Photograph

So I've been sitting here all day,... staring at your pictures...
Missing you...
missing how we always had fun.

So besides that,... I went to work out for a lil... than did laundry,... than found my nail polish... than messed up my room [im sorry] cause I was looking for my leggings, which I didnt find, and my plad skirt.... which I did find. and than I lost my nail polish... ugh.

I hate it when my dad coughs and ever covers his mouth!!! makes me feel soo icky.

OH!!!! omg, I found the CUTEST costume ever!!!!!!!! I sooooooooooo want iiiittttt!!!!!
soooo baaaadddd!!!!
Hopefully after Deathwish I could maybe afford it... its $35
but I think you'd like it...
and I wanna go to hallowfreaknween just cause its on the 30th lol
yes, JUST because its on the 30th....

I so wanna do something for halloween other than stand around at a club ='(

About You

You've seen how much I write about people in my life...
You saw that before we were dating...
Did you expect that I wouldnt write about you?
Of course I would....

So please, would you mind answering these for me?

Are you mad that I write about you?
Do you even 'like' reading my stuff anymore?
I want to know whats on your mind all the time... Do you still wonder whats on my mind?
Are we still a new couple? Or have you grown old of my actions?
Am I on your mind?
Do you listen to songs that remind you of me?


Because I still think about you all the time...
I still dream about you...
I still want to fall asleep in your arms all the time.
I still listen to songs that remind you of me.
I always want to know whats on your mind...
Sometimes I think I talk too much, and might scare you away
I always think I might scare you away.

I smile when you fall asleep next to me, with your hand on my chest...
I smile when you fall asleep on my lap...
I smile when I get to hold you...
But I cry inside because I never want to let you go...

I become sad if I dont know if I'll get to see you
for a day, two, or three...
for an hour or two...
Yes, I'll give you your free time, as I want mine...
But I'll still be sad I dont get to see you, or touch you.

I may seem like every other girl... being so loving, and too clingy, and too needy...
But I play the actions of the heart...
And my heart will show on my face...
I wear my heart on my sleeve.

If I could, I'd write songs for you,...
If I could, I'd sing for you.
I've given you my life...
I've given you my heart.


At one point of time I thought 'I put too much hope into getting a place with him"
But no matter what, I never put 'too much' hope or thought into anything with you.
I will never regret anything with you that made me smile once...
Because everything that happens with me and you, is exactly how I want it to be...
If you get what I mean.

You just make me so happy...
Even though we're two different people, I still love you for who you are.
And I just keep thinking about the past...
Why you would pick a girl like me...
And I hope its not that you found something broken, and thought you'd just try and fix it to say something good about yourself...
I hope that you found me, and found what ever little beauty in me, and fell in love with it.
I hope you found some good, and saw that it could be greater in the future...
I hope that you found love in me, through the eyes of hate...
And saw that I could love a person more than they were ever loved, if they just gave me a chance...

But with everything being so little, it seems to be forgotten... lost,... or turns invisible to someone's eyes after a while...
My hate and anger seems to get in the way...
It seems to overtake...
But it never actually does.
Im sorry it hurts you, and I will, and try to fix that.
But please know,.. it wont just 'go away'
And untill I take classes...
I will either tell you almost every time Im angry...
Or just lock it inside, and smile,... Acting like everythings alright.
I will ignore my heart when it breaks,...
Because right now, I just want us to work...
I want to be there for you... as you've been there for me.
I feel like I have to do more now...
Because when I was there for you, when I was trying to work things out, when I was trying to help,... You didnt seem to notice one bit.
When I sacrifice things for you, you never noticed.
When I did things for you, you've seem to have forgotten them.
As you told Krystal 'she's actually trying 'now'' as if I never tried before...
So everything I did back than... seemed to have gone straight down the drain...
I wouldnt say it was a 'waste' or 'a waste of my time' because everything I do for you is never a waste of time.
But it did turn invisible...
I thank you for everything you do for me...
and I've told you that before...
I always thank you for helping me, supporting me, being there...

But I feel like you just thank me for your smiles.
So now, I will try and prove to you even more, even harder....
Im trying,... I will try...
More than a couple even should try...
And Im ok with that...
Though I think you should accept me for who I am...
Im ok with trying to prove myself to you...
Because I want this to work...
So because I am holding all my anger in, or just 'explaining' to you my anger [which doesnt always work]
Because Im holding it in till I take my classes....
It will build up more and more...

So sometimes there is going to be moments that I will just break down and cry...
or just want to go home, or break things, or rip things up....
But I promise I wont do it around you..
if anything happens around you, it'll be that I just dont feel like talking for an hour or something.


I dont want to be a normal couple anymore... where we get into stupid arguments like little kids...
I never want to be in a relationship, where we have to scream at the top of our lungs...
I want a perfect family, as most girls want.
Im glad to know that you want one too...
I hope it stays that way....
I hope you never change your mind...

I want to be with you forever...
Even if your friends with people who hate me...
and if I hate people your friends with...

However, note it would probably never be like that for you.
I just dont find a reason to put you through that, but than again, I've always been alright with loosing friends.
Its reality.
My reality is that no one is there for me when I really need them.
And face it,... there are, and will be more times you wont be there for me.

And no, Im not trying to make you feel guilty or anything...
But if you want this relationship to work, I will speak my mind when I want, and when I feel like it...
No more miss communications...
The only time I will hold back, and lock my anger inside, is when Im not angry at you, not irritated at you, or have to think about the situation first.
No, that doesnt mean Im going to ignore you.

But again, I am not trying to make you feel guilty, but this is how I see things for right now.

I will try to make things work, I will try to make things better...
But I will, and always will still have my feelings.


This probably made you smile at one point of time, and after reading more and more, your smile probably faded away...
Im sorry.
I always want to make you smile...
I always want to see you happy...
I always want to see you texting people... and when they ask you how your doing...
I always want to see that your doing great...
Because I always want to make you happy.
I always want to text you, but sometimes I dont like texting, or that Im busy...
But even if I am busy, I want you to know, that your still on my mind...
I always want a thousand texts from you, saying goodnight, and trying to get the last word.
I always want to call you,... even if Im in town....
I always want to remember how we made such a huge effort to get online at the same time, just so we could talk when we didnt have our phones...

I just want to make you happier than you have ever been...
I want to make you smile more than any friend could, or any other girl...
I want you to feel higher than you've ever been....

But I feel like im boring sometimes...
all the time...
='(
I want to take you out to the movies, out to dinner,... I want to take you to places you've never been, I want to take you to the most nicest place you've ever seen...
But Im new here... and dont know where anything is at.
If we were in Cali... I could take you to fun places to eat,... I could sneak you into the movies... I could take you to hidden beaches, I could take you to cool tide pool places, we could watch the sunset to rise onto the other side of the world...

I want to make videos of the two of us...
of our lives...
Like old movies...
And watch them over and over when I miss you...
I just want to focus on making things work between me and you...
keeping things good between us...
and making you happy...

Because babe, I dont know what I'd do without you.
You are my life.
my sun, my stars...
And your my memories with new ones to come...

I love you Jared

Home Sweet Home?

Im afraid to go home now...
Because all that is running through my head is your 'plan' to break up with me...
And I think your still going to do it...
And thats going to be my 'welcome home' from you...

Im afraid to go home....
Im afraid your just going to blow up, because you 'think' I say 'it has to be my way' when I never said that...
I think your not going to give me a chance...
And just assume, assume, assume.

I no longer want to see Derek, because thats what you told me, when thats never what I had intended to say...
And he told you to wait till I suffer, so you can be the one with the control...
And you listened.

I love you, and Im not afraid to love you...
Im afraid your going to hurt me.
Im afraid you think everything I say is 'my way, my way' when those were never the words.
Im afraid to put myself through everything....
I dont want to loose you
ever

But all those things you said, all your plans, all your friend's words to just leave me, make me suffer, wait till I break...
Im afraid to go home.

fairy tale

So I told you Im waiting for my dad to come home later on for a shoot
Later on as in, maybe in an hour or so, because I told you he wont be back till 4 or 5 because he went to santa cruz for his doctors appointment.
4 or 5...
After 4 or 5, I would [obviously] drive down to pick up alayna... and tha7:n talk over out outfits...
after that, we would [obviously] drive to the location of the photoshoot...
the shoot was at 6...
we got done at 7:25
7:30 we started driving home.
7:40 I told Alayna how I had such a great boyfriend...
So Alayna started talking about how she is living in a Fairy Tale... Thats how great her relationship is with her boyfriend...
About how he picks her up and just carries her,...
About how he is like a prince...

And than you text me,...
which you should know Im doing a shoot...
Cause I already told you...
So I told you that...
Than you insisted that no, I didnt tell you that.
And since I clearly remember telling you Im going to a shoot later on in the day...
So I simply said 'ok, whatever'
That was my part of dropping it...
Which you could have done too....
You could have done it at first, saying 'oh, ok' even if you dont remember me telling you...
But no... you had to keep pushing it.
"Why are you being all pissy with me... I didnt do anything"
One, dont ever say im being pissy.... your knowledge about me is fading faster and faster...
Two, you did do something... by not dropping it when I already dropped it.
Than you kept pushing it more, and more and more...

So I decided a good break from talking to you would work...
But than when I asked 'why dont you love me' like I do every so often...
YOU BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN!!!

"I dont understand why you get so mad and than take it out on me all the time"
And than when I said that you were 'arguing' which you were.... simply by saying 'no you didnt'
and by me droping it, and by you bring it up again....


I wish to believe you still know me....
But I see that sometimes you dont.
And if you cant fucking mature enough to fucking drop it when I've dropped it...
We're gonna have some issues.
Yea, I was arguing, but I dropped it.
When You finally dropped it, I did too....

It was kinda sad,... because Lay was talking about how great her boyfriend was...
And you were arguing with me over text, saying Im being all pissy and taking it all out on you.
I was pretty disappointed....

Earlier Ali was saying how you should be really thankful that I even trust you as much as I do, after being fucked over really hard from Donnie...
You know what... I dont think you are thankful... I dont think you even think about it... I dont think you even give it a thought about how lucky you are that I trust you...

Right now, yes, I am taking my anger out on you.
I want to talk about how your my prince... But I couldnt, cause you had to pull shit on me.
I want you to want me to call...
I want you to pay attention...
I want you to just say 'ok' when I tell you something and no argue about it.
I want to not hear shit from you like we're a horrible couple:
"i just dont see why we can never talk stuff through like a couple is supposed to do"
I didnt know there was a rule on how couples are supposed to be.
I want to be able to not cry...
I want to be able to know that you dont cry because of me.
I want to know you cry because you miss me.
I want to know you cry because you hurt me...
I want to know you love me, and take me seriously.
I want to know that your a man..
I dont want to feel like Im having a heart attack everytime you say something to hurt my feelings.
I want to know your not playing around with me...
I want to know you DO love me... and not just say it.
I want to know you DO miss me... and not just say it.
I want you to be the prince that you say you are.

Love You more

I love you, and I believe you love me too...
But when you try to convince me that you love me more... I think differently.
Yes, I argue more than you do... Yes, I get irritated more than you do,... yea, my anger problems are probably worse than yours for the time being...

But when I think about it,... I see it as I love you more.
One, I take you a little more seriously than you do...
Two,... I dont have to have sex with you to love you.. [not that you do]
three,.. you know I dont like my ass being slapped around like a ping pong, yet you still do it..
four, I always want to spend time with you, and you come with reasons not to spend time with me on the days I want to spend most of my time with you...
Like today [friday] or last friday

You always have an option to do whatever you want... all you have to do is aks, or demand... that is, unless your getting kicked out.

I say things, and I regret it.. I say things because I feel like you upset me, and your just so blind, that you cant see that you upset me,.... so I upset you... and what I really want, is for you to come over and hold me...
But I cant get that, so I than expect an apology instead...
But you dont do that, so I dont say sorry...
And when I dont say sorry, thats because I dont want to admit that Im the one who is wrong...

And I cant admit that Im wrong, because I feel like your wrong too...
And than if I say sorry, I'll feel like your just saying sorry just because...
And not that you actually mean it.
Than I just regret even saying anything...
But than if I dont say anything, than you wouldnt have even noticed that you hurt me.
And if you never notice that you hurt me, you'd probably just keep doing it over and over and over...
Realizing it or not...

And if you never do realize it...
Than I'll just be a mess all the time.
And its not that if you hurt me, I want to hurt you back...
Its that you hurt me, dont realize it, argue because Im trying to explain, and never apologize...
And thats when I do something that hurts you too.
I guess thats how I try to let you know that you did something.

You've got to see things, and realize things before you speak, agree, or do something.
If you 'have' to do something... no, you dont 'have' to do something. You either 'want to' or you feel the 'need' to do it.
If someone tells you to do something, you better be getting paid to follow orders,...
If your not, its either because your getting kicked out, or you got introuble before being demanded...
Otherwise, your free to speak. No one controls you but yourself.

If you dont want to do something now, dont do it....
Besides, not like your brother or dad went to your mom's friend's birthday...
saying 'i ditched my family for you' no... not how it goes.
You can see your cousin the next day. You can stop by and say hi, and leave, you can buy him a gift later, you can send him a text...
Not like any of my cousins sent me a text, or even posted on my fb saying 'happy birthday' nor did I even get a letter from them.

You have a great close family.
I moved around so much, that my family doesnt give a shit about me really except my grandma.
Thats real life right there....
Your grandma or grandpa are going to be the only ones who really give a shit...
My dad's brother probably doesnt even care.
You know why? Because they have their own lives to live...
In the end... your friends will betray you.
My own grandpa hates me...
My 'real' grandpa doesnt even know how to spell my name.
My mom's dad cant send me an email through my aunt saying happy birthday...
He couldnt even come to his own daughter's funeral.
My mom's mom didnt even make it...
My mom's first daughter didnt even make it,.. and she lives in the states!
My mom's first son hasnt seen his real mom since he was 4 years old...
And my mom always always sent him money.

This is how I see birthdays, and holidays....
Food, and money.
A few laughs
maybe a picture that is never going to come out of the camera...
and cards that are just going to be shoved in a box for years and years...
Little kid's drawings are going to be on their grandparent's walls... just to stay there for a few years...
or if longer, they are going to be put into a room no one goes into, or just walked past, without a single glance directed to them.

Who in your family wrote, or called you when you were gone for a year?
Which friends wrote you or called you?
If you moved,.... who would fly to see you every year?
Like my dad and I do 3 or 4 times a year to see my grandma...
If you had a heart attack... who would come fly out to see you the very next day, or that very night?

But you seem to have a real family, so it's not my place for wanting you to spend time with me on 4th of July... or the day before I go.
I just see the world as being one big fake...
so when you have something with your family, I might not always understand...
I may think that your family all just lives in one big fairy tale...
so please forgive me. Im sorry.
I just think its just unrealistic to have a birthday party with your whole family for every single person. It just looks like people are trying to find things to do with their boring lives, and free food to me.
I will never understand, because the last time my family gathered, and gave a shit about my birthday was probably when I was 9 or 10 since it was after I came back from England...
Which reminds me... after coming back from England, after being gone for 3/4 years...
I felt so unwelcome. The only person who even talked to me was a boy a few years older than me, who worked for my uncle on his farm.

So when it comes to family,... I will never understand.
So when you say 'you'll ditch your family for me' or when Krystal says 'That isnt right of her, your family deserves you'

I still hate her guts....
And for you to go through her stuff just to see 'if she's alright' irritated the hell out of me.
Juan didnt even say the shit she said, and I could care less about him now... except if he died...
And shes obviously not dead.
For you to 'check up on her, to see how she is doing' is kinda like saying you still like her [as a friend] and that you totally forgive her for calling your gf everything she called me >.>
Dont ever tell me 'she helped me through a lot' because if she cared, she wouldnt have said anything about me...
If Juan cared... he wouldnt have said anything about you, as well as me.
If she really cared, she'd be here for you right now.
If your going to use 'she helped me through a lot' on me... than where is she now?
If your going to use that phrase on me, as if it should still matter, than why is she going around calling me names?

Why are you checking up on her? Why are you wishing her 'happy day of birth'?
Why didnt you delete that message from her? You know im going to read it..
Why did you have to look through her page infront of me? You know I can see your computer screen right infront of me...
Its like you do things on purpose...
Its showing me you still care about her [as a friend or more]
and showing me you still care about her, makes me feel like you forgive her for calling me what she did...

And I dont know about you, but to me... that shows you dont really love me as much as you say you do...
That shows me that I love you more.

Have I gone to a club without you?
No.
This is going to be your 3rd time you've gone to a club without me.
Last time... You claimed that you were hoping I would come to the event...
Why would I do that after you made me cry?
If you wanted me to go, you would have asked...

Im not saying you dont love me,.. no, I am not saying that... But...
I think in reality... I love you more.

Not too happy

I was going to write all these blogs...
But when you told me you wont get home till 5...
Than you have to go to your cousin's birthday...
When are you going to be home?
7?
When we need to fucking start packing shit, and leave around 8...
Since we need to get raffle tickets and junk...

Im leaving on Saturday... And tomorrow your going to be busy till about time to go to the club...
Thats like 0 personal time with each other till I come back from Cali...
That means...
no laying with each other, no kisses really, no long hugs[u know what I mean... not the simple little things],... till I come back from Cali... Over a week...

LoveLine

So I was listening to the radio on the way home...
A guy was engaged to a girl he isnt sexually attracted to at all...
It just makes you think...
Just think of someone who isnt sexually attracted, or ATTRACTED AT ALL to their partner... Than 'really' their 'partner' is just another buddy....

Sometimes when your too playful with me, in a way, it makes me think that this is all just fun and games, kicks and giggles...
idk if I see real love, that we can act ourselves... or if I just see it as a 'love game'

I love you, and I trust you...
but like you...
and your thoughts...
I have mine too once in a blue moon

Tick Tock

Long time no see...
So I thought I'd post something for you.
I love you....

and these stupid videos wont work, and when they DO work... they are all sideways on the movie maker...
ugh
not cool.

I had fun this weekend, spending everyday with you....
But I feel like you grew tired of me quickly
=[

And the 'I'll play video games "if my girlfriend lets me"' <--- ='( That kinda made me sad, and also a little upset.
I never say you 'cant' play video games...
Sure I think video games are a waste of time,... but I never say your not allowed to play them.
In a way, that, and feeling like you got tired of seeing me everyday the past few days made me think that if and when we do move in.... that you wont like it.

Anyways,... gosh, your such a lier! lol
I saw you posted on someone's facebook, saying you wont $300 gambaling last weekend...
lol
your funny....

and I miss you