To Die

I was looking at xanga.com looking for quotes.... [no I have not posted there yet]
and there were all these pictures in a meadow....
And I just thought to myself, 'It'd be nice to be in California right now, just relaxing on the grass, or in a field with a blanket underneath.... and just lay there listening to the birds,.... and waste a day away just sleeping. And you could too... if you found the right place. Just lay there, with no one to bother you, no boundaries... Just a very soft breeze, the warm sun... watching the grass hoppers jump around, and the lady bugs crawling around, and every once in a while, perhaps a butterfly would fly by you....

I'd lay there watching the tiny blue ones on the flowers all around....'

But instead I have to deal with real life right now... I have to deal with stupid bitches, and people who make lives worse.... Than I have to live with a secret for a while.... parents these days never understand,.... no matter how old you are.


How do you know who to trust? They can say things, they can do things, they can 'prove' things.... People with a perfect past, people with a horrible past... ones with a happy heart,... people with a broken one... how do you know who to trust?

words are just words, and actions can still be deceiving... I mean one of my ex's sold his pets to make me think that he was actually going to move in, when the whole time he was cheating on me....
Someone can express their full emotions for you, and have you move in.... yet it was all just a lie from the start....
People can give you hugs everyday, and say how your a great friend after they move in, yet they 'never liked you in the first place'

You'd think that someone with a happy heart is a happy and caring person....
but you'd also think someone with a broken heart knows how it feels, and wouldnt do it to someone...
so which one would you choose?
You'd think someone with a perfect past, is someone who wants to treat someone perfectly...
or would you think someone with a horrible past, wouldnt want that life for someone else....

Who would you choose to trust?
When your own family disowns you....
than how do you know there is a single soul out there that you can trust?

A boy can talk about getting married to you....
And a boy can beg on his knees, crying, asking you not to leave....
who do you trust?
There is no way to prove to someone that you can trust them, there is no words that can tell me otherwise, there are no tears, no wounds, no nothing that can convince me to trust a single soul ever again.....
And Im sorry.
But the fact that I still have a little trust in you is saying that im either a foolish girl, or I really like you....
or both.

But know that I want to see you all the time, and wake up by your side,....
Just know I want you to be around to save me, and protect me. It's been a while since I felt safe... I know how to protect myself, and when I do, this is how I get... I dont let any emotions in, and I dont let other people in.... I just sit there and block everything out of my mind....
But if you could protect me, I wouldnt fall into that state again.
I may not trust you 100% but at least I could say that I could have someone to love, and that I have someone who cares for me in my own mind.







One day,..... I hope god could slow down the time when we are with each other.... make it feel like a life time, and I hope that he can prevent the bad things from happening when I get home.


I hope I can see you tomorrow Jared.... I really do. Its one thing to loose your friends, its another to no trust them at all.... and its a whole different story to be afraid of what they would do to you.






You know.... In Turlock, you can shoot off your own fireworks... and I guess you can too.. here in Denver...
but my grandma wants me to go to turlock for 4th of july... i mean, its kinda a family tradition.... and its also her birthday haha....
and I want to see rich and ronnie.... sucks that D isnt there anymore...
but than my dad wanted to go to war,... an SCA war... and I so would want Jared to come since I think its up here.... I want my friends to go to an SCA event... they are cool when its wars....
but im sure he'd be spending time with his family.....
but if we go to war, idk if we get to shoot off fireworks cause it'd be in the moutains,....
and I dont think Jared is really allowed to go into the mountains for the weekend well, its more like a 5 day thing, but idk how long my dad is going.....

but fireworks, or war....
war is only like... idk, I've only gone to war twice, and the first time was AMAZING!!! it was like this:



I was at that EXACT event in 2008 with my dad and Derrick




idk what style this is, I havnt seen it before where you fight one right after they die but whatever.... see, cool :]

This is not LARP (Live Action Role Play)
SCA is recreation of historical medieval warfare. There is no wizards, or fantasy world. It's a huge camping event where we beat the fuck out of each other until we can't take it anymore purely for entertainment of medieval warfare reinactment.

if you come over tomorrow, I'll show you the helms my dad just got.

but my dad does a japanese persona in the same era if you know what I mean, so his fighting is a little different and his armor is TOTALLY different...


I totally almost started crying when posting this blog somewhere in the middle of it
I miss you