to take you out to the movies, out to dinner,... I want to take you to places you've never been, I want to take you to the most nicest place you've ever seen...
But Im new here... and dont know where anything is at.
If we were in Cali... I could take you to fun places to eat,... I could sneak you into the movies... I could take you to hidden beaches, I could take you to cool tide pool places, we could watch the sunset to rise onto the other side of the world...
I want to make videos of the two of us...
of our lives...
Like old movies...
And watch them over and over when I miss you...
I just want to focus on making things work between me and you...
keeping things good between us...
and making you happy...
Because babe, I dont know what I'd do without you.
You are my life.
my sun, my stars...
And your my memories with new ones to come...
I love you Jared
You saw that before we were dating...
Did you expect that I wouldnt write about you?
Of course I would....
So please, would you mind answering these for me?
Are you mad that I write about you?
Do you even 'like' reading my stuff anymore?
I want to know whats on your mind all the time... Do you still wonder whats on my mind?
Are we still a new couple? Or have you grown old of my actions?
Am I on your mind?
Do you listen to songs that remind you of me?
Because I still think about you all the time...
I still dream about you...
I still want to fall asleep in your arms all the time.
I still listen to songs that remind you of me.
I always want to know whats on your mind...
Sometimes I think I talk too much, and might scare you away
I always think I might scare you away.
I smile when you fall asleep next to me, with your hand on my chest...
I smile when you fall asleep on my lap...
I smile when I get to hold you...
But I cry inside because I never want to let you go...
I become sad if I dont know if I'll get to see you
for a day, two, or three...
for an hour or two...
Yes, I'll give you your free time, as I want mine...
But I'll still be sad I dont get to see you, or touch you.
I may seem like every other girl... being so loving, and too clingy, and too needy...
But I play the actions of the heart...
And my heart will show on my face...
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
If I could, I'd write songs for you,...
If I could, I'd sing for you.
I've given you my life...
I've given you my heart.
At one point of time I thought 'I put too much hope into getting a place with him"
But no matter what, I never put 'too much' hope or thought into anything with you.
I will never regret anything with you that made me smile once...
Because everything that happens with me and you, is exactly how I want it to be...
If you get what I mean.
You just make me so happy...
Even though we're two different people, I still love you for who you are.
And I just keep thinking about the past...
Why you would pick a girl like me...
And I hope its not that you found something broken, and thought you'd just try and fix it to say something good about yourself...
I hope that you found me, and found what ever little beauty in me, and fell in love with it.
I hope you found some good, and saw that it could be greater in the future...
I hope that you found love in me, through the eyes of hate...
And saw that I could love a person more than they were ever loved, if they just gave me a chance...
But with everything being so little, it seems to be forgotten... lost,... or turns invisible to someone's eyes after a while...
My hate and anger seems to get in the way...
It seems to overtake...
But it never actually does.
Im sorry it hurts you, and I will, and try to fix that.
But please know,.. it wont just 'go away'
And untill I take classes...
I will either tell you almost every time Im angry...
Or just lock it inside, and smile,... Acting like everythings alright.
I will ignore my heart when it breaks,...
Because right now, I just want us to work...
I want to be there for you... as you've been there for me.
I feel like I have to do more now...
Because when I was there for you, when I was trying to work things out, when I was trying to help,... You didnt seem to notice one bit.
When I sacrifice things for you, you never noticed.
When I did things for you, you've seem to have forgotten them.
As you told Krystal 'she's actually trying 'now'' as if I never tried before...
So everything I did back than... seemed to have gone straight down the drain...
I wouldnt say it was a 'waste' or 'a waste of my time' because everything I do for you is never a waste of time.
But it did turn invisible...
I thank you for everything you do for me...
and I've told you that before...
I always thank you for helping me, supporting me, being there...
But I feel like you just thank me for your smiles.
So now, I will try and prove to you even more, even harder....
Im trying,... I will try...
More than a couple even should try...
And Im ok with that...
Though I think you should accept me for who I am...
Im ok with trying to prove myself to you...
Because I want this to work...
So because I am holding all my anger in, or just 'explaining' to you my anger [which doesnt always work]
Because Im holding it in till I take my classes....
It will build up more and more...
So sometimes there is going to be moments that I will just break down and cry...
or just want to go home, or break things, or rip things up....
But I promise I wont do it around you..
if anything happens around you, it'll be that I just dont feel like talking for an hour or something.
I dont want to be a normal couple anymore... where we get into stupid arguments like little kids...
I never want to be in a relationship, where we have to scream at the top of our lungs...
I want a perfect family, as most girls want.
Im glad to know that you want one too...
I hope it stays that way....
I hope you never change your mind...
I want to be with you forever...
Even if your friends with people who hate me...
and if I hate people your friends with...
However, note it would probably never be like that for you.
I just dont find a reason to put you through that, but than again, I've always been alright with loosing friends.
Its reality.
My reality is that no one is there for me when I really need them.
And face it,... there are, and will be more times you wont be there for me.
And no, Im not trying to make you feel guilty or anything...
But if you want this relationship to work, I will speak my mind when I want, and when I feel like it...
No more miss communications...
The only time I will hold back, and lock my anger inside, is when Im not angry at you, not irritated at you, or have to think about the situation first.
No, that doesnt mean Im going to ignore you.
But again, I am not trying to make you feel guilty, but this is how I see things for right now.
I will try to make things work, I will try to make things better...
But I will, and always will still have my feelings.
This probably made you smile at one point of time, and after reading more and more, your smile probably faded away...
Im sorry.
I always want to make you smile...
I always want to see you happy...
I always want to see you texting people... and when they ask you how your doing...
I always want to see that your doing great...
Because I always want to make you happy.
I always want to text you, but sometimes I dont like texting, or that Im busy...
But even if I am busy, I want you to know, that your still on my mind...
I always want a thousand texts from you, saying goodnight, and trying to get the last word.
I always want to call you,... even if Im in town....
I always want to remember how we made such a huge effort to get online at the same time, just so we could talk when we didnt have our phones...
I just want to make you happier than you have ever been...
I want to make you smile more than any friend could, or any other girl...
I want you to feel higher than you've ever been....
But I feel like im boring sometimes...
all the time...
='(
I want to take you out to the movies, out to dinner,... I want to take you to places you've never been, I want to take you to the most nicest place you've ever seen...
But Im new here... and dont know where anything is at.
If we were in Cali... I could take you to fun places to eat,... I could sneak you into the movies... I could take you to hidden beaches, I could take you to cool tide pool places, we could watch the sunset to rise onto the other side of the world...
I want to make videos of the two of us...
of our lives...
Like old movies...
And watch them over and over when I miss you...
I just want to focus on making things work between me and you...
keeping things good between us...
and making you happy...
Because babe, I dont know what I'd do without you.
You are my life.
my sun, my stars...
And your my memories with new ones to come...
I love you Jared
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Home Sweet Home?
Im afraid to go home now...
Because all that is running through my head is your 'plan' to break up with me...
And I think your still going to do it...
And thats going to be my 'welcome home' from you...
Im afraid to go home....
Im afraid your just going to blow up, because you 'think' I say 'it has to be my way' when I never said that...
I think your not going to give me a chance...
And just assume, assume, assume.
I no longer want to see Derek, because thats what you told me, when thats never what I had intended to say...
And he told you to wait till I suffer, so you can be the one with the control...
And you listened.
I love you, and Im not afraid to love you...
Im afraid your going to hurt me.
Im afraid you think everything I say is 'my way, my way' when those were never the words.
Im afraid to put myself through everything....
I dont want to loose you
ever
But all those things you said, all your plans, all your friend's words to just leave me, make me suffer, wait till I break...
Im afraid to go home.
Because all that is running through my head is your 'plan' to break up with me...
And I think your still going to do it...
And thats going to be my 'welcome home' from you...
Im afraid to go home....
Im afraid your just going to blow up, because you 'think' I say 'it has to be my way' when I never said that...
I think your not going to give me a chance...
And just assume, assume, assume.
I no longer want to see Derek, because thats what you told me, when thats never what I had intended to say...
And he told you to wait till I suffer, so you can be the one with the control...
And you listened.
I love you, and Im not afraid to love you...
Im afraid your going to hurt me.
Im afraid you think everything I say is 'my way, my way' when those were never the words.
Im afraid to put myself through everything....
I dont want to loose you
ever
But all those things you said, all your plans, all your friend's words to just leave me, make me suffer, wait till I break...
Im afraid to go home.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
fairy tale
So I told you Im waiting for my dad to come home later on for a shoot
Later on as in, maybe in an hour or so, because I told you he wont be back till 4 or 5 because he went to santa cruz for his doctors appointment.
4 or 5...
After 4 or 5, I would [obviously] drive down to pick up alayna... and tha7:n talk over out outfits...
after that, we would [obviously] drive to the location of the photoshoot...
the shoot was at 6...
we got done at 7:25
7:30 we started driving home.
7:40 I told Alayna how I had such a great boyfriend...
So Alayna started talking about how she is living in a Fairy Tale... Thats how great her relationship is with her boyfriend...
About how he picks her up and just carries her,...
About how he is like a prince...
And than you text me,...
which you should know Im doing a shoot...
Cause I already told you...
So I told you that...
Than you insisted that no, I didnt tell you that.
And since I clearly remember telling you Im going to a shoot later on in the day...
So I simply said 'ok, whatever'
That was my part of dropping it...
Which you could have done too....
You could have done it at first, saying 'oh, ok' even if you dont remember me telling you...
But no... you had to keep pushing it.
"Why are you being all pissy with me... I didnt do anything"
One, dont ever say im being pissy.... your knowledge about me is fading faster and faster...
Two, you did do something... by not dropping it when I already dropped it.
Than you kept pushing it more, and more and more...
So I decided a good break from talking to you would work...
But than when I asked 'why dont you love me' like I do every so often...
YOU BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN!!!
"I dont understand why you get so mad and than take it out on me all the time"
And than when I said that you were 'arguing' which you were.... simply by saying 'no you didnt'
and by me droping it, and by you bring it up again....
I wish to believe you still know me....
But I see that sometimes you dont.
And if you cant fucking mature enough to fucking drop it when I've dropped it...
We're gonna have some issues.
Yea, I was arguing, but I dropped it.
When You finally dropped it, I did too....
It was kinda sad,... because Lay was talking about how great her boyfriend was...
And you were arguing with me over text, saying Im being all pissy and taking it all out on you.
I was pretty disappointed....
Earlier Ali was saying how you should be really thankful that I even trust you as much as I do, after being fucked over really hard from Donnie...
You know what... I dont think you are thankful... I dont think you even think about it... I dont think you even give it a thought about how lucky you are that I trust you...
Right now, yes, I am taking my anger out on you.
I want to talk about how your my prince... But I couldnt, cause you had to pull shit on me.
I want you to want me to call...
I want you to pay attention...
I want you to just say 'ok' when I tell you something and no argue about it.
I want to not hear shit from you like we're a horrible couple:
"i just dont see why we can never talk stuff through like a couple is supposed to do"
I didnt know there was a rule on how couples are supposed to be.
I want to be able to not cry...
I want to be able to know that you dont cry because of me.
I want to know you cry because you miss me.
I want to know you cry because you hurt me...
I want to know you love me, and take me seriously.
I want to know that your a man..
I dont want to feel like Im having a heart attack everytime you say something to hurt my feelings.
I want to know your not playing around with me...
I want to know you DO love me... and not just say it.
I want to know you DO miss me... and not just say it.
I want you to be the prince that you say you are.
Later on as in, maybe in an hour or so, because I told you he wont be back till 4 or 5 because he went to santa cruz for his doctors appointment.
4 or 5...
After 4 or 5, I would [obviously] drive down to pick up alayna... and tha7:n talk over out outfits...
after that, we would [obviously] drive to the location of the photoshoot...
the shoot was at 6...
we got done at 7:25
7:30 we started driving home.
7:40 I told Alayna how I had such a great boyfriend...
So Alayna started talking about how she is living in a Fairy Tale... Thats how great her relationship is with her boyfriend...
About how he picks her up and just carries her,...
About how he is like a prince...
And than you text me,...
which you should know Im doing a shoot...
Cause I already told you...
So I told you that...
Than you insisted that no, I didnt tell you that.
And since I clearly remember telling you Im going to a shoot later on in the day...
So I simply said 'ok, whatever'
That was my part of dropping it...
Which you could have done too....
You could have done it at first, saying 'oh, ok' even if you dont remember me telling you...
But no... you had to keep pushing it.
"Why are you being all pissy with me... I didnt do anything"
One, dont ever say im being pissy.... your knowledge about me is fading faster and faster...
Two, you did do something... by not dropping it when I already dropped it.
Than you kept pushing it more, and more and more...
So I decided a good break from talking to you would work...
But than when I asked 'why dont you love me' like I do every so often...
YOU BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN!!!
"I dont understand why you get so mad and than take it out on me all the time"
And than when I said that you were 'arguing' which you were.... simply by saying 'no you didnt'
and by me droping it, and by you bring it up again....
I wish to believe you still know me....
But I see that sometimes you dont.
And if you cant fucking mature enough to fucking drop it when I've dropped it...
We're gonna have some issues.
Yea, I was arguing, but I dropped it.
When You finally dropped it, I did too....
It was kinda sad,... because Lay was talking about how great her boyfriend was...
And you were arguing with me over text, saying Im being all pissy and taking it all out on you.
I was pretty disappointed....
Earlier Ali was saying how you should be really thankful that I even trust you as much as I do, after being fucked over really hard from Donnie...
You know what... I dont think you are thankful... I dont think you even think about it... I dont think you even give it a thought about how lucky you are that I trust you...
Right now, yes, I am taking my anger out on you.
I want to talk about how your my prince... But I couldnt, cause you had to pull shit on me.
I want you to want me to call...
I want you to pay attention...
I want you to just say 'ok' when I tell you something and no argue about it.
I want to not hear shit from you like we're a horrible couple:
"i just dont see why we can never talk stuff through like a couple is supposed to do"
I didnt know there was a rule on how couples are supposed to be.
I want to be able to not cry...
I want to be able to know that you dont cry because of me.
I want to know you cry because you miss me.
I want to know you cry because you hurt me...
I want to know you love me, and take me seriously.
I want to know that your a man..
I dont want to feel like Im having a heart attack everytime you say something to hurt my feelings.
I want to know your not playing around with me...
I want to know you DO love me... and not just say it.
I want to know you DO miss me... and not just say it.
I want you to be the prince that you say you are.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Love You more
I love you, and I believe you love me too...
But when you try to convince me that you love me more... I think differently.
Yes, I argue more than you do... Yes, I get irritated more than you do,... yea, my anger problems are probably worse than yours for the time being...
But when I think about it,... I see it as I love you more.
One, I take you a little more seriously than you do...
Two,... I dont have to have sex with you to love you.. [not that you do]
three,.. you know I dont like my ass being slapped around like a ping pong, yet you still do it..
four, I always want to spend time with you, and you come with reasons not to spend time with me on the days I want to spend most of my time with you...
Like today [friday] or last friday
You always have an option to do whatever you want... all you have to do is aks, or demand... that is, unless your getting kicked out.
I say things, and I regret it.. I say things because I feel like you upset me, and your just so blind, that you cant see that you upset me,.... so I upset you... and what I really want, is for you to come over and hold me...
But I cant get that, so I than expect an apology instead...
But you dont do that, so I dont say sorry...
And when I dont say sorry, thats because I dont want to admit that Im the one who is wrong...
And I cant admit that Im wrong, because I feel like your wrong too...
And than if I say sorry, I'll feel like your just saying sorry just because...
And not that you actually mean it.
Than I just regret even saying anything...
But than if I dont say anything, than you wouldnt have even noticed that you hurt me.
And if you never notice that you hurt me, you'd probably just keep doing it over and over and over...
Realizing it or not...
And if you never do realize it...
Than I'll just be a mess all the time.
And its not that if you hurt me, I want to hurt you back...
Its that you hurt me, dont realize it, argue because Im trying to explain, and never apologize...
And thats when I do something that hurts you too.
I guess thats how I try to let you know that you did something.
You've got to see things, and realize things before you speak, agree, or do something.
If you 'have' to do something... no, you dont 'have' to do something. You either 'want to' or you feel the 'need' to do it.
If someone tells you to do something, you better be getting paid to follow orders,...
If your not, its either because your getting kicked out, or you got introuble before being demanded...
Otherwise, your free to speak. No one controls you but yourself.
If you dont want to do something now, dont do it....
Besides, not like your brother or dad went to your mom's friend's birthday...
saying 'i ditched my family for you' no... not how it goes.
You can see your cousin the next day. You can stop by and say hi, and leave, you can buy him a gift later, you can send him a text...
Not like any of my cousins sent me a text, or even posted on my fb saying 'happy birthday' nor did I even get a letter from them.
You have a great close family.
I moved around so much, that my family doesnt give a shit about me really except my grandma.
Thats real life right there....
Your grandma or grandpa are going to be the only ones who really give a shit...
My dad's brother probably doesnt even care.
You know why? Because they have their own lives to live...
In the end... your friends will betray you.
My own grandpa hates me...
My 'real' grandpa doesnt even know how to spell my name.
My mom's dad cant send me an email through my aunt saying happy birthday...
He couldnt even come to his own daughter's funeral.
My mom's mom didnt even make it...
My mom's first daughter didnt even make it,.. and she lives in the states!
My mom's first son hasnt seen his real mom since he was 4 years old...
And my mom always always sent him money.
This is how I see birthdays, and holidays....
Food, and money.
A few laughs
maybe a picture that is never going to come out of the camera...
and cards that are just going to be shoved in a box for years and years...
Little kid's drawings are going to be on their grandparent's walls... just to stay there for a few years...
or if longer, they are going to be put into a room no one goes into, or just walked past, without a single glance directed to them.
Who in your family wrote, or called you when you were gone for a year?
Which friends wrote you or called you?
If you moved,.... who would fly to see you every year?
Like my dad and I do 3 or 4 times a year to see my grandma...
If you had a heart attack... who would come fly out to see you the very next day, or that very night?
But you seem to have a real family, so it's not my place for wanting you to spend time with me on 4th of July... or the day before I go.
I just see the world as being one big fake...
so when you have something with your family, I might not always understand...
I may think that your family all just lives in one big fairy tale...
so please forgive me. Im sorry.
I just think its just unrealistic to have a birthday party with your whole family for every single person. It just looks like people are trying to find things to do with their boring lives, and free food to me.
I will never understand, because the last time my family gathered, and gave a shit about my birthday was probably when I was 9 or 10 since it was after I came back from England...
Which reminds me... after coming back from England, after being gone for 3/4 years...
I felt so unwelcome. The only person who even talked to me was a boy a few years older than me, who worked for my uncle on his farm.
So when it comes to family,... I will never understand.
So when you say 'you'll ditch your family for me' or when Krystal says 'That isnt right of her, your family deserves you'
I still hate her guts....
And for you to go through her stuff just to see 'if she's alright' irritated the hell out of me.
Juan didnt even say the shit she said, and I could care less about him now... except if he died...
And shes obviously not dead.
For you to 'check up on her, to see how she is doing' is kinda like saying you still like her [as a friend] and that you totally forgive her for calling your gf everything she called me >.>
Dont ever tell me 'she helped me through a lot' because if she cared, she wouldnt have said anything about me...
If Juan cared... he wouldnt have said anything about you, as well as me.
If she really cared, she'd be here for you right now.
If your going to use 'she helped me through a lot' on me... than where is she now?
If your going to use that phrase on me, as if it should still matter, than why is she going around calling me names?
Why are you checking up on her? Why are you wishing her 'happy day of birth'?
Why didnt you delete that message from her? You know im going to read it..
Why did you have to look through her page infront of me? You know I can see your computer screen right infront of me...
Its like you do things on purpose...
Its showing me you still care about her [as a friend or more]
and showing me you still care about her, makes me feel like you forgive her for calling me what she did...
And I dont know about you, but to me... that shows you dont really love me as much as you say you do...
That shows me that I love you more.
Have I gone to a club without you?
No.
This is going to be your 3rd time you've gone to a club without me.
Last time... You claimed that you were hoping I would come to the event...
Why would I do that after you made me cry?
If you wanted me to go, you would have asked...
Im not saying you dont love me,.. no, I am not saying that... But...
I think in reality... I love you more.
But when you try to convince me that you love me more... I think differently.
Yes, I argue more than you do... Yes, I get irritated more than you do,... yea, my anger problems are probably worse than yours for the time being...
But when I think about it,... I see it as I love you more.
One, I take you a little more seriously than you do...
Two,... I dont have to have sex with you to love you.. [not that you do]
three,.. you know I dont like my ass being slapped around like a ping pong, yet you still do it..
four, I always want to spend time with you, and you come with reasons not to spend time with me on the days I want to spend most of my time with you...
Like today [friday] or last friday
You always have an option to do whatever you want... all you have to do is aks, or demand... that is, unless your getting kicked out.
I say things, and I regret it.. I say things because I feel like you upset me, and your just so blind, that you cant see that you upset me,.... so I upset you... and what I really want, is for you to come over and hold me...
But I cant get that, so I than expect an apology instead...
But you dont do that, so I dont say sorry...
And when I dont say sorry, thats because I dont want to admit that Im the one who is wrong...
And I cant admit that Im wrong, because I feel like your wrong too...
And than if I say sorry, I'll feel like your just saying sorry just because...
And not that you actually mean it.
Than I just regret even saying anything...
But than if I dont say anything, than you wouldnt have even noticed that you hurt me.
And if you never notice that you hurt me, you'd probably just keep doing it over and over and over...
Realizing it or not...
And if you never do realize it...
Than I'll just be a mess all the time.
And its not that if you hurt me, I want to hurt you back...
Its that you hurt me, dont realize it, argue because Im trying to explain, and never apologize...
And thats when I do something that hurts you too.
I guess thats how I try to let you know that you did something.
You've got to see things, and realize things before you speak, agree, or do something.
If you 'have' to do something... no, you dont 'have' to do something. You either 'want to' or you feel the 'need' to do it.
If someone tells you to do something, you better be getting paid to follow orders,...
If your not, its either because your getting kicked out, or you got introuble before being demanded...
Otherwise, your free to speak. No one controls you but yourself.
If you dont want to do something now, dont do it....
Besides, not like your brother or dad went to your mom's friend's birthday...
saying 'i ditched my family for you' no... not how it goes.
You can see your cousin the next day. You can stop by and say hi, and leave, you can buy him a gift later, you can send him a text...
Not like any of my cousins sent me a text, or even posted on my fb saying 'happy birthday' nor did I even get a letter from them.
You have a great close family.
I moved around so much, that my family doesnt give a shit about me really except my grandma.
Thats real life right there....
Your grandma or grandpa are going to be the only ones who really give a shit...
My dad's brother probably doesnt even care.
You know why? Because they have their own lives to live...
In the end... your friends will betray you.
My own grandpa hates me...
My 'real' grandpa doesnt even know how to spell my name.
My mom's dad cant send me an email through my aunt saying happy birthday...
He couldnt even come to his own daughter's funeral.
My mom's mom didnt even make it...
My mom's first daughter didnt even make it,.. and she lives in the states!
My mom's first son hasnt seen his real mom since he was 4 years old...
And my mom always always sent him money.
This is how I see birthdays, and holidays....
Food, and money.
A few laughs
maybe a picture that is never going to come out of the camera...
and cards that are just going to be shoved in a box for years and years...
Little kid's drawings are going to be on their grandparent's walls... just to stay there for a few years...
or if longer, they are going to be put into a room no one goes into, or just walked past, without a single glance directed to them.
Who in your family wrote, or called you when you were gone for a year?
Which friends wrote you or called you?
If you moved,.... who would fly to see you every year?
Like my dad and I do 3 or 4 times a year to see my grandma...
If you had a heart attack... who would come fly out to see you the very next day, or that very night?
But you seem to have a real family, so it's not my place for wanting you to spend time with me on 4th of July... or the day before I go.
I just see the world as being one big fake...
so when you have something with your family, I might not always understand...
I may think that your family all just lives in one big fairy tale...
so please forgive me. Im sorry.
I just think its just unrealistic to have a birthday party with your whole family for every single person. It just looks like people are trying to find things to do with their boring lives, and free food to me.
I will never understand, because the last time my family gathered, and gave a shit about my birthday was probably when I was 9 or 10 since it was after I came back from England...
Which reminds me... after coming back from England, after being gone for 3/4 years...
I felt so unwelcome. The only person who even talked to me was a boy a few years older than me, who worked for my uncle on his farm.
So when it comes to family,... I will never understand.
So when you say 'you'll ditch your family for me' or when Krystal says 'That isnt right of her, your family deserves you'
I still hate her guts....
And for you to go through her stuff just to see 'if she's alright' irritated the hell out of me.
Juan didnt even say the shit she said, and I could care less about him now... except if he died...
And shes obviously not dead.
For you to 'check up on her, to see how she is doing' is kinda like saying you still like her [as a friend] and that you totally forgive her for calling your gf everything she called me >.>
Dont ever tell me 'she helped me through a lot' because if she cared, she wouldnt have said anything about me...
If Juan cared... he wouldnt have said anything about you, as well as me.
If she really cared, she'd be here for you right now.
If your going to use 'she helped me through a lot' on me... than where is she now?
If your going to use that phrase on me, as if it should still matter, than why is she going around calling me names?
Why are you checking up on her? Why are you wishing her 'happy day of birth'?
Why didnt you delete that message from her? You know im going to read it..
Why did you have to look through her page infront of me? You know I can see your computer screen right infront of me...
Its like you do things on purpose...
Its showing me you still care about her [as a friend or more]
and showing me you still care about her, makes me feel like you forgive her for calling me what she did...
And I dont know about you, but to me... that shows you dont really love me as much as you say you do...
That shows me that I love you more.
Have I gone to a club without you?
No.
This is going to be your 3rd time you've gone to a club without me.
Last time... You claimed that you were hoping I would come to the event...
Why would I do that after you made me cry?
If you wanted me to go, you would have asked...
Im not saying you dont love me,.. no, I am not saying that... But...
I think in reality... I love you more.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Not too happy
I was going to write all these blogs...
But when you told me you wont get home till 5...
Than you have to go to your cousin's birthday...
When are you going to be home?
7?
When we need to fucking start packing shit, and leave around 8...
Since we need to get raffle tickets and junk...
Im leaving on Saturday... And tomorrow your going to be busy till about time to go to the club...
Thats like 0 personal time with each other till I come back from Cali...
That means...
no laying with each other, no kisses really, no long hugs[u know what I mean... not the simple little things],... till I come back from Cali... Over a week...
But when you told me you wont get home till 5...
Than you have to go to your cousin's birthday...
When are you going to be home?
7?
When we need to fucking start packing shit, and leave around 8...
Since we need to get raffle tickets and junk...
Im leaving on Saturday... And tomorrow your going to be busy till about time to go to the club...
Thats like 0 personal time with each other till I come back from Cali...
That means...
no laying with each other, no kisses really, no long hugs[u know what I mean... not the simple little things],... till I come back from Cali... Over a week...
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
LoveLine
So I was listening to the radio on the way home...
A guy was engaged to a girl he isnt sexually attracted to at all...
It just makes you think...
Just think of someone who isnt sexually attracted, or ATTRACTED AT ALL to their partner... Than 'really' their 'partner' is just another buddy....
Sometimes when your too playful with me, in a way, it makes me think that this is all just fun and games, kicks and giggles...
idk if I see real love, that we can act ourselves... or if I just see it as a 'love game'
I love you, and I trust you...
but like you...
and your thoughts...
I have mine too once in a blue moon
A guy was engaged to a girl he isnt sexually attracted to at all...
It just makes you think...
Just think of someone who isnt sexually attracted, or ATTRACTED AT ALL to their partner... Than 'really' their 'partner' is just another buddy....
Sometimes when your too playful with me, in a way, it makes me think that this is all just fun and games, kicks and giggles...
idk if I see real love, that we can act ourselves... or if I just see it as a 'love game'
I love you, and I trust you...
but like you...
and your thoughts...
I have mine too once in a blue moon
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Tick Tock
Long time no see...
So I thought I'd post something for you.
I love you....
and these stupid videos wont work, and when they DO work... they are all sideways on the movie maker...
ugh
not cool.
I had fun this weekend, spending everyday with you....
But I feel like you grew tired of me quickly
=[
And the 'I'll play video games "if my girlfriend lets me"' <--- ='( That kinda made me sad, and also a little upset.
I never say you 'cant' play video games...
Sure I think video games are a waste of time,... but I never say your not allowed to play them.
In a way, that, and feeling like you got tired of seeing me everyday the past few days made me think that if and when we do move in.... that you wont like it.
Anyways,... gosh, your such a lier! lol
I saw you posted on someone's facebook, saying you wont $300 gambaling last weekend...
lol
your funny....
and I miss you
So I thought I'd post something for you.
I love you....
and these stupid videos wont work, and when they DO work... they are all sideways on the movie maker...
ugh
not cool.
I had fun this weekend, spending everyday with you....
But I feel like you grew tired of me quickly
=[
And the 'I'll play video games "if my girlfriend lets me"' <--- ='( That kinda made me sad, and also a little upset.
I never say you 'cant' play video games...
Sure I think video games are a waste of time,... but I never say your not allowed to play them.
In a way, that, and feeling like you got tired of seeing me everyday the past few days made me think that if and when we do move in.... that you wont like it.
Anyways,... gosh, your such a lier! lol
I saw you posted on someone's facebook, saying you wont $300 gambaling last weekend...
lol
your funny....
and I miss you
Friday, August 6, 2010
kids....
When I told you I had a dream about being pregnant....
You told me that, thats not what we need right now....
I fucking know I wouldnt be able to handle a kid right now, shit.
But you... you telling me thats not what 'we' need right now?
dude, If I REALLY wanted a kid, I'd go get a fucking loan, and go adopt my own kid!
You can not,... can not! tell me thats not what 'we' need right now.
you can tell me thats not what 'you' need.
Jared,... it was a dream.... a... DREAM!
Like,.... I cant even kid around my dad about that stuff... I cant even tell you I had a dream. I cant say anything without you two like, telling me what im allowed to do, when im allowed to do it, and how im allowed to think it.
Im only allowed to tell you 'IF or WHEN I have kids'
Like, I dont even want kids anymore.
My last relationship.... It was 'when WE have kids... we're gonna have kids, we're gonna get married when I come back' and that wasnt coming from me... that was coming from him.
We've talked about kids,.... I've never said I wanted your kids.... maybe this is why.... Because if I had, and every time you'd just say 'this isnt what we need right now' well idk what I'd do with myself. Im sorry I said that though. I didnt mean to really say that. I said it cause I was hurt... and I felt like you were hurting me on purpose
Its like, if you even wanted to be with me forever, its like, if you said you had a dream that we were married,...
and all I said was:
:/ Thats not what we need right now.
Seriously! How do you think that made me feel?
You told me that, thats not what we need right now....
I fucking know I wouldnt be able to handle a kid right now, shit.
But you... you telling me thats not what 'we' need right now?
dude, If I REALLY wanted a kid, I'd go get a fucking loan, and go adopt my own kid!
You can not,... can not! tell me thats not what 'we' need right now.
you can tell me thats not what 'you' need.
Jared,... it was a dream.... a... DREAM!
Like,.... I cant even kid around my dad about that stuff... I cant even tell you I had a dream. I cant say anything without you two like, telling me what im allowed to do, when im allowed to do it, and how im allowed to think it.
Im only allowed to tell you 'IF or WHEN I have kids'
Like, I dont even want kids anymore.
My last relationship.... It was 'when WE have kids... we're gonna have kids, we're gonna get married when I come back' and that wasnt coming from me... that was coming from him.
We've talked about kids,.... I've never said I wanted your kids.... maybe this is why.... Because if I had, and every time you'd just say 'this isnt what we need right now' well idk what I'd do with myself. Im sorry I said that though. I didnt mean to really say that. I said it cause I was hurt... and I felt like you were hurting me on purpose
Its like, if you even wanted to be with me forever, its like, if you said you had a dream that we were married,...
and all I said was:
:/ Thats not what we need right now.
Seriously! How do you think that made me feel?
Monday, August 2, 2010
My Best Friends....
My best friends are never my best friends to begin with...
They are all just people who tell me that they can handle me,... that we'll be friends forever.... that we're a family,...
And all of those are just lies.... always.
People I've dated say that we'll always be friends, or they will always love me....
I have a few of those.... but its not enough to call it friendship.
It doesnt matter if you grew up with someone.... It doesnt matter if you spent every single day with them for 5 years,....
It doesnt matter if you told them your deepest darkest secrets.... There is no such thing as 'best friends forever'
Not in my book,... but,.... I still hope you will be....
I hope you never hate me,... I hope you dont see like the others do. I hope that you see me different in your eyes... But than I hope you see it, and I hope that your sight never grows old.
Im no damsel in distress, but your still my hero.
Im not homeless, but your still my shelter.
Im not heart broken, but you still gave me your heart.
Im tired of people fighting over a guy, or guys getting mad for their friends dating their exs....
Im tired of girls getting jealous of each other's looks...
or money, or whatever....
Sometimes Im scared to think, to do,... I express my feelings by typing, and responses....
But sometimes letting my friends know how I feel no longer cuts it.... No one cares about what their best friend has to cry about... Its every man for themself....
I can tell you what your doing is wrong,... and you'll hate me for that,... even if Im trying to give you advice,... you'll hate me for that,... If I know something will bring you down,... You'll hate me for that.
Choose what you want with your own life,... Im just trying to point things out.
IDK where I was going with this anymore.... but I just wish there was more people out there that were more understanding, or accepted that people dont like certain things.....
I wish I had friends that would consider me as family...
Its hard to find people like that...
I thank you Jared, for being there for me
They are all just people who tell me that they can handle me,... that we'll be friends forever.... that we're a family,...
And all of those are just lies.... always.
People I've dated say that we'll always be friends, or they will always love me....
I have a few of those.... but its not enough to call it friendship.
It doesnt matter if you grew up with someone.... It doesnt matter if you spent every single day with them for 5 years,....
It doesnt matter if you told them your deepest darkest secrets.... There is no such thing as 'best friends forever'
Not in my book,... but,.... I still hope you will be....
I hope you never hate me,... I hope you dont see like the others do. I hope that you see me different in your eyes... But than I hope you see it, and I hope that your sight never grows old.
Im no damsel in distress, but your still my hero.
Im not homeless, but your still my shelter.
Im not heart broken, but you still gave me your heart.
Im tired of people fighting over a guy, or guys getting mad for their friends dating their exs....
Im tired of girls getting jealous of each other's looks...
or money, or whatever....
Sometimes Im scared to think, to do,... I express my feelings by typing, and responses....
But sometimes letting my friends know how I feel no longer cuts it.... No one cares about what their best friend has to cry about... Its every man for themself....
I can tell you what your doing is wrong,... and you'll hate me for that,... even if Im trying to give you advice,... you'll hate me for that,... If I know something will bring you down,... You'll hate me for that.
Choose what you want with your own life,... Im just trying to point things out.
IDK where I was going with this anymore.... but I just wish there was more people out there that were more understanding, or accepted that people dont like certain things.....
I wish I had friends that would consider me as family...
Its hard to find people like that...
I thank you Jared, for being there for me
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Lullaby
Yesterday I wrote a blog about missing Turlock...
And how I miss people,... and how Im not happy...
And the last think I remember thinking before finally falling alseep lastnight was how lucky I am to have a boyfriend who will put up with all my drama, all my sadness, and the fact that I miss California so much.
Sometimes I wonder what goes through your mind when im upset, or crying.
I seem to always have so much feelings, I complain about so much,...
And than when something happens to you, well, you either yell,... and then it seems like you dont want to talk about it at all.
Well, when im crying, I dont want to talk about it,.... but I do tend to just want to cling onto you and let it all out without a word
Why you love me so much is beyond me....
And how I miss people,... and how Im not happy...
And the last think I remember thinking before finally falling alseep lastnight was how lucky I am to have a boyfriend who will put up with all my drama, all my sadness, and the fact that I miss California so much.
Sometimes I wonder what goes through your mind when im upset, or crying.
I seem to always have so much feelings, I complain about so much,...
And than when something happens to you, well, you either yell,... and then it seems like you dont want to talk about it at all.
Well, when im crying, I dont want to talk about it,.... but I do tend to just want to cling onto you and let it all out without a word
Why you love me so much is beyond me....
Friday, July 9, 2010
singing
wow,..... so im like comfortable singing around you now.... not just singing under my breath.... but yay, way to go you....
eventhough you kinda laughed when i started singing that one song....
now all you have to wait for is for me to start singing crazy and weird and stuff,.... thats when Im like pretty much almost 100% comfortable around you...
Im already pretty much there, but once I can start acting crazy, thats like, your plus :]
eventhough you kinda laughed when i started singing that one song....
now all you have to wait for is for me to start singing crazy and weird and stuff,.... thats when Im like pretty much almost 100% comfortable around you...
Im already pretty much there, but once I can start acting crazy, thats like, your plus :]
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Hello there
Im very tired, and wanting to take a nap before class...
Im really hoping that you can get the car fixed,.... but if not, please dont get toooo stressed out. It makes me sad when your all angry, and I just want to pull you out from under the car and just cling onto you.
anyways I love you babe.....
Im really hoping that you can get the car fixed,.... but if not, please dont get toooo stressed out. It makes me sad when your all angry, and I just want to pull you out from under the car and just cling onto you.
anyways I love you babe.....
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
pictures!!!
ok, so I didnt know what to post.... so ima just do this :]
sorry for the HUGE pictures..... idk what exactly I was doing... but here you go :]
and as you can tell, I didnt post any of me jess and ronnie, cause you've probably already seen them all on myspace and fb
for all the super huge pictures, please just 'click' on them
I miss my punk friends
we always... ALWAYS hung out at my house when I lived with my aunt... idk why... everyone loved my mom... maybe thats why lol
this is clair... she is now preggo
[wow, you just said you were waiting for me to run after you..... yet again.... you make me feel like shit. I feel like crying now...... ]
this is how 'emo' I was
my great grandma's farm
my grandma's bathroom
and I think that shirt says 'i <3 skater boys'
she looks like a boy now.... and it sucks seeing her like that now
remember I told you about a girl named cynthia? and how she was with her boy for 3 years.... than they broke up? this is how close of friends we used to be
I was like... 17?
I LOVE this picture I took of my cousins :]
thats robbi, ricky, and karrisa [sp]
robby is in high school now,... ricky was molested by a family friend, and karrisa is a spoiled brat!!! who now has a little sister named theta
this is Theta now:
she is super cute!!!
this is karrisa when she was sweet and cute too lol
and this is theta when she was a baby
yay for trying to be a sexy 17 year old....
dude, I like, have the same body still
Jessika cinthia, me, Bree'Aunna [who is now preggo too] and jessika and bree are twins
Derrick and Ryan
Hawaii.... visiting, and visiting Michelle
The big pink... PINK hospital in Hawaii that I was born in
Michelle.... who is also preggo
Abby... she used to be another one of my best friends
age 17...
Me and bree
see how old my clothes are?
my boobs look big xD
that josh dude, the one I said 'oh that guy looks like this kid I went to school with' when we were at the fair
KCCC!!! I loved KC sooo much.... I have not talked to her for years and years though =[
abby trying to get in the back of Derrick's car, or getting out of derricks car
love the juice
Everyone... I mean EVERYONE called me Bridget.... most people thought that that was my real name
holloween
and of course im a Pirate... idk where that shirt is
me and a different Michelle
I was like 14... uuuugly!!!!
BABY MUGGLE
him when he was SUPER young, with his lil sisters and brothers
Kevin
Taz Dove older brother of Duaine Dove
me and josh
josh m, josh m, and Duaine :] yes,.... the joshes are confusing
IDK and Annistasia [sp] and yes, he was named IDK
donnie
my mom's wedding dress
Donnie & Derrick [before the drama] and Dannie [hes gay ^-^]
it looks like shes lifting me up huh?
duaine and donnie
that stupid stick bitch
me and kevin
MY MOMMY!!!
The only v-day that I have ever been taken out... I was like 16 or 17
nick
me and kristel
me and bold headed alexis >.>
dom... [he is somewhere up top too]
my bday one year
I miss you soooo much babe
sorry for the HUGE pictures..... idk what exactly I was doing... but here you go :]
and as you can tell, I didnt post any of me jess and ronnie, cause you've probably already seen them all on myspace and fb
for all the super huge pictures, please just 'click' on them
I miss my punk friends
we always... ALWAYS hung out at my house when I lived with my aunt... idk why... everyone loved my mom... maybe thats why lol
this is clair... she is now preggo
[wow, you just said you were waiting for me to run after you..... yet again.... you make me feel like shit. I feel like crying now...... ]
this is how 'emo' I was
my great grandma's farm
my grandma's bathroom
and I think that shirt says 'i <3 skater boys'
she looks like a boy now.... and it sucks seeing her like that now
remember I told you about a girl named cynthia? and how she was with her boy for 3 years.... than they broke up? this is how close of friends we used to be
I was like... 17?
I LOVE this picture I took of my cousins :]
thats robbi, ricky, and karrisa [sp]
robby is in high school now,... ricky was molested by a family friend, and karrisa is a spoiled brat!!! who now has a little sister named theta
this is Theta now:
she is super cute!!!
this is karrisa when she was sweet and cute too lol
and this is theta when she was a baby
yay for trying to be a sexy 17 year old....
dude, I like, have the same body still
Jessika cinthia, me, Bree'Aunna [who is now preggo too] and jessika and bree are twins
Derrick and Ryan
Hawaii.... visiting, and visiting Michelle
The big pink... PINK hospital in Hawaii that I was born in
Michelle.... who is also preggo
Abby... she used to be another one of my best friends
age 17...
Me and bree
see how old my clothes are?
my boobs look big xD
that josh dude, the one I said 'oh that guy looks like this kid I went to school with' when we were at the fair
KCCC!!! I loved KC sooo much.... I have not talked to her for years and years though =[
abby trying to get in the back of Derrick's car, or getting out of derricks car
love the juice
Everyone... I mean EVERYONE called me Bridget.... most people thought that that was my real name
holloween
and of course im a Pirate... idk where that shirt is
me and a different Michelle
I was like 14... uuuugly!!!!
BABY MUGGLE
him when he was SUPER young, with his lil sisters and brothers
Kevin
Taz Dove older brother of Duaine Dove
me and josh
josh m, josh m, and Duaine :] yes,.... the joshes are confusing
IDK and Annistasia [sp] and yes, he was named IDK
donnie
my mom's wedding dress
Donnie & Derrick [before the drama] and Dannie [hes gay ^-^]
it looks like shes lifting me up huh?
duaine and donnie
that stupid stick bitch
me and kevin
MY MOMMY!!!
The only v-day that I have ever been taken out... I was like 16 or 17
nick
me and kristel
me and bold headed alexis >.>
dom... [he is somewhere up top too]
my bday one year
I miss you soooo much babe
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