I dont know what i've done except used my words in a bad way.... But what else have I done wrong?
Why are you doing this to me?
Is this like an experiment?
How many people does this experiment happen to?
I've asked for forgiveness so many times...
I've asked for things to get better for me AND for everyone else.
I've lived here and there, and nowhere.
How much longer are you going to push me?
When does it stop to prove that I can stand my ground?
I try and help people, but maybe thats not how its supposed to go.
Maybe Im supposed to go to someone for help...
But either way, those people push me away, or leave me on their own.... to be all alone.
Even if I do have someone to save me,... its not for life.
Everyone I get close to just fades away.
What else do you want from me?
What is it that you want me to do?
Are you TRYING to kill me?
Is this a sign to die?
Well,... what are you waiting for?
Or do you want me to go to hell? Are you waiting for me to do it myself?
Maybe I am a horrible person. I've hit, sure, I've yelled, threatened, bitched,....
I never made my mom happy while she was dying...
You saw my life from day one.
'This girl, born september 2nd, 1989..... she'll be an awful person when she is older'
Maybe my palm reader was right....
That I'll walk into an office one day, and Kill someone.
She was able to read my other stuff just perfectly right, and it wasnt all palm stuff....
She could read off of a necklace someone gave me, she never met him, yet she was able to tell me all about him.
I thought today,... that if I didnt have Jared or my Dad,... what type of person would I be?
What than would be holding me back?
I'd go insane by now.
I would do anything.....
But sometimes.......
I dont know what to do anymore.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Bleed bleed die die
Im sooo stressed out.... that its not even funny.
sometimes I just want to give up.... and just die....
I really do.
I just want to disappear, but but I dont want chip to get that satisfaction of winning....
One day I want things to go MY way..... What am I doing so wrong?!?!
Im grateful for having Jared, yes,.. but why is everything else pulling me down?
Its like Im being pulled under the water, and im so far down that Jared just cant reach me,.... but the fact that I can see the blurry figure of him is the only thing keeping me fighting...
I dont feel alone... I feel like my enemy is right here next to me,... I can feel him.. I can feel him pulling me down, but thats not the company that I want... That small blurry figure is the only comfort Im getting.....
I wish he was right here next to me all the time, but that is impossible with the way his mom is, and the way my dad is.
I dont feel like posting more on myspace
What do people call you?
Krystalle or Kiddo
Think of the last person you texted; who is it and are they important to you?
Derrick, and we are just friends sorta
Have you ever turned to drinking or smoking to solve a problem?
sometimes I feel like I should
Have you ever been kissed in a car?
what a stupid question
Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
both, lots, but yea
Does your phone ring in the middle of the night often?
yea, texts from Jared
Last piercing you got?
ear
Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?
yes
Do you like to cuddle?
Yea
What do you carry with you at all time?
my phone and ID
Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now?
um..... its SUPER old
Is there someone you wouldn't mind punching in the face right now?
o.O i'd punch him so hard if i could
Do you like your parents?
sure and its parent.. just wish he'd be more understanding especially when it comes to guys I like
Think of the last person you told "I love you" to, did you mean it?
ronnie? ya
Kissed anybody this year starting with D?
derrick donnie duaine damien [shhhh, only you and rich know that]
Reason of the last tear shed?
stressed out
Does anyone call you babe, bub or baby?
all the time
Ever had a guy bestfriend?
dur
Do you have any secrets?
mmm.... yea
If your parents read your texts right now would you be in trouble?
yea..... shit with chip
Is there someone that can always make you laugh?
damien for sure, and jared... if im with him in person =/
Who is the last person that called you?
damien
Was 2009 a good year for you?
parts
Do you hate the last girl/boy you had a conversation with?
no
Could you go a day without eating?
ya
Does it make you mad when people stare at you?
yes.... I hate it when people stare at me
Has anyone ever told you that you look older than you really are?
lol they say I look 16
Do you like your hair?
no
In three words, describe your night last night?
omg, the best! till I had to leave jared =[
How long is your hair?
not long enough
What song are you listening to right now?
not listening to any music
Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with an R or M?
ronnie and I dont think i've kissed an M
What are your plans for tonight?
going to bed early to go fishing tomorrow morning
What do you want most right now?
to be with him right now, and for the two to pay me, and NEVER TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN IN THEIR WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!!!
What was the last thing you ate?
part of a burrito from lastnight
Do you know anybody with the same birthday as you?
yea
Would you rather go back a week or go forward?
back a week
When do you want to die?
right.... now
When’s the next time you will kiss someone?
monday hopefully
Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s clothing?
dur
Is your phone right next to you, or at least close by?
mhm
Who’s house did you go to last?
jareds
Do any of your friends dislike each other?
dont care
Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
lol dur
Are you in a good mood?
not one bit at all!!!
Do you think ex’s can remain friends?
some
Were you single on your last birthday?
asked out
Are you starting to realize anything?
not to trust people, and some people are better off dead
Are you currently looking forward to anything?
meh getting my car, seeing ronnie and rich and D
When you listen to a new song, do you usually play it over and over?
only if I like it
How’s that going for you?
your retarded
Who’s the first person you spoke to in 2010?
bass?
Do you ever want to get married?
mhm
How was your Saturday night?
its not going so well
What color shirt are you wearing?
black and gray
Are you ticklish?
yea, but I kinda HATE being tickled
What’s on your bedroom floor right now?
a pillow and a towel, and the cat litter
If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
idk, cali or england or the Philippines or Ireland
Do you think people actually read these surveys?
yea
Who was the last person you were in a car with?
dad
What was the last thing you and your mom talked about?
I think it was how I'll be right back....
sigh,.... why.... why god, why?
sometimes I just want to give up.... and just die....
I really do.
I just want to disappear, but but I dont want chip to get that satisfaction of winning....
One day I want things to go MY way..... What am I doing so wrong?!?!
Im grateful for having Jared, yes,.. but why is everything else pulling me down?
Its like Im being pulled under the water, and im so far down that Jared just cant reach me,.... but the fact that I can see the blurry figure of him is the only thing keeping me fighting...
I dont feel alone... I feel like my enemy is right here next to me,... I can feel him.. I can feel him pulling me down, but thats not the company that I want... That small blurry figure is the only comfort Im getting.....
I wish he was right here next to me all the time, but that is impossible with the way his mom is, and the way my dad is.
I dont feel like posting more on myspace
What do people call you?
Krystalle or Kiddo
Think of the last person you texted; who is it and are they important to you?
Derrick, and we are just friends sorta
Have you ever turned to drinking or smoking to solve a problem?
sometimes I feel like I should
Have you ever been kissed in a car?
what a stupid question
Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
both, lots, but yea
Does your phone ring in the middle of the night often?
yea, texts from Jared
Last piercing you got?
ear
Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?
yes
Do you like to cuddle?
Yea
What do you carry with you at all time?
my phone and ID
Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now?
um..... its SUPER old
Is there someone you wouldn't mind punching in the face right now?
o.O i'd punch him so hard if i could
Do you like your parents?
sure and its parent.. just wish he'd be more understanding especially when it comes to guys I like
Think of the last person you told "I love you" to, did you mean it?
ronnie? ya
Kissed anybody this year starting with D?
derrick donnie duaine damien [shhhh, only you and rich know that]
Reason of the last tear shed?
stressed out
Does anyone call you babe, bub or baby?
all the time
Ever had a guy bestfriend?
dur
Do you have any secrets?
mmm.... yea
If your parents read your texts right now would you be in trouble?
yea..... shit with chip
Is there someone that can always make you laugh?
damien for sure, and jared... if im with him in person =/
Who is the last person that called you?
damien
Was 2009 a good year for you?
parts
Do you hate the last girl/boy you had a conversation with?
no
Could you go a day without eating?
ya
Does it make you mad when people stare at you?
yes.... I hate it when people stare at me
Has anyone ever told you that you look older than you really are?
lol they say I look 16
Do you like your hair?
no
In three words, describe your night last night?
omg, the best! till I had to leave jared =[
How long is your hair?
not long enough
What song are you listening to right now?
not listening to any music
Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with an R or M?
ronnie and I dont think i've kissed an M
What are your plans for tonight?
going to bed early to go fishing tomorrow morning
What do you want most right now?
to be with him right now, and for the two to pay me, and NEVER TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN IN THEIR WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!!!
What was the last thing you ate?
part of a burrito from lastnight
Do you know anybody with the same birthday as you?
yea
Would you rather go back a week or go forward?
back a week
When do you want to die?
right.... now
When’s the next time you will kiss someone?
monday hopefully
Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s clothing?
dur
Is your phone right next to you, or at least close by?
mhm
Who’s house did you go to last?
jareds
Do any of your friends dislike each other?
dont care
Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
lol dur
Are you in a good mood?
not one bit at all!!!
Do you think ex’s can remain friends?
some
Were you single on your last birthday?
asked out
Are you starting to realize anything?
not to trust people, and some people are better off dead
Are you currently looking forward to anything?
meh getting my car, seeing ronnie and rich and D
When you listen to a new song, do you usually play it over and over?
only if I like it
How’s that going for you?
your retarded
Who’s the first person you spoke to in 2010?
bass?
Do you ever want to get married?
mhm
How was your Saturday night?
its not going so well
What color shirt are you wearing?
black and gray
Are you ticklish?
yea, but I kinda HATE being tickled
What’s on your bedroom floor right now?
a pillow and a towel, and the cat litter
If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
idk, cali or england or the Philippines or Ireland
Do you think people actually read these surveys?
yea
Who was the last person you were in a car with?
dad
What was the last thing you and your mom talked about?
I think it was how I'll be right back....
sigh,.... why.... why god, why?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Its Only A Dream
Its usually when Im really hot that I get weird dreams, or nightmares....
Maybe thats why I keep getting bad dreams when Im sleeping in your bed, or when your holding me, and it gets hot after a while..... and I usually get the weirdest dreams when Im sick, and have a slight fever... I finally understand lol...
Lastnight I was sooo cold, that nothing was keeping me warm, not my blanket, not your sweater, not my scarf... Yes, I went to bed in the sweater and scarf cause I was so friggen cold.....
But this morning I woke up sweating, either from the nightmare, or from the scarf and sweater... Or maybe both....
But the dream felt so real, I didnt know what to do.
I was trying to follow you, trying to keep up, but you were walking too fast, and I wasnt used to walking on snow, melted snow, and ice... and all I could really see was the whiteness beneath me, and every once in a while, a quick glance at your face.
I could feel the pain in my heart as you were trying to explain to me that you had to leave the state in a few months, and for some odd reason, Jennifer kept coming into the conversation...
I was trying to stay right behind you but I kept slipping slightly, trying to keep my balance.....
You were trying to explain that you were just looking for a girl to mess around with till you left the state...
You were like,.... going to work for the government, you know, when they occasionally use the bad guys for their skills and knowledge... [not that you are one, but you know what I mean]
You were telling me that we were never meant to be, but you fell for me, but it wasnt going to work out, that yes, you were just using me.... and I dont know why Jennifer's name kept coming up....
and all I remember is falling in the snow and you turned around, kissed my forhead, and walked away, and I never saw you again.....
I remember waking up and taking the scarf and hoodie off, which made me feel like I was actually walking outside in the snow with a scarf on, but I knew it was just a dream.... I hope.
and than when I actually woke up woke up, my friend D called me :]
and now your texting me, so I know your still here... for now ='(
Maybe thats why I keep getting bad dreams when Im sleeping in your bed, or when your holding me, and it gets hot after a while..... and I usually get the weirdest dreams when Im sick, and have a slight fever... I finally understand lol...
Lastnight I was sooo cold, that nothing was keeping me warm, not my blanket, not your sweater, not my scarf... Yes, I went to bed in the sweater and scarf cause I was so friggen cold.....
But this morning I woke up sweating, either from the nightmare, or from the scarf and sweater... Or maybe both....
But the dream felt so real, I didnt know what to do.
I was trying to follow you, trying to keep up, but you were walking too fast, and I wasnt used to walking on snow, melted snow, and ice... and all I could really see was the whiteness beneath me, and every once in a while, a quick glance at your face.
I could feel the pain in my heart as you were trying to explain to me that you had to leave the state in a few months, and for some odd reason, Jennifer kept coming into the conversation...
I was trying to stay right behind you but I kept slipping slightly, trying to keep my balance.....
You were trying to explain that you were just looking for a girl to mess around with till you left the state...
You were like,.... going to work for the government, you know, when they occasionally use the bad guys for their skills and knowledge... [not that you are one, but you know what I mean]
You were telling me that we were never meant to be, but you fell for me, but it wasnt going to work out, that yes, you were just using me.... and I dont know why Jennifer's name kept coming up....
and all I remember is falling in the snow and you turned around, kissed my forhead, and walked away, and I never saw you again.....
I remember waking up and taking the scarf and hoodie off, which made me feel like I was actually walking outside in the snow with a scarf on, but I knew it was just a dream.... I hope.
and than when I actually woke up woke up, my friend D called me :]
and now your texting me, so I know your still here... for now ='(
Monday, May 24, 2010
To Die
I was looking at xanga.com looking for quotes.... [no I have not posted there yet]
and there were all these pictures in a meadow....
And I just thought to myself, 'It'd be nice to be in California right now, just relaxing on the grass, or in a field with a blanket underneath.... and just lay there listening to the birds,.... and waste a day away just sleeping. And you could too... if you found the right place. Just lay there, with no one to bother you, no boundaries... Just a very soft breeze, the warm sun... watching the grass hoppers jump around, and the lady bugs crawling around, and every once in a while, perhaps a butterfly would fly by you....
I'd lay there watching the tiny blue ones on the flowers all around....'
But instead I have to deal with real life right now... I have to deal with stupid bitches, and people who make lives worse.... Than I have to live with a secret for a while.... parents these days never understand,.... no matter how old you are.
How do you know who to trust? They can say things, they can do things, they can 'prove' things.... People with a perfect past, people with a horrible past... ones with a happy heart,... people with a broken one... how do you know who to trust?
words are just words, and actions can still be deceiving... I mean one of my ex's sold his pets to make me think that he was actually going to move in, when the whole time he was cheating on me....
Someone can express their full emotions for you, and have you move in.... yet it was all just a lie from the start....
People can give you hugs everyday, and say how your a great friend after they move in, yet they 'never liked you in the first place'
You'd think that someone with a happy heart is a happy and caring person....
but you'd also think someone with a broken heart knows how it feels, and wouldnt do it to someone...
so which one would you choose?
You'd think someone with a perfect past, is someone who wants to treat someone perfectly...
or would you think someone with a horrible past, wouldnt want that life for someone else....
Who would you choose to trust?
When your own family disowns you....
than how do you know there is a single soul out there that you can trust?
A boy can talk about getting married to you....
And a boy can beg on his knees, crying, asking you not to leave....
who do you trust?
There is no way to prove to someone that you can trust them, there is no words that can tell me otherwise, there are no tears, no wounds, no nothing that can convince me to trust a single soul ever again.....
And Im sorry.
But the fact that I still have a little trust in you is saying that im either a foolish girl, or I really like you....
or both.
But know that I want to see you all the time, and wake up by your side,....
Just know I want you to be around to save me, and protect me. It's been a while since I felt safe... I know how to protect myself, and when I do, this is how I get... I dont let any emotions in, and I dont let other people in.... I just sit there and block everything out of my mind....
But if you could protect me, I wouldnt fall into that state again.
I may not trust you 100% but at least I could say that I could have someone to love, and that I have someone who cares for me in my own mind.
One day,..... I hope god could slow down the time when we are with each other.... make it feel like a life time, and I hope that he can prevent the bad things from happening when I get home.
I hope I can see you tomorrow Jared.... I really do. Its one thing to loose your friends, its another to no trust them at all.... and its a whole different story to be afraid of what they would do to you.
You know.... In Turlock, you can shoot off your own fireworks... and I guess you can too.. here in Denver...
but my grandma wants me to go to turlock for 4th of july... i mean, its kinda a family tradition.... and its also her birthday haha....
and I want to see rich and ronnie.... sucks that D isnt there anymore...
but than my dad wanted to go to war,... an SCA war... and I so would want Jared to come since I think its up here.... I want my friends to go to an SCA event... they are cool when its wars....
but im sure he'd be spending time with his family.....
but if we go to war, idk if we get to shoot off fireworks cause it'd be in the moutains,....
and I dont think Jared is really allowed to go into the mountains for the weekend well, its more like a 5 day thing, but idk how long my dad is going.....
but fireworks, or war....
war is only like... idk, I've only gone to war twice, and the first time was AMAZING!!! it was like this:
I was at that EXACT event in 2008 with my dad and Derrick
idk what style this is, I havnt seen it before where you fight one right after they die but whatever.... see, cool :]
This is not LARP (Live Action Role Play)
SCA is recreation of historical medieval warfare. There is no wizards, or fantasy world. It's a huge camping event where we beat the fuck out of each other until we can't take it anymore purely for entertainment of medieval warfare reinactment.
if you come over tomorrow, I'll show you the helms my dad just got.
but my dad does a japanese persona in the same era if you know what I mean, so his fighting is a little different and his armor is TOTALLY different...
I totally almost started crying when posting this blog somewhere in the middle of it
I miss you
and there were all these pictures in a meadow....
And I just thought to myself, 'It'd be nice to be in California right now, just relaxing on the grass, or in a field with a blanket underneath.... and just lay there listening to the birds,.... and waste a day away just sleeping. And you could too... if you found the right place. Just lay there, with no one to bother you, no boundaries... Just a very soft breeze, the warm sun... watching the grass hoppers jump around, and the lady bugs crawling around, and every once in a while, perhaps a butterfly would fly by you....
I'd lay there watching the tiny blue ones on the flowers all around....'
But instead I have to deal with real life right now... I have to deal with stupid bitches, and people who make lives worse.... Than I have to live with a secret for a while.... parents these days never understand,.... no matter how old you are.
How do you know who to trust? They can say things, they can do things, they can 'prove' things.... People with a perfect past, people with a horrible past... ones with a happy heart,... people with a broken one... how do you know who to trust?
words are just words, and actions can still be deceiving... I mean one of my ex's sold his pets to make me think that he was actually going to move in, when the whole time he was cheating on me....
Someone can express their full emotions for you, and have you move in.... yet it was all just a lie from the start....
People can give you hugs everyday, and say how your a great friend after they move in, yet they 'never liked you in the first place'
You'd think that someone with a happy heart is a happy and caring person....
but you'd also think someone with a broken heart knows how it feels, and wouldnt do it to someone...
so which one would you choose?
You'd think someone with a perfect past, is someone who wants to treat someone perfectly...
or would you think someone with a horrible past, wouldnt want that life for someone else....
Who would you choose to trust?
When your own family disowns you....
than how do you know there is a single soul out there that you can trust?
A boy can talk about getting married to you....
And a boy can beg on his knees, crying, asking you not to leave....
who do you trust?
There is no way to prove to someone that you can trust them, there is no words that can tell me otherwise, there are no tears, no wounds, no nothing that can convince me to trust a single soul ever again.....
And Im sorry.
But the fact that I still have a little trust in you is saying that im either a foolish girl, or I really like you....
or both.
But know that I want to see you all the time, and wake up by your side,....
Just know I want you to be around to save me, and protect me. It's been a while since I felt safe... I know how to protect myself, and when I do, this is how I get... I dont let any emotions in, and I dont let other people in.... I just sit there and block everything out of my mind....
But if you could protect me, I wouldnt fall into that state again.
I may not trust you 100% but at least I could say that I could have someone to love, and that I have someone who cares for me in my own mind.
One day,..... I hope god could slow down the time when we are with each other.... make it feel like a life time, and I hope that he can prevent the bad things from happening when I get home.
I hope I can see you tomorrow Jared.... I really do. Its one thing to loose your friends, its another to no trust them at all.... and its a whole different story to be afraid of what they would do to you.
You know.... In Turlock, you can shoot off your own fireworks... and I guess you can too.. here in Denver...
but my grandma wants me to go to turlock for 4th of july... i mean, its kinda a family tradition.... and its also her birthday haha....
and I want to see rich and ronnie.... sucks that D isnt there anymore...
but than my dad wanted to go to war,... an SCA war... and I so would want Jared to come since I think its up here.... I want my friends to go to an SCA event... they are cool when its wars....
but im sure he'd be spending time with his family.....
but if we go to war, idk if we get to shoot off fireworks cause it'd be in the moutains,....
and I dont think Jared is really allowed to go into the mountains for the weekend well, its more like a 5 day thing, but idk how long my dad is going.....
but fireworks, or war....
war is only like... idk, I've only gone to war twice, and the first time was AMAZING!!! it was like this:
I was at that EXACT event in 2008 with my dad and Derrick
idk what style this is, I havnt seen it before where you fight one right after they die but whatever.... see, cool :]
This is not LARP (Live Action Role Play)
SCA is recreation of historical medieval warfare. There is no wizards, or fantasy world. It's a huge camping event where we beat the fuck out of each other until we can't take it anymore purely for entertainment of medieval warfare reinactment.
if you come over tomorrow, I'll show you the helms my dad just got.
but my dad does a japanese persona in the same era if you know what I mean, so his fighting is a little different and his armor is TOTALLY different...
I totally almost started crying when posting this blog somewhere in the middle of it
I miss you
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
What a pretty day
OH!!! to get the full size of the pictures, or to tell which has distant blurry background [the only two of me, with the same pics] click the picture for the full size
What a pretty day after a storm... [small storm at that]
I was going to post 'hear me now' by framing hanley but I didnt like the music video...
but I LOVE this music video...omg, I was so addicted to singing it, and watching it over and over and over lol
anyways, yea, so its pretty outside, but I look like shit so im not gonna go take pictures
its been lonely in my house lately, even with the boys here... Im missing something, and idk what. or maybe its the stress of trying to get everything done... or maybe its the messy room.... when my room is messy, that means im lazy,... if im lazy, it means something is wrong....
I just feel like I never have enough time for anything. I need to make the time.
anyways, I was supposed to work out today.... I need to... but I need to finish everything else! arg
Im so hating my body, like no joke.... I feel sooooo fat and its pissing me off. I need to work out, or go for a walk everyday for like, 3 hours....
but when the boys leave, i'll go back to doing sit ups everyday, and working out in the house, cause seriously, the only thing at the small gym at the office is a running thing... and I fucking hate running with like, my life
I cant wait till I get my shop up... and once I find out that it starts going well, than ima get more tattoos.....
Im sorta thinking of giving up on modeling.... I've been feeling HELLA ugly lately, and only I can bring myself out of the insecurity... I dont care if like 1000 people tell me Im sexy, or want to have sex with me, or whatever... I'll still feel pretty fucking ugly.
I really want to get a new camera.... I REALLY wanna take/make videos... like a music video.... or something way cool.....
I sorta hope I get to show Jared a few hours of the video I took in turlock, but they are just home made videos... nothing special, except the beginning and the end.....
I was watching some music videos... omg, I wish I could be in a music video, that'd be like super fun.
[not posting on myspace]
Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
hahaaaa.... nooooo
What woke you up this morning?
a text from Jesse
Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
um.... honestly.... idk.... my dad? or ronnie? a long time ago
Did you have an exciting plans coming up?
seeing Jared tomorrow, paying for my class tonight, yes, this should be exciting, um... drivers test on the 1st... I hope I pass and dont do something stupid.... oh, and good ol dentist on friday o.o
What do you spend most of your money on?
bus.......
Has anyone seen you in your underwear this past month?
I dont think so
Ever been called babe?
:]
Does seeing couples in love make you mad?
nope, but i hate seeing people make out a whole heck of a lot
Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
very much so!!
What was on your mind mostly today?
Jared, and yea, editing pictures
Where are you right now?
in my bed
Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
yea
If your ex said they hated you, what would you say?
fine, whatever....
Is it hard to make you laugh?
depends who you are
So, your name is?
Bat Girl :]
Has anyone touched/ smacked/ squeezed your ass in the past week?
lol xD yes
In the next 48 hours will you kiss anyone?
:]
Has anyone told you they don't want to ever lose you?
=/ once upon a time
Have any interesting conversations lately?
current status with Jesse lol
Do you have good vision?
mhm
If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?
not unless your Jared
Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend / girlfriend every week?
no o.O
Meet any new people this year?
yup ^-^
Do you have a facial expression you seem to pull a lot? What is it?
the 'uh.... er..... ' and the 'wtf are you talking about' and the 'omfg!!! im going to fucking KILL YOU YOU FUCKING ASS!!' :]
Do you prefer things (Movies, books, etc) that scare you or make you laugh?
depends on my mood... mostly scare, but horror movies suck these days
Have you ever rubbed your eyes so much you couldn't see for a while?
idk
Do you like people more or less when they have similar tastes to you? Why?
similar.... and cause.... its a little more fun like that? no offense.... but USUALLY when your hanging out with someone and have nothing in common, it gets a little boring
Were you born with naturally straight teeth?
I was born with no teeth
Do you quote movies often? Any ones in particular?
not really.... I will with a few, but otherwise it gets kinda lame after a while
If you had to make a superhero secret base somewhere, where would it go?
fox grove :]
Do you prefer original or sour Skittles?
neither. but original
What about chocolate or peanut M&M's?
I hate peanuts in my food... sorry i dont like nuts in my mouth
Do you check to make sure your ear phones are going in the right ear?
no, cause I actually do it the opposite, or it kinda hurts, and i'll just put it in, and if I dont like the feeling, i'll switch it
What pattern was on the last pair of socks you wore?
they were jus black
Would you rather have a big house or a big garden?
o.o big garden if I had someone to take care of it....... or big house if I had cool awesome friends living there,... who were CLEAN!!!! and clean their shit, including their rooms
Does any part of you itch right now?
yes
What time is it right now?
12:44 pm
What colour are your eyes? Do you like them?
brown, or hazel, and no I dont!
Do you ever wear shoes even though they hurt your feet?
mhm. what girl doesnt?
Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
derrick
What were you doing at 12 o'clock last night?
probably sleeping
Was the last person you texted under 18?
22
Would you be shocked if the last person you kissed texted you right now?
mmm... yes and no? he is skating to the store
Pretending to "never get the text" from someone who annoys you. Is that you?
mmm... no
I laugh at my own funny text before I send it, do you?
lol yes
Do you see someone your best friend hates and say, "There's your best friend!"
no.... but my dad does stuff like that
Last awkward moment?
er......
Do any of your friends dislike each other?
hahaaaaa like, all of turlock
Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
im pretty sure of it
do I think anybody has STRONG feelings?
for me? or in general?
How do you know?
idk, he tells me all the time that he cares
You're single, right?
no
Do you prefer being called your actual name or a nick name.
i'd like to have an actual nick name that doesnt sound like a fricken super hero's name
Do you miss anyone?
yesh
Do you get distracted easily?
o.o yeesss
Did you have a good childhood?
till I was like 12 yes
What bothers you more, when people lie or when people complain?
complain,.... but lie too but you have to find out the lie first before it bothers you, and people who complain usually do it 247
Is there someone you want to fix things with?
yes
What did you do yesterday?
nothing but work on lots of shit =[
Do you ever think about stuff and start crying?
yea
Who knows your biggest secrets?
me, myself, and I
Are you wasting your time on someone?
I hope not
Are you a morning person or a night person?
both
Are all guys players and cheaters?
most.
What color shirt were you wearing during your last kiss?
er............ um..... oh my purple thingy
Do you wish someone would turn up at your front door right now?
yes.
What's most important in a relationship: honesty or trust?
well.... they are both kinda the same
Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?
why would i hold someones hand that i didnt care about in some way? yes, he means a lot
Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
idk, my bff jill?
j/k
my dad
ok, I might post that later actually.
guess what? chip has a man date right now xD
j/k
idk what else to post.... my mind is going on a blank
btw, some pictures look the same,.... but the background is blurred out, so you might not be able to see the difference unless you look at them side by side
my dad totally just got a package, and it was all messed up and weird shaped, and I was totally hoping it was my stuff from bass =[
this reminded me of turlock
What a pretty day after a storm... [small storm at that]
I was going to post 'hear me now' by framing hanley but I didnt like the music video...
but I LOVE this music video...omg, I was so addicted to singing it, and watching it over and over and over lol
anyways, yea, so its pretty outside, but I look like shit so im not gonna go take pictures
its been lonely in my house lately, even with the boys here... Im missing something, and idk what. or maybe its the stress of trying to get everything done... or maybe its the messy room.... when my room is messy, that means im lazy,... if im lazy, it means something is wrong....
I just feel like I never have enough time for anything. I need to make the time.
anyways, I was supposed to work out today.... I need to... but I need to finish everything else! arg
Im so hating my body, like no joke.... I feel sooooo fat and its pissing me off. I need to work out, or go for a walk everyday for like, 3 hours....
but when the boys leave, i'll go back to doing sit ups everyday, and working out in the house, cause seriously, the only thing at the small gym at the office is a running thing... and I fucking hate running with like, my life
I cant wait till I get my shop up... and once I find out that it starts going well, than ima get more tattoos.....
Im sorta thinking of giving up on modeling.... I've been feeling HELLA ugly lately, and only I can bring myself out of the insecurity... I dont care if like 1000 people tell me Im sexy, or want to have sex with me, or whatever... I'll still feel pretty fucking ugly.
I really want to get a new camera.... I REALLY wanna take/make videos... like a music video.... or something way cool.....
I sorta hope I get to show Jared a few hours of the video I took in turlock, but they are just home made videos... nothing special, except the beginning and the end.....
I was watching some music videos... omg, I wish I could be in a music video, that'd be like super fun.
[not posting on myspace]
Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
hahaaaa.... nooooo
What woke you up this morning?
a text from Jesse
Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
um.... honestly.... idk.... my dad? or ronnie? a long time ago
Did you have an exciting plans coming up?
seeing Jared tomorrow, paying for my class tonight, yes, this should be exciting, um... drivers test on the 1st... I hope I pass and dont do something stupid.... oh, and good ol dentist on friday o.o
What do you spend most of your money on?
bus.......
Has anyone seen you in your underwear this past month?
I dont think so
Ever been called babe?
:]
Does seeing couples in love make you mad?
nope, but i hate seeing people make out a whole heck of a lot
Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
very much so!!
What was on your mind mostly today?
Jared, and yea, editing pictures
Where are you right now?
in my bed
Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
yea
If your ex said they hated you, what would you say?
fine, whatever....
Is it hard to make you laugh?
depends who you are
So, your name is?
Bat Girl :]
Has anyone touched/ smacked/ squeezed your ass in the past week?
lol xD yes
In the next 48 hours will you kiss anyone?
:]
Has anyone told you they don't want to ever lose you?
=/ once upon a time
Have any interesting conversations lately?
current status with Jesse lol
Do you have good vision?
mhm
If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?
not unless your Jared
Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend / girlfriend every week?
no o.O
Meet any new people this year?
yup ^-^
Do you have a facial expression you seem to pull a lot? What is it?
the 'uh.... er..... ' and the 'wtf are you talking about' and the 'omfg!!! im going to fucking KILL YOU YOU FUCKING ASS!!' :]
Do you prefer things (Movies, books, etc) that scare you or make you laugh?
depends on my mood... mostly scare, but horror movies suck these days
Have you ever rubbed your eyes so much you couldn't see for a while?
idk
Do you like people more or less when they have similar tastes to you? Why?
similar.... and cause.... its a little more fun like that? no offense.... but USUALLY when your hanging out with someone and have nothing in common, it gets a little boring
Were you born with naturally straight teeth?
I was born with no teeth
Do you quote movies often? Any ones in particular?
not really.... I will with a few, but otherwise it gets kinda lame after a while
If you had to make a superhero secret base somewhere, where would it go?
fox grove :]
Do you prefer original or sour Skittles?
neither. but original
What about chocolate or peanut M&M's?
I hate peanuts in my food... sorry i dont like nuts in my mouth
Do you check to make sure your ear phones are going in the right ear?
no, cause I actually do it the opposite, or it kinda hurts, and i'll just put it in, and if I dont like the feeling, i'll switch it
What pattern was on the last pair of socks you wore?
they were jus black
Would you rather have a big house or a big garden?
o.o big garden if I had someone to take care of it....... or big house if I had cool awesome friends living there,... who were CLEAN!!!! and clean their shit, including their rooms
Does any part of you itch right now?
yes
What time is it right now?
12:44 pm
What colour are your eyes? Do you like them?
brown, or hazel, and no I dont!
Do you ever wear shoes even though they hurt your feet?
mhm. what girl doesnt?
Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
derrick
What were you doing at 12 o'clock last night?
probably sleeping
Was the last person you texted under 18?
22
Would you be shocked if the last person you kissed texted you right now?
mmm... yes and no? he is skating to the store
Pretending to "never get the text" from someone who annoys you. Is that you?
mmm... no
I laugh at my own funny text before I send it, do you?
lol yes
Do you see someone your best friend hates and say, "There's your best friend!"
no.... but my dad does stuff like that
Last awkward moment?
er......
Do any of your friends dislike each other?
hahaaaaa like, all of turlock
Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
im pretty sure of it
do I think anybody has STRONG feelings?
for me? or in general?
How do you know?
idk, he tells me all the time that he cares
You're single, right?
no
Do you prefer being called your actual name or a nick name.
i'd like to have an actual nick name that doesnt sound like a fricken super hero's name
Do you miss anyone?
yesh
Do you get distracted easily?
o.o yeesss
Did you have a good childhood?
till I was like 12 yes
What bothers you more, when people lie or when people complain?
complain,.... but lie too but you have to find out the lie first before it bothers you, and people who complain usually do it 247
Is there someone you want to fix things with?
yes
What did you do yesterday?
nothing but work on lots of shit =[
Do you ever think about stuff and start crying?
yea
Who knows your biggest secrets?
me, myself, and I
Are you wasting your time on someone?
I hope not
Are you a morning person or a night person?
both
Are all guys players and cheaters?
most.
What color shirt were you wearing during your last kiss?
er............ um..... oh my purple thingy
Do you wish someone would turn up at your front door right now?
yes.
What's most important in a relationship: honesty or trust?
well.... they are both kinda the same
Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?
why would i hold someones hand that i didnt care about in some way? yes, he means a lot
Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
idk, my bff jill?
j/k
my dad
ok, I might post that later actually.
guess what? chip has a man date right now xD
j/k
idk what else to post.... my mind is going on a blank
btw, some pictures look the same,.... but the background is blurred out, so you might not be able to see the difference unless you look at them side by side
my dad totally just got a package, and it was all messed up and weird shaped, and I was totally hoping it was my stuff from bass =[
this reminded me of turlock
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Flash Flash
I lay here watching the lighting and listening to the thunder, staring at myself in the mirror, thinking how fat I look....
I think i'll go for a run tomorrow or something
anyways, updates, blogs, xanga, such and such....
I'll finish the picture tomorrow but since I've had the computer all day, I might give it off soon, but i'll text....
but yea.... xanga....
oh, the flower is blooming
yay.
i'll have a good post on this thing tomorrow for you when I have lots of time.....
hopefully lots of time....
I miss my jay babe.... very much
I cant wait till thursday
I feel bad because i was kinda bitchy today
I think i'll go for a run tomorrow or something
anyways, updates, blogs, xanga, such and such....
I'll finish the picture tomorrow but since I've had the computer all day, I might give it off soon, but i'll text....
but yea.... xanga....
oh, the flower is blooming
yay.
i'll have a good post on this thing tomorrow for you when I have lots of time.....
hopefully lots of time....
I miss my jay babe.... very much
I cant wait till thursday
I feel bad because i was kinda bitchy today
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Chicken
For say someone was hurting you.... I would say something, even just a little something, instead of sitting back and watching it happen. I mean.... seriously? Not a 'hey, your hurting her' or nothing.... Hm. whatever than.... whatever floats your boat....
or just go and say 'I'll wait...' whatever...
I noticed that that lately I have been trying to take control, well not really, I just not have let anyone control me... Which that usually means something bad....
But I mean, I believe that every once in a while the girls need to have full control,... ever seen a girl with guys shaking their ass's for her? I mean, how many music videos do you see where the guys do everything for the girl? [No, NOT memorized by the girl where they are all up in her grill]
I mean,... when does a girl get to sit down, and say 'hey, get me a beer'
Well.... usually, Im controlled... and thats perfectly fine with me, I like it that way actually, its kinda fun, but when Im the one making the decisions, that means something way wrong... that means Im pissed off to the max, where everything goes absolutely my way, or no way...
ok, ok... so its not usually me being controlled, its half and half,... well, more like I have 40% of the control, and someone else has 60% control over me.
So yea, there is something wrong with me and idk how to get myself out of this situation....
Why is everything so negative now... and I cant find a reason to stay happy.... or to be happy in general....
Im hoping that tomorrow will relax me, or at least make me happy, or where I can get everything settled
I am not happy with my life at all right now....
And I dont feel like going back to where I was in my life....
at least today is pretty outside
or just go and say 'I'll wait...' whatever...
I noticed that that lately I have been trying to take control, well not really, I just not have let anyone control me... Which that usually means something bad....
But I mean, I believe that every once in a while the girls need to have full control,... ever seen a girl with guys shaking their ass's for her? I mean, how many music videos do you see where the guys do everything for the girl? [No, NOT memorized by the girl where they are all up in her grill]
I mean,... when does a girl get to sit down, and say 'hey, get me a beer'
Well.... usually, Im controlled... and thats perfectly fine with me, I like it that way actually, its kinda fun, but when Im the one making the decisions, that means something way wrong... that means Im pissed off to the max, where everything goes absolutely my way, or no way...
ok, ok... so its not usually me being controlled, its half and half,... well, more like I have 40% of the control, and someone else has 60% control over me.
So yea, there is something wrong with me and idk how to get myself out of this situation....
Why is everything so negative now... and I cant find a reason to stay happy.... or to be happy in general....
Im hoping that tomorrow will relax me, or at least make me happy, or where I can get everything settled
I am not happy with my life at all right now....
And I dont feel like going back to where I was in my life....
at least today is pretty outside
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Honestly
To be 100% honest! I dont want to go to a fucking club with you.... to be honest.... right now, I dont want to meet your friends, to be honest..... Im tired of spending money!!!
To be honest...... 100% honest....
all I fucking want to do is fucking go to your house, and sleep over.... I want to watch stupid little movies on your laptop.... look at business shit with you, and.... just chill....
I am so fucking stressed out about this thing, stressed about andrew and chip, stressed about this college shit....
like honestly, I fucking feel like crying right now.... Im so stressed, and so upset about everything, that Im even stressed when im around you, and I hate that. I dont want to be rushed.... I dont want to feel like I have to be somewhere at a certain time, I dont want to pay for gas money for klaa. Im done... Im tired, im sick, and im tired of doing so much shit for everyone.
I want to go home.... but I am home....
all the time im holding in my tears.....
To be honest...... 100% honest....
all I fucking want to do is fucking go to your house, and sleep over.... I want to watch stupid little movies on your laptop.... look at business shit with you, and.... just chill....
I am so fucking stressed out about this thing, stressed about andrew and chip, stressed about this college shit....
like honestly, I fucking feel like crying right now.... Im so stressed, and so upset about everything, that Im even stressed when im around you, and I hate that. I dont want to be rushed.... I dont want to feel like I have to be somewhere at a certain time, I dont want to pay for gas money for klaa. Im done... Im tired, im sick, and im tired of doing so much shit for everyone.
I want to go home.... but I am home....
all the time im holding in my tears.....
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Fat
I think im getting fat o.o
and its rather annoying.
Sometimes I wish I was pretty enough for photographers to come to me..... or I wish I could like, finally have my big break, which i'll never get....
Lastnight Jared said I was the hottest girl hes ever dated..... ok.... hes dated two people... woow... makes me feel so.... =/ not hot.
Yesterday I was looking though someone's work http://cameradude.deviantart.com/ and wow,.... I love it. very captive....
Lately I've been sick, which has been making me feel ugly looking... and I know this is a rather annoying topic, and every girl feels this way, but really... I've been too lazy & busy to go work out, and my face looks like shit. I look like I've aged! >.>
I mean, I look uglier than those hot druggies! Now thats horrible!
-sigh- so this photoshoot today got canceled.... but another photographer said he would shoot, but now the model is mixing times up, ah, this whole thing is getting complicated....
To be honestly, I just want to shoot with Jared....
On the more simple lines of modeling.... and not goth. Like I do, but that'll come later :]
I wish I could see my babe today, but than again, I wish I could see him everyday... I wish I could just sleep over at his house for a few days in a row, and focus on getting a shop.... But I dont really know what is expensive, what is too cheap, what is fake, and what is real.... I dont know where the good part of town is, and the horrible... a house, and a store, a house that we can turn into a store, and a house that we cant.... I need to know EXACTLY what business license I need for selling clothes, jewelry, tickets, glow toys, music, I also need to know what business license I need for selling food and drinks.... I than need to know what I'll be selling, and ALL the places that i'll be buying from,... I also than need to know what will be going in the cafe,.... I also than need to find a place to buy all my racks and hangers,.... than I need to know about hiring people, and giving health insurance and benefits... I also want to have this store online as well....
It seems so easy with all the mexicans and their little cheap clothing stores.... and those koreiens with their donut shops.... and there are so many of them.... its got to be easy right? and all those chinese people selling their stuff in the mall....
of course I need to do this all on my own, and my dad is willing to help, but I have to make the first big step alone... so says he... but the first big step is like, taller than I am. If someone could just give me a ladder, than I'd be perfectly fine... but no one has given me a ladder.... just a step stool....
I just feel like picking up the phone, and calling SOMEONE and asking 'I want a goth store, two stories, and the top story is going to be a cafe.... what do I need to do, where do I need to go' but I dont even know who to call about that!
That was another reason why I was supposed to move to cali.... my cousin owns his own yogurt shop, and was gonna open one in Turlock,... and I was going to be the manager, and that was going to help me with things I need to know about how to open my own shop, but yea, I cant really ask him cause I dont even know how to get ahold of him, considering he is my step cousin, and I dont really talk to that side of the family except my grandpa... and hed probably get mad if I just called and asked for his number.... or tell me im wasting my time on opening my own shop cause Im too damn stupid....
speaking of my grandpa, I was trying to look him up on google, to look for his last name, and my grandma and dad came up....
you know whats funny? I think I told Jared that once you live in turlock, you always go back....
Well, I kinda forgot to mention.........
Bass's mom used to live in Turlock.... and Richie's dad used to live in turlock.....
Well.... see, we are all tied up, and didnt even know it.
Marie, bass's mom, Richie's dad [i forgot his name], and my dad, all went to high school together.... marie didnt really know richie's dad very well.... and my dad didnt know any of them.... but they all went to school TOGETHER... no, not went to the same school at different times,... they went TOGETHER.... yea, sure, marie was a freshie, and a geek, and my dad was a skateboarder and probably a senior, and richie's dad was in the band... not 'a' band... THE band.. the.... SCHOOL band xDD haha.
ok, so they all went to school with each other, than at one point of time, richie went to school there, and ronnie did, and Damien did, and bass went to night school there, maybe attended a year there too, idk... Well, at least I didnt go there, but now my lil cousin goes there, my grandma went there I think... my step grandpa did for sure... and bass is 18, ronnie is 19, damien is 22 Richie is 25....
and non of them really went to school TOGETHER.... or talked to each other in high school [please note... ronnie got kicked out of school, and damien and richie dropped out.... I think rosa and steve dropped out too]
and ok, it sounds like the crew is this small.... but let me really name EVERYONE that is part of the crew, or was till I left... every time I leave somewhere, everthing falls apart...
The crew is in sets of 3, but we all combine and make one huge crew...
My crew: Ronnie, Rosa, [ronnie's sister] Steve [rosa's bf, now ex] Damien, Alayna [Damien's baby's mommy, and now back to dating] Me [was known as ronnie's gf] Brendish [didnt hang out with us too much. Rich's cousin]
Juan [sorta ish part of the crew, would be known as my brother]
Not my crew, but my friends: Jessica [part of the crew, but partly not] Michelle [sorta, not really part of the crew, part of Jessica's crew, and later was Jessicas... bf,...gf? idk] Than Jessica's brother... idk what his name is. Stacia, Thomas, Ben.
Other Thomas [gay, but not gay thomas. No, he is not bi, he just sounds gay] Thomas's brother [not part of the crew, but he was always at our parties]
Than on a regular basis, we saw Aundrea [stupid bitch.... Rich's lil sister] Angel, and Kami [who were also part of my crew]
Than there is Bass.... So this part is going to get confusing...
Bass lived in turlock at one point of time.... and when I lived there, he might have been going to turlock high.... but the thing is, I've seen bass plenty of times, but usually only for a split second.... There was only one time I actually had a good look at him, and thats because he was going to drive me at 3 am to my grandma's house so I could stay out longer with ronnie....
I didnt know Bass when I LIVED in turlock.... they told me who he was, but I cant even remember it...
I've met his brother [drew] plenty of times though... thats how I know i've met bass, cause bass was driving drew's truck, and drove us to parties and such...
Bass was part of the crew till we started talking online.... and on the phone, and ronnie found out [after we brokeup] and your friends never date your ex's.... so to Ronnie, Bass was no longer a friend....
Than Rich got bass's lil sis preggo, and Drew wanted to beat rich up, and everyone thinks bass set him up....
After that, Bass and Drew were no longer part of the crew.... But than supposidly Rich forgave bass, and so did Damien and Alayna was never mad.... and I forgave him....
But than after I got kicked out, Rich thought that was bullshit, and when Bass wanted to have rich come over about the whole baby thing, Rich suddenly seemed like he wanted nothing to do with him, and as far as I know.... Damien has not spoken to Bass since I left california.....
so idk whats going on. I know, this must be the most confusing story ever.... so im done talking about turlock.
Oh, and baby Tistan is now part of the crew :]
anyways, I miss my babe so friggen much! =[ I wish he was here to take care of me.... oh, and im totally mad at him cause he doesnt want to call me beautiful, cause hes afraid he'd spell it wrong... thats the worst excuse i've ever heard.... that is also why i use t9 lol
I wish I could be laying in his arms right now...... ='(
and its rather annoying.
Sometimes I wish I was pretty enough for photographers to come to me..... or I wish I could like, finally have my big break, which i'll never get....
Lastnight Jared said I was the hottest girl hes ever dated..... ok.... hes dated two people... woow... makes me feel so.... =/ not hot.
Yesterday I was looking though someone's work http://cameradude.deviantart.com/ and wow,.... I love it. very captive....
Lately I've been sick, which has been making me feel ugly looking... and I know this is a rather annoying topic, and every girl feels this way, but really... I've been too lazy & busy to go work out, and my face looks like shit. I look like I've aged! >.>
I mean, I look uglier than those hot druggies! Now thats horrible!
-sigh- so this photoshoot today got canceled.... but another photographer said he would shoot, but now the model is mixing times up, ah, this whole thing is getting complicated....
To be honestly, I just want to shoot with Jared....
On the more simple lines of modeling.... and not goth. Like I do, but that'll come later :]
I wish I could see my babe today, but than again, I wish I could see him everyday... I wish I could just sleep over at his house for a few days in a row, and focus on getting a shop.... But I dont really know what is expensive, what is too cheap, what is fake, and what is real.... I dont know where the good part of town is, and the horrible... a house, and a store, a house that we can turn into a store, and a house that we cant.... I need to know EXACTLY what business license I need for selling clothes, jewelry, tickets, glow toys, music, I also need to know what business license I need for selling food and drinks.... I than need to know what I'll be selling, and ALL the places that i'll be buying from,... I also than need to know what will be going in the cafe,.... I also than need to find a place to buy all my racks and hangers,.... than I need to know about hiring people, and giving health insurance and benefits... I also want to have this store online as well....
It seems so easy with all the mexicans and their little cheap clothing stores.... and those koreiens with their donut shops.... and there are so many of them.... its got to be easy right? and all those chinese people selling their stuff in the mall....
of course I need to do this all on my own, and my dad is willing to help, but I have to make the first big step alone... so says he... but the first big step is like, taller than I am. If someone could just give me a ladder, than I'd be perfectly fine... but no one has given me a ladder.... just a step stool....
I just feel like picking up the phone, and calling SOMEONE and asking 'I want a goth store, two stories, and the top story is going to be a cafe.... what do I need to do, where do I need to go' but I dont even know who to call about that!
That was another reason why I was supposed to move to cali.... my cousin owns his own yogurt shop, and was gonna open one in Turlock,... and I was going to be the manager, and that was going to help me with things I need to know about how to open my own shop, but yea, I cant really ask him cause I dont even know how to get ahold of him, considering he is my step cousin, and I dont really talk to that side of the family except my grandpa... and hed probably get mad if I just called and asked for his number.... or tell me im wasting my time on opening my own shop cause Im too damn stupid....
speaking of my grandpa, I was trying to look him up on google, to look for his last name, and my grandma and dad came up....
you know whats funny? I think I told Jared that once you live in turlock, you always go back....
Well, I kinda forgot to mention.........
Bass's mom used to live in Turlock.... and Richie's dad used to live in turlock.....
Well.... see, we are all tied up, and didnt even know it.
Marie, bass's mom, Richie's dad [i forgot his name], and my dad, all went to high school together.... marie didnt really know richie's dad very well.... and my dad didnt know any of them.... but they all went to school TOGETHER... no, not went to the same school at different times,... they went TOGETHER.... yea, sure, marie was a freshie, and a geek, and my dad was a skateboarder and probably a senior, and richie's dad was in the band... not 'a' band... THE band.. the.... SCHOOL band xDD haha.
ok, so they all went to school with each other, than at one point of time, richie went to school there, and ronnie did, and Damien did, and bass went to night school there, maybe attended a year there too, idk... Well, at least I didnt go there, but now my lil cousin goes there, my grandma went there I think... my step grandpa did for sure... and bass is 18, ronnie is 19, damien is 22 Richie is 25....
and non of them really went to school TOGETHER.... or talked to each other in high school [please note... ronnie got kicked out of school, and damien and richie dropped out.... I think rosa and steve dropped out too]
and ok, it sounds like the crew is this small.... but let me really name EVERYONE that is part of the crew, or was till I left... every time I leave somewhere, everthing falls apart...
The crew is in sets of 3, but we all combine and make one huge crew...
My crew: Ronnie, Rosa, [ronnie's sister] Steve [rosa's bf, now ex] Damien, Alayna [Damien's baby's mommy, and now back to dating] Me [was known as ronnie's gf] Brendish [didnt hang out with us too much. Rich's cousin]
Juan [sorta ish part of the crew, would be known as my brother]
Not my crew, but my friends: Jessica [part of the crew, but partly not] Michelle [sorta, not really part of the crew, part of Jessica's crew, and later was Jessicas... bf,...gf? idk] Than Jessica's brother... idk what his name is. Stacia, Thomas, Ben.
Other Thomas [gay, but not gay thomas. No, he is not bi, he just sounds gay] Thomas's brother [not part of the crew, but he was always at our parties]
Than on a regular basis, we saw Aundrea [stupid bitch.... Rich's lil sister] Angel, and Kami [who were also part of my crew]
Than there is Bass.... So this part is going to get confusing...
Bass lived in turlock at one point of time.... and when I lived there, he might have been going to turlock high.... but the thing is, I've seen bass plenty of times, but usually only for a split second.... There was only one time I actually had a good look at him, and thats because he was going to drive me at 3 am to my grandma's house so I could stay out longer with ronnie....
I didnt know Bass when I LIVED in turlock.... they told me who he was, but I cant even remember it...
I've met his brother [drew] plenty of times though... thats how I know i've met bass, cause bass was driving drew's truck, and drove us to parties and such...
Bass was part of the crew till we started talking online.... and on the phone, and ronnie found out [after we brokeup] and your friends never date your ex's.... so to Ronnie, Bass was no longer a friend....
Than Rich got bass's lil sis preggo, and Drew wanted to beat rich up, and everyone thinks bass set him up....
After that, Bass and Drew were no longer part of the crew.... But than supposidly Rich forgave bass, and so did Damien and Alayna was never mad.... and I forgave him....
But than after I got kicked out, Rich thought that was bullshit, and when Bass wanted to have rich come over about the whole baby thing, Rich suddenly seemed like he wanted nothing to do with him, and as far as I know.... Damien has not spoken to Bass since I left california.....
so idk whats going on. I know, this must be the most confusing story ever.... so im done talking about turlock.
Oh, and baby Tistan is now part of the crew :]
anyways, I miss my babe so friggen much! =[ I wish he was here to take care of me.... oh, and im totally mad at him cause he doesnt want to call me beautiful, cause hes afraid he'd spell it wrong... thats the worst excuse i've ever heard.... that is also why i use t9 lol
I wish I could be laying in his arms right now...... ='(
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Secrets?
I feel horrible..... I need to learn how to not let things get to me....
especially irritation....
Like... when people pester me about something, or wanting to know something -coughjaredcough-
I feel bad for always getting overly upset, or flipping out on people...
But how else do you let someone know that they are getting on your nerves? How else do you let someone know 'you've had enough'?
But how do I control myself? I wish I knew.....
"I don't know who you are, but i want to know you. i don't know where you are, but i want to be with you."
Yesterday I was complaining about the cold I think, and how it'd be warm in California.... Than Jared said that in a way, I was being like Brandon, always talking about the state we just came from. Well Brandon really shouldnt be talking about Omaha so much if he likes it here so much....
I on the other hand, HATE colorado with all my heart.... I hate it, I wish I never moved here, I wish I stayed in Turlock, and never left.... I honestly, really do.... I hate the cold, I hate the snow, I hate the rain.... its a butt ugly state... When you live in california, you take the moutains much more seriously.... instead of here, its like 'meh, its pretty, but I can come up here whenever the fuck I want' which makes it more boring.... less exciting, and you take it for granted.
And seriously.... one month ago my dad said 'well..... if you want, you can go back to california right now, and just go to school there' which I was... one... ITS HELLA FUCKING CHEAPER!!!! With, or without instate tuition! $25 per unit there..... $75 in the springs... yea... big difference.... $125 out of state.... for cali... $379 for out of state down in the springs... HUGE difference. Everyone in cali is so much nicer.... you tend to find a lot more better 'friends' in cali.... I could be walking around in a skirt in cali right fucking now.... And all the time Im SO CLOSE to just moving out there....
In fact, me and my dad were just talking about it... he said 'do you want to start your shop now? or do you want to go back out in cali? I know you like it out there... and eventually I have to move back to the springs anyways cause of the house'
=/ yea.... the shop would do me a lot more good out in california... a LOT more good... one, if I had it in Sacramento,... its 100 times bigger... or if I had it in SD.... i'd have 100 times more customers....
I'd honestly would rather just start it out in california, and come back for Jared,... but he likes colorado way too much to probably ever leave... which is a bummer....
And since Ronnie and Rich are coming, that makes it better to have it out here, because they are part of the reason why I want it in cali....
Jared is sorta the only reason why im staying out in colorado... I have a reason to talk about cali, and no offense, but he is holding me back on leaving. Yes, it is easier with my dad's help,.... but he could always fly out there after I get everything sorted, and help me.... So yes! I will talk about California 24/7 because I hate this stupid place... its so fucking lame, and there is NOTHING to do....
And dont you complain about me talking about it.... because you are whats keeping me from my home state.... Ever since I moved to this place, I felt like I dont have a home. Im not trying to blame it on anyone that I am out here still..... But realize.... I like you enough to have decided to stay here.... And if that is not good enough for you, than sure, say Im like chip.... but it does kinda hurt....
You dont realize how much I hate this state, and how much I want to go back to California... and im staying here because I like you..... and all you can say is 'your acting like brandon' No... Im acting like Im away from the ONLY place I call home... because colorado will never be a home to me. It'll just be a shit hole of a state... and maybe once a week I'll MAYBE think that living here is alright.
"The night is fading, heart is racing. so just come and love me like we're going to die."
My throat hurts again, and feels like its swollen or something.... being sick sucks ass.....
Sometimes I feel like Jared doesnt trust me.... doesnt believe in me... as well as not believing in himself when he said that he thought I changed my mind about him. And I seriously wanted to cry. Yes I hate the fact that we are so different, but that wouldnt mean I would just change my mind. Something huge and life changing would have to change my mind about him.
Just a thought... Imagine you could start all over, and live it how you want to.... would you start living it right now?
I wish I had a place to be alone with Jared.... Just so we can watch a movie and fall asleep, than wake up in the morning to make pancakes :]
Monday, May 10, 2010
-sigh-
Last night I did kinda feel totally.... 100% unloved
And today..... idk... me chip and andrew were getting along pretty good....
I dont have much to say..... except that lastnight kinda hurt me.
So today I thought of some pretty stupid shit....
and today I kinda got.... really got upset with Jared.... thought i cought him in a lie.... but it was kinda just a misunderstanding. So I feel horrible....
anyways.... work,.... tomorrow.... I might pass....
IDK!!!
but seriously.... as soon as I get classes.... get the hair for the dreads..... right there i'll be busy.... plus soon running/putting a shop together,... I might even start it online, but idk.... ebay is lame, and andrew isnt really helping with the online thing.... trying to maintain a relationship with Jared,.... yo, i've been way too busy to fit in a photoshoot.....
I dont see how I can have this job, or any other than making / selling dreads
right now my internet sucks ass, and its pissing me off....
I miss Jared..... and have no clue when I get to see him next....
I was hoping for a schedule from work so I can have some models come over and model in my dreads so I'd have pictures to post online =[
idk,... help me.... what do you think I should do?
And today..... idk... me chip and andrew were getting along pretty good....
I dont have much to say..... except that lastnight kinda hurt me.
So today I thought of some pretty stupid shit....
and today I kinda got.... really got upset with Jared.... thought i cought him in a lie.... but it was kinda just a misunderstanding. So I feel horrible....
anyways.... work,.... tomorrow.... I might pass....
IDK!!!
but seriously.... as soon as I get classes.... get the hair for the dreads..... right there i'll be busy.... plus soon running/putting a shop together,... I might even start it online, but idk.... ebay is lame, and andrew isnt really helping with the online thing.... trying to maintain a relationship with Jared,.... yo, i've been way too busy to fit in a photoshoot.....
I dont see how I can have this job, or any other than making / selling dreads
right now my internet sucks ass, and its pissing me off....
I miss Jared..... and have no clue when I get to see him next....
I was hoping for a schedule from work so I can have some models come over and model in my dreads so I'd have pictures to post online =[
idk,... help me.... what do you think I should do?
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Twilight
RIP MOM
o1.o6.o9 And I miss her soooo much.
Happy mother's day. Make sure you do something special for you mom! Yesterday I got her this little thing that she used to collect all the time.....
I wish she could have met Jared and Ronnie. You would have gotten a kick out of Ronnie, and would have loved Jared. Also Juan too....
They all make me smile without even trying....
I wish I could show you what I've been up to. I always wish you were here to help me. You would have thought the goth shop is the coolest thing in the world. lol and I wish, yes, that I could take you out to clubs. I think it would have been fun.
I always think about you everyday. I need you, and wish you could have stayed. I wish I could have taken you to the beach,.... Colorado doesnt have one; I dont see how you could have lived here before.... Did you even like it here?
I have your cat here..... Im sure Muggle misses sleeping with you.
I hate being so stressed out and not having you here to talk to....
Sorry, I've almost become like you.... Just sitting in my room all day everyday,..... I feel like a horrible person for letting your life just slip away...
If I could, Id spend all day shopping with you, just standing there till my feet hurt,... I would take you hiking,.... I'd take you to the beach, I'd play dress up, and I'd sing karaoke with you, even if I sucked.... I'd find a place where you could pick all the flowers you wanted, and I'd go to every Filipino family gathering even if I dont understand what they are saying, and no one talked to me, I'd still go, and dress how you wanted me to.
I wish I could hear you sing one last time....
About a month ago I listened to this song over and over, because I could just imagine your voice.
Happy Mother's Day
Now..... I hate to talk about this.... That chick in twilight is a horrible actress!!!!! That bella girl. yea.
Anyways.... Twilight, the second one...... in a way, Edward would play the roll of Ronnie, and Jacob would have played the roll of Bass,.... and I would have played Bella....
But mix it a little. Because Ronnie totally looks like Jacob, and bass totally looks like a not so hot edward,...not that edward is hot.
Anyways! I broke it with ronnie I must have sat in my room and stared out the window and watched it snow.... for days, and days..... not getting up, not eating.... not talking to anyone. Months of crying,.... than Bass came and told me to forget him.... exactly like what Jacob said pretty much.... no really... It was like he read the books... "I know what he did to you.... I would never ever do that to you. I would never hurt you.... I promise. I wont let you donw. You can count on me" [seriously Bass? Did you like, read the book or something?]
And than it was like Ronnie came back, just like Edward....
And just like Jacob, Bass disappeared as well. Only I dont think he would ever come back.
It was exactly the same.... only the ending is different.....
:] Because Jared came into my life.... [speaking of jared, I just saw him]
But I hope he never disappears.... I hope we stay friends forever, I hope I can always talk to him,.... and always hold his hand. I hope he would never be a boy that I sit, and stare out of the window, doing nothing but thinking about him day after day.... alone
But I dont want any promises....
:] I wanna buy him new clothes though xD He is always asking what to wear... not that I really care, but if he doesnt know what to wear,.... than does he really like his clothes?
btw..... he smells good o.O is that not creepy to say?
Im alright with staying here in colorado just because of Jared, and my dad.... but its so boring here! There is no rush here..... There is nothing to fear here. Its all just.... boring, and the same. The only fear, is loosing myself, and loosing my friends,.... and of course the possibility of loosing Jared. Not that I want to be around a bunch of gangs,.... or a bunch of loosers who think they are vampires.... But seriously, I am stuck with a boy who thinks he can fight, and brags about it... a smart ass who thinks hes a bad ass.... And an overly kind boy with a bad past, a kind anti stealing pirate....
Thats why I cant wait till Rich and Ronnie get here..... :] They are a fun rush. But its no fun..... Rich, Ronnie, D, and Steve can go around punching each other when they loose their temper..... but of course... 'girls are not allowed to hit guys' What a bunch of loosers D<
anyways.... I think im done posting here. idk what else to say... I'd probably just go on and end up talking about stuff no one wants to hear
o1.o6.o9 And I miss her soooo much.
Happy mother's day. Make sure you do something special for you mom! Yesterday I got her this little thing that she used to collect all the time.....
I wish she could have met Jared and Ronnie. You would have gotten a kick out of Ronnie, and would have loved Jared. Also Juan too....
They all make me smile without even trying....
I wish I could show you what I've been up to. I always wish you were here to help me. You would have thought the goth shop is the coolest thing in the world. lol and I wish, yes, that I could take you out to clubs. I think it would have been fun.
I always think about you everyday. I need you, and wish you could have stayed. I wish I could have taken you to the beach,.... Colorado doesnt have one; I dont see how you could have lived here before.... Did you even like it here?
I have your cat here..... Im sure Muggle misses sleeping with you.
I hate being so stressed out and not having you here to talk to....
Sorry, I've almost become like you.... Just sitting in my room all day everyday,..... I feel like a horrible person for letting your life just slip away...
If I could, Id spend all day shopping with you, just standing there till my feet hurt,... I would take you hiking,.... I'd take you to the beach, I'd play dress up, and I'd sing karaoke with you, even if I sucked.... I'd find a place where you could pick all the flowers you wanted, and I'd go to every Filipino family gathering even if I dont understand what they are saying, and no one talked to me, I'd still go, and dress how you wanted me to.
I wish I could hear you sing one last time....
About a month ago I listened to this song over and over, because I could just imagine your voice.
Happy Mother's Day
Now..... I hate to talk about this.... That chick in twilight is a horrible actress!!!!! That bella girl. yea.
Anyways.... Twilight, the second one...... in a way, Edward would play the roll of Ronnie, and Jacob would have played the roll of Bass,.... and I would have played Bella....
But mix it a little. Because Ronnie totally looks like Jacob, and bass totally looks like a not so hot edward,...not that edward is hot.
Anyways! I broke it with ronnie I must have sat in my room and stared out the window and watched it snow.... for days, and days..... not getting up, not eating.... not talking to anyone. Months of crying,.... than Bass came and told me to forget him.... exactly like what Jacob said pretty much.... no really... It was like he read the books... "I know what he did to you.... I would never ever do that to you. I would never hurt you.... I promise. I wont let you donw. You can count on me" [seriously Bass? Did you like, read the book or something?]
And than it was like Ronnie came back, just like Edward....
And just like Jacob, Bass disappeared as well. Only I dont think he would ever come back.
It was exactly the same.... only the ending is different.....
:] Because Jared came into my life.... [speaking of jared, I just saw him]
But I hope he never disappears.... I hope we stay friends forever, I hope I can always talk to him,.... and always hold his hand. I hope he would never be a boy that I sit, and stare out of the window, doing nothing but thinking about him day after day.... alone
But I dont want any promises....
:] I wanna buy him new clothes though xD He is always asking what to wear... not that I really care, but if he doesnt know what to wear,.... than does he really like his clothes?
btw..... he smells good o.O is that not creepy to say?
Im alright with staying here in colorado just because of Jared, and my dad.... but its so boring here! There is no rush here..... There is nothing to fear here. Its all just.... boring, and the same. The only fear, is loosing myself, and loosing my friends,.... and of course the possibility of loosing Jared. Not that I want to be around a bunch of gangs,.... or a bunch of loosers who think they are vampires.... But seriously, I am stuck with a boy who thinks he can fight, and brags about it... a smart ass who thinks hes a bad ass.... And an overly kind boy with a bad past, a kind anti stealing pirate....
Thats why I cant wait till Rich and Ronnie get here..... :] They are a fun rush. But its no fun..... Rich, Ronnie, D, and Steve can go around punching each other when they loose their temper..... but of course... 'girls are not allowed to hit guys' What a bunch of loosers D<
anyways.... I think im done posting here. idk what else to say... I'd probably just go on and end up talking about stuff no one wants to hear
Saturday, May 8, 2010
heart
Im sitting here with a box of tissues.... really not wanting to go to work on Monday.... Im going to hate it soooo much. I dont need a job..... I just did it to make my dad happy.... Than I thought of who does things for me to try and make me happy..... uh... no one. Jared, yes.... but he does that just by being himself....
But I feel like no one would go out of their way to make me happy....
"A heart is like glass, dropped once, broken forever,& even if the pieces finally get put back together
it will never be the same."
So I've been down in the dumps ever since I came home.... Watching that stupid movie 50 first dates... seriously.... what guy would ever do that? anyways, whatever. I think this sickness is getting to my head. Im talking to Juan right now.... and I think hes missing Turlock just as much as I am. it suchs.
"Your real friends aren't necessarily the people you spend the most time withbut the people you share the best memories with."
"Girls are superheroes.
Who else could bleed for a week or a month and not die?"
chip just came into the room. "You know what time it is?"
Me [with a sick voice] "12:12.... happy birthday"
"I couldnt see you, but I really just wanted to shout 'I love you' at the top of my lungs, and hope you'd hear me"so today I got something for my mom for mother's day.... Jared didnt know that my mom's ashes were sitting in my room.... I miss her so much....
1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT Ring?Yes..... and its in my room
2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
2 years, and we were hooked up for almost 2 years.... so kinda 4
3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
gift? I guess my steamer would be a gift :]
4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
alot.... when I get so angry to the point I feel like breaking things I have to drop the call
5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
before I went to cali
6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
food, lip-service.com, and my storage unit bill
7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
a piece of bread
8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
hair.... clothes, teeth, eyes, smile, body type mostly in that order, unless the body type is like.... HELLA noticable than yea, obviously that
9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
Dream by priscilla ahn and The Box by Thermostatic
10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
by federal and 104th
11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
El camino highschool
12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
Cricket
13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
oceanside mall cause you run into so many fricken people
14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:
1 year?
15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
Nope
16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:
not since I was young
17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
only wedding... my step aunt and my uncles
18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
Jared or Juan than ronnie and rich to get their asses out here and I wouldnt tell anyone else
19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:
9 months =[
20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
chipotle
21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
I was trying to get you preg so you wouldnt leave me
but than again.....
23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
in-and-out
24. CAN YOU COOK?
yea
25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
None
26. BEST KISSER:
=/
27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
idk, a few nights ago
28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
veggies
29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
My booty! <--- well shes not full of herself at all
thing I like most about myself..... um..... to be honest? absolutely nothing.... I hate my face, body, skin, skin tone, hair eyes, everything, than I also hate my attitude, and my overly caring personality, my smart ass ness and my stupidness.... yup... I seriously do no tlike anything about me. I do like my taste in photography.... jus need to learn more of how to do what i want to do
30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
read above but mostly my flat ass!!!!!!!!! =[
32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?:
cant remember
33. FAVORITE MOVIE?
the last unicorn, and land before time 1
34. CAN YOU SING?
ha, I wish
35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
er...... does a gig count?
36. LAST KISS?
jared
37. LAST MOVIE RENTED:
the step father which I didnt even get to fucking see!
38.ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
my clothes
39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT:
spot? TURLOCK BITCHES!!!!!!!
43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:
Laptop....
44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?
Idk
45. DO YOU SMOKE?
fuck no
46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
With
47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?:
muggle
48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?:
they do with me....
49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
er...... never? not while i was driving
50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
FRENCH TOAST ALL THE FUCKING WAY!!!! omg, i'd love you to death if you could cook that really good
51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:
yuck
52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
scrambled without any addings or fluffing
53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:
Kinda
54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:
my dad
55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:
Andrew
56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?:
ok ill sine in - I think he ment to say 'sign'
58 NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:
2
59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
pjs
60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:
driving nails into my soul, driving angels from my door
61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?:
normal grape
62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:
hahaaa!!! noooo
63. CAN YOU SWIM?
yea
64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?:
depends on my mood..... plain vanilla, moose tracks, cookies n' cream, or..... yea
65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
yes?
66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:
I will always be very very VERY insecure about my body
68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?:
yes
69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON:
Summer!
70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
er..... idk
71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING?:
10 something.... well I was kinda awake by 8:30
72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?:
christmas.... which usually takes place in turlock :]
73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?:
parking tickets
75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?:
other than fish.... cherry I think his name was.... rabbit with red eyes
76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?
hecka cool :] I wish I had all my pirate garb but bass has them
77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND??
tomorrow..... not sure
78. BIRTHDATE:
09-02-89
79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?:
a shop owner, and a model
85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?:
dur
87. ARE YOU SMILING?:
no
89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?:
yes
90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?:
turlock.... or.... idk, I dont care
92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?:
lol nopes
93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?:
more than a crush
94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
favorite name?
95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?:
black and purple
96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:
june
97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?:
no =/
98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?:
no
99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?:
a half sister
100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?:
dont have one
101. ARE YOU IN LOVE?:
---
102. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?:
not for myself
103. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?:
a few people yes
104. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?
nope
105. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY?:
Nothing
Happy Mother's Day mom.... Wish you could see how much Jared makes me smile.
Me and Klaa had a small conversation about whats 'normal' Nothing is normal.... you look at a goth person and think 'thats abnormal' and a goth person would think 'we [us] in a group are normal'
I think Jared got irritated with me when I kept asking if he wanted to do the shoot, and wanted to wear Klaa's clothes..... I dont want to change him,.... Im just kinda used to having someone with more of my style,.... I just wanted to see what he'd look like in certain things..... I hope he doesnt think I was trying to force him to wear certain things, or wanting to change his clothing style
I miss him,... a lot. I wish He would know how much I like him
Thursday, May 6, 2010
A day without
Since Andrew wants the computer,.... I cant really have it long =/
I hope Jared gets some change tomorrow so he could come over early....
maybe I'll just go over there.... but I would probably get lost or miss the stop im supposed to get off at.... anyways....
so in that case, im jus gonna do this thingy :]
Have you ever smoked Marlboro cigarettes?
I have never smoked a cig in my whole entire life... not even a puff
Have you ever been in a Stop & Shop?
I've been to a stop and save which we call it 'stop and rob' :]
Have you ever been to an A.A. meeting?
no
Have you ever been to a professional baseball game?
well DUH!!!
Do you have an unusual name for your pet?
Muggle? Yes, I suppose so
Did you ever meet someone from a local news station?
one of my photographers were... and we shot inside of it :]
What color do you want your car to be?
maroon, gold yellow orange whatever you wanna call it, or purple
If you could change your eye color, what would you change it to?
Green!!!!! or blue
Do you have a deck on your house?
I no longer have a house
Ever heard of the band Traffic?
No
What would you have been named if you were born the opposite sex?
fuck if I know
What's your grandmother on your dad's side's name?
Hellen
How about on your mom's side?
Emelio,... wait, thats my grandpa.... lol anyways... I've never met, or talked to my grandma
Do you know what a gopher looks like?
er...
What's your sibling's middle name?
ahahahaaaa.... noooooooo I dont even know their last names
Are you passive aggressive?
meh
Does anyone in your family have a mental illness?
my mom did sorta I think
Does anyone in your family have a disease?
probably in the Philippines yea
Is blueberry your favorite scent?
no but I hella love blueberries!!!
Are you jealous of your siblings?
haha.... noooo. they never knew their real mom, and I did,...
Besides your house, where did you sleep last?
um...... my grandparents house in cali
Do you know anyone who lives in another country?
duh!
Do you know what a crypt keeper is?
nope?
What's the theme song to your favorite t.v. show?
fuck if I know!
When was your last camping trip?
when I lived in turlock =[
Did you ever have light up shoes?
cha!!! when I was little and cute and adorable
Are you wearing anything that was made in China?
probably
Do your socks match right now?
skin and skin.... yup
Can you go a day without thinking about the person that’s on your mind now?
hahahaaaa!!!!!!! yea... right lol haha, your too funny
What did you even do today?
nothing!
Last person you had a conversation with on the phone?
me myself and I
Are you stuck in the past?
Sometimes
How are you feeling at this moment?
rushed
What are you looking forward to next month?
yup
What ruined your day today?
my steamer
What do you hear at this moment?
the dish washer and..... NCIS
Ready for winter to come?
IM READY FOR IT TO FUCKING LEAVE!!!
Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
idk
Have you ever liked someone you didn't expect to?
current status
Are you a jealous person?
very much so!
If you could put last night on repeat, would you?
lol nopes
Are you missing someone right now?
im missing jared 24/7 you retard
Have you cried this week at all?
yea
Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone?
Yeah
Are you drunk?
I dont drink much
How long have you liked the person you last kissed?
um... a month
Is there someone you can't stop thinking about?
read above dumbass
Is there anyone you would like to fix things with?
mhm.....
Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
duh! im talking to him now trying to get fricken directions to his house D<
Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn't?
Yeah.... all the time
What is on your wrists right now?
this is a stupid question
Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a K?
No
How's your life lately?
alright
How was your day?
boring as fuck
When was the last time you consumed alcohol?
idk.... when I last 'lived' in turlock
Want someone back in your life?
as a friend
Have you talked to a complete jerk today?
yes
You have to be with someone for the rest of your life who is it?
=/
Have any recent regrets?
kinda yea
Has anyone disappointed/upset you recently?
yes
Did you sleep alone last night?
every night =[
Are there certain things that can't be joked about with you?
of course.... for sure no 'your mom' jokes... no sex jokes, no past relationship jokes
Do you think the person you like is cute?
yea
Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
:]
Where were you at 7:17 PM last night?
in my room probably
When will your next kiss be?
tomorrow
Did you get anything off your chest today?
nope.... still holding everything in
Do you have a good relationship with your ex?
yes and no
Who are you missing the most right now?
peoples and jared
Will you be sleeping alone tonight?
sadly yes
I hope Jared gets some change tomorrow so he could come over early....
maybe I'll just go over there.... but I would probably get lost or miss the stop im supposed to get off at.... anyways....
so in that case, im jus gonna do this thingy :]
Have you ever smoked Marlboro cigarettes?
I have never smoked a cig in my whole entire life... not even a puff
Have you ever been in a Stop & Shop?
I've been to a stop and save which we call it 'stop and rob' :]
Have you ever been to an A.A. meeting?
no
Have you ever been to a professional baseball game?
well DUH!!!
Do you have an unusual name for your pet?
Muggle? Yes, I suppose so
Did you ever meet someone from a local news station?
one of my photographers were... and we shot inside of it :]
What color do you want your car to be?
maroon, gold yellow orange whatever you wanna call it, or purple
If you could change your eye color, what would you change it to?
Green!!!!! or blue
Do you have a deck on your house?
I no longer have a house
Ever heard of the band Traffic?
No
What would you have been named if you were born the opposite sex?
fuck if I know
What's your grandmother on your dad's side's name?
Hellen
How about on your mom's side?
Emelio,... wait, thats my grandpa.... lol anyways... I've never met, or talked to my grandma
Do you know what a gopher looks like?
er...
What's your sibling's middle name?
ahahahaaaa.... noooooooo I dont even know their last names
Are you passive aggressive?
meh
Does anyone in your family have a mental illness?
my mom did sorta I think
Does anyone in your family have a disease?
probably in the Philippines yea
Is blueberry your favorite scent?
no but I hella love blueberries!!!
Are you jealous of your siblings?
haha.... noooo. they never knew their real mom, and I did,...
Besides your house, where did you sleep last?
um...... my grandparents house in cali
Do you know anyone who lives in another country?
duh!
Do you know what a crypt keeper is?
nope?
What's the theme song to your favorite t.v. show?
fuck if I know!
When was your last camping trip?
when I lived in turlock =[
Did you ever have light up shoes?
cha!!! when I was little and cute and adorable
Are you wearing anything that was made in China?
probably
Do your socks match right now?
skin and skin.... yup
Can you go a day without thinking about the person that’s on your mind now?
hahahaaaa!!!!!!! yea... right lol haha, your too funny
What did you even do today?
nothing!
Last person you had a conversation with on the phone?
me myself and I
Are you stuck in the past?
Sometimes
How are you feeling at this moment?
rushed
What are you looking forward to next month?
yup
What ruined your day today?
my steamer
What do you hear at this moment?
the dish washer and..... NCIS
Ready for winter to come?
IM READY FOR IT TO FUCKING LEAVE!!!
Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
idk
Have you ever liked someone you didn't expect to?
current status
Are you a jealous person?
very much so!
If you could put last night on repeat, would you?
lol nopes
Are you missing someone right now?
im missing jared 24/7 you retard
Have you cried this week at all?
yea
Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone?
Yeah
Are you drunk?
I dont drink much
How long have you liked the person you last kissed?
um... a month
Is there someone you can't stop thinking about?
read above dumbass
Is there anyone you would like to fix things with?
mhm.....
Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
duh! im talking to him now trying to get fricken directions to his house D<
Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn't?
Yeah.... all the time
What is on your wrists right now?
this is a stupid question
Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a K?
No
How's your life lately?
alright
How was your day?
boring as fuck
When was the last time you consumed alcohol?
idk.... when I last 'lived' in turlock
Want someone back in your life?
as a friend
Have you talked to a complete jerk today?
yes
You have to be with someone for the rest of your life who is it?
=/
Have any recent regrets?
kinda yea
Has anyone disappointed/upset you recently?
yes
Did you sleep alone last night?
every night =[
Are there certain things that can't be joked about with you?
of course.... for sure no 'your mom' jokes... no sex jokes, no past relationship jokes
Do you think the person you like is cute?
yea
Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
:]
Where were you at 7:17 PM last night?
in my room probably
When will your next kiss be?
tomorrow
Did you get anything off your chest today?
nope.... still holding everything in
Do you have a good relationship with your ex?
yes and no
Who are you missing the most right now?
peoples and jared
Will you be sleeping alone tonight?
sadly yes
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
BareFoot
I walked barefoot in the grass a few times today,.... due to my little shoes that were scraping the skin off of the back of my foot...
Why do girls have it so much harder than guys?
Guys could go into a low paying job dressed in what they dress everyday...
girls... cant.
but than again, girls have it a lot easier with different things.... sometimes.
Walking in that grass made me feel young again, and also made me miss my mom.... so I guess Im going to dedicate that song to her now
I wish my mom could have met Jared, as well as Ronnie [even if we didnt date] But I think my mom would have liked them... and I hope Jared would have liked my mom. Sometimes I think 'what is she thinking? What does she think of me now? I would have totally brought my mom to clubs.... and we could go shopping.... Whens the last time I actually went out to do nothing but buy clothes just because I was running low on new clothes? It must have been 2 years'
And than I think about how my mom wanted to go to the beach all the time, and I never took her before she died..... thats one of the worst regrets I have ever.... I have so many worse things... but think.... Someone who was born on an island... and loved the beach, loved the ocean... and all she wanted to do was sit in the sand, or feel the ocean breeze, or feel the water, and watch the sun set for the very last time in her life.... and all you could say is 'im busy' of course she wasnt in the hospic at the time... But still....
anyways.... Than today I was randomly thinking about a pick nick... I miss going camping and having a pick nick with the whole crew... yes, we were that cheesy... and we had it at this place called 'fox grove' it was gorgeous there....
a LOT of this video is taken in fox grove... like the place where the first sunset scene [or the only one] where its super pretty... yea...
anyways, I wish there was a country field looking place here in colorado.... Im such a sucker for pretty wheat looking fields, or just pretty places... I want pretty pictures of me and Jared lol
Today, omg, I was super happy to have slept 3 fricken hours with him.... it was the cutest thing ever... He snores loud though, but oh well.... <3 I wish there was a way I could get to know him a lot more.... Like I wish there were things I could tell him.... but it'd just be too strange for a conversation...
Facts:
I love pretty old vintage looking things
I like to pretend I can sing, but will never sing infront of someone.... well I will once in a blue moon
Pink is my favorite color, followed by light sea green
I LOVE when he kisses my forehead....
I love romance, and dont give a shit about sex
I wish all my friends were into photography... but 'friend' photography, or vintage looking type stuff
I love video taping
I wish I was prettier
I miss Turlock more than anything, well besides my mom and Juan and the whole crew
I LOVE watching the sunset.... or I should say I love walking around with friends or sitting at the park while the sun is setting... makes me content
I always dreamed about getting a van for my friends in turlock.... but now that we're all kinda moved.... thats out of the question. I always wanted to travel around with a bunch of friends, taking road trips..... im kinda crushed that Jared cant leave the denver area.... but I still think a van would be cool.... a Volkswagen :] and if we all stay friends, have rich ronnie chip andrew me jared all there... and yea... kayla =/ and klaa, but he might want to be the driver, and might kill us all haha...
but that would be so much fun :]
I know every girl has their trust issues... but a lot of girls suddenly feel like they can trust someone new really fast.... but Jared.... idk.... it just seems like I REALLY CAN trust him.... I hope its true... he seems like a really great guy. And he is so respectful about everything... sometimes thats a little annoying, but oh well. I need to be less shy around him.
I wish everyone dressed like this, and we rode bikes like this still
I wish this is what my bedroom looked like! really really bad.... I miss being little lol
Sometimes I wish I could just run away to be with Jared.... like right now
Why do girls have it so much harder than guys?
Guys could go into a low paying job dressed in what they dress everyday...
girls... cant.
but than again, girls have it a lot easier with different things.... sometimes.
Walking in that grass made me feel young again, and also made me miss my mom.... so I guess Im going to dedicate that song to her now
I wish my mom could have met Jared, as well as Ronnie [even if we didnt date] But I think my mom would have liked them... and I hope Jared would have liked my mom. Sometimes I think 'what is she thinking? What does she think of me now? I would have totally brought my mom to clubs.... and we could go shopping.... Whens the last time I actually went out to do nothing but buy clothes just because I was running low on new clothes? It must have been 2 years'
And than I think about how my mom wanted to go to the beach all the time, and I never took her before she died..... thats one of the worst regrets I have ever.... I have so many worse things... but think.... Someone who was born on an island... and loved the beach, loved the ocean... and all she wanted to do was sit in the sand, or feel the ocean breeze, or feel the water, and watch the sun set for the very last time in her life.... and all you could say is 'im busy' of course she wasnt in the hospic at the time... But still.... 
anyways.... Than today I was randomly thinking about a pick nick... I miss going camping and having a pick nick with the whole crew... yes, we were that cheesy... and we had it at this place called 'fox grove' it was gorgeous there.... a LOT of this video is taken in fox grove... like the place where the first sunset scene [or the only one] where its super pretty... yea...
anyways, I wish there was a country field looking place here in colorado.... Im such a sucker for pretty wheat looking fields, or just pretty places... I want pretty pictures of me and Jared lol
Today, omg, I was super happy to have slept 3 fricken hours with him.... it was the cutest thing ever... He snores loud though, but oh well.... <3 I wish there was a way I could get to know him a lot more.... Like I wish there were things I could tell him.... but it'd just be too strange for a conversation...
Facts:
I love pretty old vintage looking things
I like to pretend I can sing, but will never sing infront of someone.... well I will once in a blue moon
Pink is my favorite color, followed by light sea green
I LOVE when he kisses my forehead....
I love romance, and dont give a shit about sex
I wish all my friends were into photography... but 'friend' photography, or vintage looking type stuff
I love video taping
I wish I was prettier
I miss Turlock more than anything, well besides my mom and Juan and the whole crew
I LOVE watching the sunset.... or I should say I love walking around with friends or sitting at the park while the sun is setting... makes me content
I always dreamed about getting a van for my friends in turlock.... but now that we're all kinda moved.... thats out of the question. I always wanted to travel around with a bunch of friends, taking road trips..... im kinda crushed that Jared cant leave the denver area.... but I still think a van would be cool.... a Volkswagen :] and if we all stay friends, have rich ronnie chip andrew me jared all there... and yea... kayla =/ and klaa, but he might want to be the driver, and might kill us all haha...but that would be so much fun :]
I know every girl has their trust issues... but a lot of girls suddenly feel like they can trust someone new really fast.... but Jared.... idk.... it just seems like I REALLY CAN trust him.... I hope its true... he seems like a really great guy. And he is so respectful about everything... sometimes thats a little annoying, but oh well. I need to be less shy around him. 
I wish everyone dressed like this, and we rode bikes like this still 
I wish this is what my bedroom looked like! really really bad.... I miss being little lolSometimes I wish I could just run away to be with Jared.... like right now
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