Secrets?

I feel horrible..... I need to learn how to not let things get to me....
especially irritation....
Like... when people pester me about something, or wanting to know something -coughjaredcough-

I feel bad for always getting overly upset, or flipping out on people...
But how else do you let someone know that they are getting on your nerves? How else do you let someone know 'you've had enough'?

But how do I control myself? I wish I knew.....



"I don't know who you are, but i want to know you. i don't know where you are, but i want to be with you."


Yesterday I was complaining about the cold I think, and how it'd be warm in California.... Than Jared said that in a way, I was being like Brandon, always talking about the state we just came from. Well Brandon really shouldnt be talking about Omaha so much if he likes it here so much....

I on the other hand, HATE colorado with all my heart.... I hate it, I wish I never moved here, I wish I stayed in Turlock, and never left.... I honestly, really do.... I hate the cold, I hate the snow, I hate the rain.... its a butt ugly state... When you live in california, you take the moutains much more seriously.... instead of here, its like 'meh, its pretty, but I can come up here whenever the fuck I want' which makes it more boring.... less exciting, and you take it for granted.

And seriously.... one month ago my dad said 'well..... if you want, you can go back to california right now, and just go to school there' which I was... one... ITS HELLA FUCKING CHEAPER!!!! With, or without instate tuition! $25 per unit there..... $75 in the springs... yea... big difference.... $125 out of state.... for cali... $379 for out of state down in the springs... HUGE difference. Everyone in cali is so much nicer.... you tend to find a lot more better 'friends' in cali.... I could be walking around in a skirt in cali right fucking now.... And all the time Im SO CLOSE to just moving out there....

In fact, me and my dad were just talking about it... he said 'do you want to start your shop now? or do you want to go back out in cali? I know you like it out there... and eventually I have to move back to the springs anyways cause of the house'

=/ yea.... the shop would do me a lot more good out in california... a LOT more good... one, if I had it in Sacramento,... its 100 times bigger... or if I had it in SD.... i'd have 100 times more customers....

I'd honestly would rather just start it out in california, and come back for Jared,... but he likes colorado way too much to probably ever leave... which is a bummer....
And since Ronnie and Rich are coming, that makes it better to have it out here, because they are part of the reason why I want it in cali....

Jared is sorta the only reason why im staying out in colorado... I have a reason to talk about cali, and no offense, but he is holding me back on leaving. Yes, it is easier with my dad's help,.... but he could always fly out there after I get everything sorted, and help me....

So yes! I will talk about California 24/7 because I hate this stupid place... its so fucking lame, and there is NOTHING to do....
And dont you complain about me talking about it.... because you are whats keeping me from my home state.... Ever since I moved to this place, I felt like I dont have a home. Im not trying to blame it on anyone that I am out here still..... But realize.... I like you enough to have decided to stay here.... And if that is not good enough for you, than sure, say Im like chip.... but it does kinda hurt....

You dont realize how much I hate this state, and how much I want to go back to California... and im staying here because I like you..... and all you can say is 'your acting like brandon' No... Im acting like Im away from the ONLY place I call home... because colorado will never be a home to me. It'll just be a shit hole of a state... and maybe once a week I'll MAYBE think that living here is alright.




"The night is fading, heart is racing. so just come and love me like we're going to die."



My throat hurts again, and feels like its swollen or something.... being sick sucks ass.....


Sometimes I feel like Jared doesnt trust me.... doesnt believe in me... as well as not believing in himself when he said that he thought I changed my mind about him. And I seriously wanted to cry. Yes I hate the fact that we are so different, but that wouldnt mean I would just change my mind. Something huge and life changing would have to change my mind about him.



Just a thought... Imagine you could start all over, and live it how you want to.... would you start living it right now?


I wish I had a place to be alone with Jared.... Just so we can watch a movie and fall asleep, than wake up in the morning to make pancakes :]