Im not bringing up stuff, or complaining, or anything....
Im trying to open up my feelings to you since we havnt talked in a while....
Like really 'talked talked'
So I will write...
and you probably wont like it.
Because to you, it'll just sound like Im complaining.
"Sometimes I just want to shut off our phones....
Just so you and me could talk online more...
Tell each other how much we miss each other...
write to the world how much we love each other...
To pay more attention to each other, when we're with each other...
Sometimes I want to take away the car....
Just so we could feel how valuable our time is with each other...
Willing to get as much change just to see each other...
To feel the love for each other, by how much we get worried about each other going home alone...
Sometimes....
I wish I wasnt so love...
I wish I could 'man up'...
I wish I didnt want to be the princess...
I wish there was no such thing as tears...
I wish there was no such thing as pain..
or hope
or wishes
Sometimes...
I wish we were from back in the day...
Where we'd both be working hard, and the best thing in the world is to sit at the table with your wife, husband, and kids.
Where there was no television...
Where there were no cars...
Where cheating on your loved one, was something that got you killed...
Where people took the time to write, and mail letters...
Where love was the strongest thing ever...."
I was watching that 'cheesy robin hood' [as you would say] and a guy was paying the church to be with his wife [I didnt really follow why]
and he was so poor... every time he made ANYTHING... even 12 shillings, he would run there, just to pay to get his wife from the church, so he could finally get married to her.
You are so busy with seeing me, that I dont notice that you dont have time for romance... but more time of 'seeing me'
Your always talking to me, that I dont notice you dont have time to talk about me,... but more of talking 'to me'
Your so busy telling me you love me, that I dont notice you dont you dont have time to tell the world you love me,... but more time of telling 'me' you love me.
So there for, I worry, I complain, Im in pain, I doubt, I wonder, I cry, I beg, I seek, I pleed, I try, I show, I hurt, and all in all, I dont see a change.
But like I said, your too busy being with me, that everything else 'must be canceled out' because as long as your with me... you dont have to tell the world, you dont have to be romantic, or you dont have to talk 'about me' right?
My life revolves around you. I dont want to do things... without you there, but I have to...
As you do too...
I just want too much in life, and I just miss how things used to be.
I miss seeing you post about me.... ALL THE TIME...
but you dont even care to go online anymore... you just want to talk to me.
I miss you wanting to get on the bus.... just to see me for an hour or two...
I miss you comming into my room and surprising me...
I feel like if something happened to us...
I feel like you were the first to tell me you loved me, and you'd be the first one to stop saying it...
as I was the last to say I loved you...
and I'd be the last to say it between us.
I just miss you so much...
and I feel like you dont miss me as much.
I feel like I love you so much more...
More than you love me.
In the past few days you missed:
Me dancing with just your red sweater on, and no underwear...
Me hugging your sweater when I go to bed...
Me sleeping next to a pillow now, cause it makes me feel less alone...
Me watching a bunch of movies alone...
Me job searching... alone...
And.... me...
being alone.
I miss you so much =[ and whenever I say 'I wish I could see you' all you can do is 'i cant take days off, not this late in the season!' blah blah blah....
I wish I could see you tonight, but your probably not wanting to because you have work in the morning...
but I do.... DO hope I get to see you wednesday night, and thursday...
and I hope you get to come with me on saturday
but if you have work saturday, I understand...
I love you and miss you
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
blot 2 OMG I WANT!
why didnt I see this page before?!?! OMG I WANT THE INDIAN ONE!!! I want like... ALL OF THESE!!!
I guess thats why I should have a job lol
so I can look sexy for you xp
but these are sooooo expensive!
here are my favs: [you dont have to look at all of them right now if your tired]
http://www.yandy.com/Indian-Maiden-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Floppy-Bunny-Rabbit-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Fox-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Indian-Warrior-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Groovy-Woodstock-Baby.php
http://www.yandy.com/Honey-Bee-37.php
http://www.yandy.com/Lovely-Lady-Bug-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Plaid-Schoolgirl-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Seductive-Squaw.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Asian-Girl.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Play-Bunny.php
http://www.yandy.com/Striped-Skirt-and-Lace-Top-Set.php
http://www.yandy.com/Prrfection-Leopard-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Mistress-Pirate.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Kandy-Korn-Witch.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Panda-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Naughty-Pussycat-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Wolf-Costume.php
lol gingerbread girl
http://www.yandy.com/Gingerbread-Girl.php
HEY LOOK! its cheshire the cat,... only its blue for some odd reason.
http://www.yandy.com/Cheshire-Cat-Costume.php
and here is a different cheshire the cat
http://www.yandy.com/Clubbin-Kitty-Costume.php
another cheshire the cat... I would buy just the leggings if I could
http://www.yandy.com/Cheshire-Cat-Halloween-Costume.php
ANYWAYS!!
which ones do you like so I can order it in the morning:
just click it, and when you put your curser over the picture, you should be able to magnify it... to make it bigger.
Um.... I WANNA GO! http://www.ravelinks.com/forums/f100/nov26-basshunter-global-fridays-the-church-419919/
I guess thats why I should have a job lol
so I can look sexy for you xp
but these are sooooo expensive!
here are my favs: [you dont have to look at all of them right now if your tired]
http://www.yandy.com/Indian-Maiden-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Floppy-Bunny-Rabbit-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Fox-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Indian-Warrior-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Groovy-Woodstock-Baby.php
http://www.yandy.com/Honey-Bee-37.php
http://www.yandy.com/Lovely-Lady-Bug-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Plaid-Schoolgirl-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Seductive-Squaw.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Asian-Girl.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Play-Bunny.php
http://www.yandy.com/Striped-Skirt-and-Lace-Top-Set.php
http://www.yandy.com/Prrfection-Leopard-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Mistress-Pirate.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Kandy-Korn-Witch.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Panda-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Naughty-Pussycat-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Wolf-Costume.php
lol gingerbread girl
http://www.yandy.com/Gingerbread-Girl.php
HEY LOOK! its cheshire the cat,... only its blue for some odd reason.
http://www.yandy.com/Cheshire-Cat-Costume.php
and here is a different cheshire the cat
http://www.yandy.com/Clubbin-Kitty-Costume.php
another cheshire the cat... I would buy just the leggings if I could
http://www.yandy.com/Cheshire-Cat-Halloween-Costume.php
ANYWAYS!!
which ones do you like so I can order it in the morning:
just click it, and when you put your curser over the picture, you should be able to magnify it... to make it bigger.
Um.... I WANNA GO! http://www.ravelinks.com/forums/f100/nov26-basshunter-global-fridays-the-church-419919/
A Job
So I hope your not mad at me because I didnt go off and look for a job...
I want to know what your thinking... thats what I was thinking about last night...
'why' you were pushing me so hard to get a job... And all I could think was 'he wants me to have a job or he might think im a horrible gf' or something along those lines...
but I did fill out applications online.
Anyways, I made a new facebook for business, modeling use only. or like,... a place I cant post my depressing shit.
anyways, so my dad and cassie settled things.. but than cassie talked to this guy [i forgot what hes called, but pretty much if someone wants to fire someone, or if someone wants to talk about being fired, in an unfair way] anyways! she talked to him, lets call him carl... so she talked to carl about her boss wanting to fire her... carl said that her boss was telling him 'he wants to have a group meeting, and try to fix things' and that he told carl something different. so carl, cassie and her boss wanna have a meeting about this... but 'boss' will know that my dad was the one who told cassie that he wants to fire her.
so that means..... my dad could get in trouble since their boss doesnt like him either. in fact, their boss doesnt like my dad's little gang at all.
and so if my dad looses his job, he said it wouldnt be so hard to find another one, but he would want to move back to the springs...
=[
I dont wanna move, or leave you, or anything
I hope nothing bad happens
Anyways, I love you
I want to know what your thinking... thats what I was thinking about last night...
'why' you were pushing me so hard to get a job... And all I could think was 'he wants me to have a job or he might think im a horrible gf' or something along those lines...
but I did fill out applications online.
Anyways, I made a new facebook for business, modeling use only. or like,... a place I cant post my depressing shit.
anyways, so my dad and cassie settled things.. but than cassie talked to this guy [i forgot what hes called, but pretty much if someone wants to fire someone, or if someone wants to talk about being fired, in an unfair way] anyways! she talked to him, lets call him carl... so she talked to carl about her boss wanting to fire her... carl said that her boss was telling him 'he wants to have a group meeting, and try to fix things' and that he told carl something different. so carl, cassie and her boss wanna have a meeting about this... but 'boss' will know that my dad was the one who told cassie that he wants to fire her.
so that means..... my dad could get in trouble since their boss doesnt like him either. in fact, their boss doesnt like my dad's little gang at all.
and so if my dad looses his job, he said it wouldnt be so hard to find another one, but he would want to move back to the springs...
=[
I dont wanna move, or leave you, or anything
I hope nothing bad happens
Anyways, I love you
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Do You Remember?
Do you remember when we first met?
And do you remember when we went to Raves?
And how I was upset, and we went to wendy's?
I was kinda nervous being around you alone without the other guys there too....
I didnt exactly know what to say, as I always would be when meeting new people.
And remember how we used to try to get online at the same time so we could talk to each other?
And how we kept missing each other... you and your silly games I tell ya. lol.
Remember how we went to the zuni's park [or whatever its called]
and you'd sit there with me when I was bored...
I really just wanted to lay down, and I wanted you to lay with me.
And on the way home, I held your hand for the first time....
I wanted to hold your hand all the way home.
I wanted you to come over everyday so I could hear your voice and see your face...
Do you remember getting butterflies? Or that feeling you may get when you just want to say so much stuff, but you get too scared to say anything because you might mess up? or that feeling when you accidently touch my hand, or that feeling you get when you know we're about to see each other, or when we try to impress each other...
You wernt my type, but I found that I really liked you anyways...
And though you've done drugs, and didnt have a great past, I was really hoping that you may wanted to be with me,...
and maybe somewhere in you, you wanted to spend the rest of your life with one person, and not go from girl to girl...
So when we were on the bus, talking about kids...
I was surprised you said anything about even having a kid with someone.
And than I didnt want to rush things,....
so I didnt want to say certain things because I was afraid it might scare you away.
So whenever you say that we're gonna be with each other forever, or talk about getting married, or having kids [in a good convo] or moving in with each other, it kinda gives me butterflies...
I fell for you more and more, and I could just see how much you cared, and liked me...
I loved getting online and seeing all the stuff you post, and it made me smile, and just want to hold you whenever I saw stuff like that.
I do still wish I could see more of that.... because they really make me smile, and feel like you do still love me, and I like seeing stuff like that, because its like a guy bringing home his wife the most beautiful flowers... sometimes it takes a little more to keep the relationship romantic, and cute....
even if it is just online, and even if it is often.
Sometimes I look at your profile, or mine [modeling one] just to re-read the conversations we had before we even met.
Yea,..... I wasnt the nicest person ever xD
But I guess I kinda thought you were just some guy trying to start a convo with me so you could get in my pants.
And than you invited me out....
And so I thought that was pretty nice.
And now all I can think about is sticking together, holding on, and keeping us alive...
spending the rest of my life with you, making you smile, and doing special things for you..
having our own place, and painting the walls, and having a job, and having a home photography job, and having the store job...
and buying furniture... and organizing the place, having it a fun place, but creative...
And fixing our room, and putting away the past, and setting up a future, putting stuff up in the room that would resemble 'us'
And having friends over, and having beanbags everywhere =]
And video taping our friends get drunk
And of course, getting you a car before we even think of getting a place lol.
And than maybe move? unless you really wanna stay here...
and than maybe save for a house? or town house? or rent a house?
and maybe sometime before we're old and in our 30s [lol] maybe have a child?
or whatever you wanna do xD
I just want you in my life, next to me, holding me in bed...
till we grow old
And we could be the old couple trying to race each other into the store =]
Because I love you
And do you remember when we went to Raves?
And how I was upset, and we went to wendy's?
I was kinda nervous being around you alone without the other guys there too....
I didnt exactly know what to say, as I always would be when meeting new people.
And remember how we used to try to get online at the same time so we could talk to each other?
And how we kept missing each other... you and your silly games I tell ya. lol.
Remember how we went to the zuni's park [or whatever its called]
and you'd sit there with me when I was bored...
I really just wanted to lay down, and I wanted you to lay with me.
And on the way home, I held your hand for the first time....
I wanted to hold your hand all the way home.
I wanted you to come over everyday so I could hear your voice and see your face...
Do you remember getting butterflies? Or that feeling you may get when you just want to say so much stuff, but you get too scared to say anything because you might mess up? or that feeling when you accidently touch my hand, or that feeling you get when you know we're about to see each other, or when we try to impress each other...
You wernt my type, but I found that I really liked you anyways...
And though you've done drugs, and didnt have a great past, I was really hoping that you may wanted to be with me,...
and maybe somewhere in you, you wanted to spend the rest of your life with one person, and not go from girl to girl...
So when we were on the bus, talking about kids...
I was surprised you said anything about even having a kid with someone.
And than I didnt want to rush things,....
so I didnt want to say certain things because I was afraid it might scare you away.
So whenever you say that we're gonna be with each other forever, or talk about getting married, or having kids [in a good convo] or moving in with each other, it kinda gives me butterflies...
I fell for you more and more, and I could just see how much you cared, and liked me...
I loved getting online and seeing all the stuff you post, and it made me smile, and just want to hold you whenever I saw stuff like that.
I do still wish I could see more of that.... because they really make me smile, and feel like you do still love me, and I like seeing stuff like that, because its like a guy bringing home his wife the most beautiful flowers... sometimes it takes a little more to keep the relationship romantic, and cute....
even if it is just online, and even if it is often.
Sometimes I look at your profile, or mine [modeling one] just to re-read the conversations we had before we even met.
Yea,..... I wasnt the nicest person ever xD
But I guess I kinda thought you were just some guy trying to start a convo with me so you could get in my pants.
And than you invited me out....
And so I thought that was pretty nice.
And now all I can think about is sticking together, holding on, and keeping us alive...
spending the rest of my life with you, making you smile, and doing special things for you..
having our own place, and painting the walls, and having a job, and having a home photography job, and having the store job...
and buying furniture... and organizing the place, having it a fun place, but creative...
And fixing our room, and putting away the past, and setting up a future, putting stuff up in the room that would resemble 'us'
And having friends over, and having beanbags everywhere =]
And video taping our friends get drunk
And of course, getting you a car before we even think of getting a place lol.
And than maybe move? unless you really wanna stay here...
and than maybe save for a house? or town house? or rent a house?
and maybe sometime before we're old and in our 30s [lol] maybe have a child?
or whatever you wanna do xD
I just want you in my life, next to me, holding me in bed...
till we grow old
And we could be the old couple trying to race each other into the store =]
Because I love you
Monday, October 4, 2010
I woke up...
I woke up, and you wernt there...
I woke up, and looked at my phone...
5:55 it said...
You told me you'd text before you go to work...
I kinda thought you'd text me on the way to work...
So where is this text of yours? So I sent you one...
No response, so I sent another,...
It just didnt feel right, so yet again, I sent another, wondering why I didnt wake up to a text from you.
Texts in the morning make me feel that your next to me, saying 'good morning'
And when I wake up to nothing, I feel like your not there.
So I ended up calling you, and your phone says it was either turned off, because its lost, or your out of the area....
So I thought 'where could he be that he has no service? He cant be in the mountains, because he would have told me'
If he was on his break.... wouldnt he have gotten someone else's phone just to text me to say he is alright?
Or am I thinking too much of him?
I guess im just worried...
Am I acting 'too' worried?
I guess Im just sad that I have to go a day without talking to him, without knowing he is ok...
I miss him, and the way things used to be...
Im selfish, wanting so much attention from him, wanting him to give me all his attention...
But than again, he gets 'worried' when I made a new friend...
so I guess in a way we're on the same path...
And than I think even more....
Thinking that I did something wrong, and he decided to turn his phone off, or change his number...
And that out of nowhere he decided that he didnt want to be with me, because of the abortion conversation...
or maybe your upset at me, because of something else I said yesterday...
or something I did...
maybe my dream made you realize something.... that maybe you dont really want to be with me...
maybe your really mad about the modeling thing...
but than I think... 'he is not like other guys, he wouldnt do that to me... he loves me just as much as I love him'
And than I think that you just want your space...
but than I think... 'everyone else's phone doesnt have service there so he cant get ahold of me'
And than I think 'how is he going to get home? I wish to ask his mom where he was dropped off at'
but than I think Im worrying too much
And maybe you dont find that attractive when a girl worries too much...
I just want to keep calling you....
Im going crazy not knowing if your alright....
Is there something wrong with me?
Why do I think so much more than other people?
or do other people think as much as I do? Just dont show it?
Im still afraid that you'll want to leave me....
I still have nightmares...
And the one the other night,... I saw your face so clearly... it felt so real...
Im glad that I woke up before you could say the words....
but I hear them in my head...
And I could still see your face...
You looked sad, but you looked sure....
I hope I never have to hear those words.
I love you with all my heart.
I hope today goes well for you, and I hope your safe.
Im off to get that tutu....
I wish you could tell me the best way to get there,
your mom said its off of sheridan and 52nd...
I want to get it before anyone else does...
my dad gave me $100 for SCA stuff....
he wants to come with me later to get costumes there.... but im not gonna tell him I got the tutu
anyways, I love you babe.
and miss you so much
I woke up, and looked at my phone...
5:55 it said...
You told me you'd text before you go to work...
I kinda thought you'd text me on the way to work...
So where is this text of yours? So I sent you one...
No response, so I sent another,...
It just didnt feel right, so yet again, I sent another, wondering why I didnt wake up to a text from you.
Texts in the morning make me feel that your next to me, saying 'good morning'
And when I wake up to nothing, I feel like your not there.
So I ended up calling you, and your phone says it was either turned off, because its lost, or your out of the area....
So I thought 'where could he be that he has no service? He cant be in the mountains, because he would have told me'
If he was on his break.... wouldnt he have gotten someone else's phone just to text me to say he is alright?
Or am I thinking too much of him?
I guess im just worried...
Am I acting 'too' worried?
I guess Im just sad that I have to go a day without talking to him, without knowing he is ok...
I miss him, and the way things used to be...
Im selfish, wanting so much attention from him, wanting him to give me all his attention...
But than again, he gets 'worried' when I made a new friend...
so I guess in a way we're on the same path...
And than I think even more....
Thinking that I did something wrong, and he decided to turn his phone off, or change his number...
And that out of nowhere he decided that he didnt want to be with me, because of the abortion conversation...
or maybe your upset at me, because of something else I said yesterday...
or something I did...
maybe my dream made you realize something.... that maybe you dont really want to be with me...
maybe your really mad about the modeling thing...
but than I think... 'he is not like other guys, he wouldnt do that to me... he loves me just as much as I love him'
And than I think that you just want your space...
but than I think... 'everyone else's phone doesnt have service there so he cant get ahold of me'
And than I think 'how is he going to get home? I wish to ask his mom where he was dropped off at'
but than I think Im worrying too much
And maybe you dont find that attractive when a girl worries too much...
I just want to keep calling you....
Im going crazy not knowing if your alright....
Is there something wrong with me?
Why do I think so much more than other people?
or do other people think as much as I do? Just dont show it?
Im still afraid that you'll want to leave me....
I still have nightmares...
And the one the other night,... I saw your face so clearly... it felt so real...
Im glad that I woke up before you could say the words....
but I hear them in my head...
And I could still see your face...
You looked sad, but you looked sure....
I hope I never have to hear those words.
I love you with all my heart.
I hope today goes well for you, and I hope your safe.
Im off to get that tutu....
I wish you could tell me the best way to get there,
your mom said its off of sheridan and 52nd...
I want to get it before anyone else does...
my dad gave me $100 for SCA stuff....
he wants to come with me later to get costumes there.... but im not gonna tell him I got the tutu
anyways, I love you babe.
and miss you so much
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