Love You more

I love you, and I believe you love me too...
But when you try to convince me that you love me more... I think differently.
Yes, I argue more than you do... Yes, I get irritated more than you do,... yea, my anger problems are probably worse than yours for the time being...

But when I think about it,... I see it as I love you more.
One, I take you a little more seriously than you do...
Two,... I dont have to have sex with you to love you.. [not that you do]
three,.. you know I dont like my ass being slapped around like a ping pong, yet you still do it..
four, I always want to spend time with you, and you come with reasons not to spend time with me on the days I want to spend most of my time with you...
Like today [friday] or last friday

You always have an option to do whatever you want... all you have to do is aks, or demand... that is, unless your getting kicked out.

I say things, and I regret it.. I say things because I feel like you upset me, and your just so blind, that you cant see that you upset me,.... so I upset you... and what I really want, is for you to come over and hold me...
But I cant get that, so I than expect an apology instead...
But you dont do that, so I dont say sorry...
And when I dont say sorry, thats because I dont want to admit that Im the one who is wrong...

And I cant admit that Im wrong, because I feel like your wrong too...
And than if I say sorry, I'll feel like your just saying sorry just because...
And not that you actually mean it.
Than I just regret even saying anything...
But than if I dont say anything, than you wouldnt have even noticed that you hurt me.
And if you never notice that you hurt me, you'd probably just keep doing it over and over and over...
Realizing it or not...

And if you never do realize it...
Than I'll just be a mess all the time.
And its not that if you hurt me, I want to hurt you back...
Its that you hurt me, dont realize it, argue because Im trying to explain, and never apologize...
And thats when I do something that hurts you too.
I guess thats how I try to let you know that you did something.

You've got to see things, and realize things before you speak, agree, or do something.
If you 'have' to do something... no, you dont 'have' to do something. You either 'want to' or you feel the 'need' to do it.
If someone tells you to do something, you better be getting paid to follow orders,...
If your not, its either because your getting kicked out, or you got introuble before being demanded...
Otherwise, your free to speak. No one controls you but yourself.

If you dont want to do something now, dont do it....
Besides, not like your brother or dad went to your mom's friend's birthday...
saying 'i ditched my family for you' no... not how it goes.
You can see your cousin the next day. You can stop by and say hi, and leave, you can buy him a gift later, you can send him a text...
Not like any of my cousins sent me a text, or even posted on my fb saying 'happy birthday' nor did I even get a letter from them.

You have a great close family.
I moved around so much, that my family doesnt give a shit about me really except my grandma.
Thats real life right there....
Your grandma or grandpa are going to be the only ones who really give a shit...
My dad's brother probably doesnt even care.
You know why? Because they have their own lives to live...
In the end... your friends will betray you.
My own grandpa hates me...
My 'real' grandpa doesnt even know how to spell my name.
My mom's dad cant send me an email through my aunt saying happy birthday...
He couldnt even come to his own daughter's funeral.
My mom's mom didnt even make it...
My mom's first daughter didnt even make it,.. and she lives in the states!
My mom's first son hasnt seen his real mom since he was 4 years old...
And my mom always always sent him money.

This is how I see birthdays, and holidays....
Food, and money.
A few laughs
maybe a picture that is never going to come out of the camera...
and cards that are just going to be shoved in a box for years and years...
Little kid's drawings are going to be on their grandparent's walls... just to stay there for a few years...
or if longer, they are going to be put into a room no one goes into, or just walked past, without a single glance directed to them.

Who in your family wrote, or called you when you were gone for a year?
Which friends wrote you or called you?
If you moved,.... who would fly to see you every year?
Like my dad and I do 3 or 4 times a year to see my grandma...
If you had a heart attack... who would come fly out to see you the very next day, or that very night?

But you seem to have a real family, so it's not my place for wanting you to spend time with me on 4th of July... or the day before I go.
I just see the world as being one big fake...
so when you have something with your family, I might not always understand...
I may think that your family all just lives in one big fairy tale...
so please forgive me. Im sorry.
I just think its just unrealistic to have a birthday party with your whole family for every single person. It just looks like people are trying to find things to do with their boring lives, and free food to me.
I will never understand, because the last time my family gathered, and gave a shit about my birthday was probably when I was 9 or 10 since it was after I came back from England...
Which reminds me... after coming back from England, after being gone for 3/4 years...
I felt so unwelcome. The only person who even talked to me was a boy a few years older than me, who worked for my uncle on his farm.

So when it comes to family,... I will never understand.
So when you say 'you'll ditch your family for me' or when Krystal says 'That isnt right of her, your family deserves you'

I still hate her guts....
And for you to go through her stuff just to see 'if she's alright' irritated the hell out of me.
Juan didnt even say the shit she said, and I could care less about him now... except if he died...
And shes obviously not dead.
For you to 'check up on her, to see how she is doing' is kinda like saying you still like her [as a friend] and that you totally forgive her for calling your gf everything she called me >.>
Dont ever tell me 'she helped me through a lot' because if she cared, she wouldnt have said anything about me...
If Juan cared... he wouldnt have said anything about you, as well as me.
If she really cared, she'd be here for you right now.
If your going to use 'she helped me through a lot' on me... than where is she now?
If your going to use that phrase on me, as if it should still matter, than why is she going around calling me names?

Why are you checking up on her? Why are you wishing her 'happy day of birth'?
Why didnt you delete that message from her? You know im going to read it..
Why did you have to look through her page infront of me? You know I can see your computer screen right infront of me...
Its like you do things on purpose...
Its showing me you still care about her [as a friend or more]
and showing me you still care about her, makes me feel like you forgive her for calling me what she did...

And I dont know about you, but to me... that shows you dont really love me as much as you say you do...
That shows me that I love you more.

Have I gone to a club without you?
No.
This is going to be your 3rd time you've gone to a club without me.
Last time... You claimed that you were hoping I would come to the event...
Why would I do that after you made me cry?
If you wanted me to go, you would have asked...

Im not saying you dont love me,.. no, I am not saying that... But...
I think in reality... I love you more.