Fat

I think im getting fat o.o
and its rather annoying.

Sometimes I wish I was pretty enough for photographers to come to me..... or I wish I could like, finally have my big break, which i'll never get....

Lastnight Jared said I was the hottest girl hes ever dated..... ok.... hes dated two people... woow... makes me feel so.... =/ not hot.

Yesterday I was looking though someone's work http://cameradude.deviantart.com/ and wow,.... I love it. very captive....

Lately I've been sick, which has been making me feel ugly looking... and I know this is a rather annoying topic, and every girl feels this way, but really... I've been too lazy & busy to go work out, and my face looks like shit. I look like I've aged! >.>
I mean, I look uglier than those hot druggies! Now thats horrible!



-sigh- so this photoshoot today got canceled.... but another photographer said he would shoot, but now the model is mixing times up, ah, this whole thing is getting complicated....

To be honestly, I just want to shoot with Jared....
On the more simple lines of modeling.... and not goth. Like I do, but that'll come later :]


I wish I could see my babe today, but than again, I wish I could see him everyday... I wish I could just sleep over at his house for a few days in a row, and focus on getting a shop.... But I dont really know what is expensive, what is too cheap, what is fake, and what is real.... I dont know where the good part of town is, and the horrible... a house, and a store, a house that we can turn into a store, and a house that we cant.... I need to know EXACTLY what business license I need for selling clothes, jewelry, tickets, glow toys, music, I also need to know what business license I need for selling food and drinks.... I than need to know what I'll be selling, and ALL the places that i'll be buying from,... I also than need to know what will be going in the cafe,.... I also than need to find a place to buy all my racks and hangers,.... than I need to know about hiring people, and giving health insurance and benefits... I also want to have this store online as well....

It seems so easy with all the mexicans and their little cheap clothing stores.... and those koreiens with their donut shops.... and there are so many of them.... its got to be easy right? and all those chinese people selling their stuff in the mall....

of course I need to do this all on my own, and my dad is willing to help, but I have to make the first big step alone... so says he... but the first big step is like, taller than I am. If someone could just give me a ladder, than I'd be perfectly fine... but no one has given me a ladder.... just a step stool....

I just feel like picking up the phone, and calling SOMEONE and asking 'I want a goth store, two stories, and the top story is going to be a cafe.... what do I need to do, where do I need to go' but I dont even know who to call about that!

That was another reason why I was supposed to move to cali.... my cousin owns his own yogurt shop, and was gonna open one in Turlock,... and I was going to be the manager, and that was going to help me with things I need to know about how to open my own shop, but yea, I cant really ask him cause I dont even know how to get ahold of him, considering he is my step cousin, and I dont really talk to that side of the family except my grandpa... and hed probably get mad if I just called and asked for his number.... or tell me im wasting my time on opening my own shop cause Im too damn stupid....

speaking of my grandpa, I was trying to look him up on google, to look for his last name, and my grandma and dad came up....
you know whats funny? I think I told Jared that once you live in turlock, you always go back....
Well, I kinda forgot to mention.........
Bass's mom used to live in Turlock.... and Richie's dad used to live in turlock.....
Well.... see, we are all tied up, and didnt even know it.

Marie, bass's mom, Richie's dad [i forgot his name], and my dad, all went to high school together.... marie didnt really know richie's dad very well.... and my dad didnt know any of them.... but they all went to school TOGETHER... no, not went to the same school at different times,... they went TOGETHER.... yea, sure, marie was a freshie, and a geek, and my dad was a skateboarder and probably a senior, and richie's dad was in the band... not 'a' band... THE band.. the.... SCHOOL band xDD haha.

ok, so they all went to school with each other, than at one point of time, richie went to school there, and ronnie did, and Damien did, and bass went to night school there, maybe attended a year there too, idk... Well, at least I didnt go there, but now my lil cousin goes there, my grandma went there I think... my step grandpa did for sure... and bass is 18, ronnie is 19, damien is 22 Richie is 25....
and non of them really went to school TOGETHER.... or talked to each other in high school [please note... ronnie got kicked out of school, and damien and richie dropped out.... I think rosa and steve dropped out too]
and ok, it sounds like the crew is this small.... but let me really name EVERYONE that is part of the crew, or was till I left... every time I leave somewhere, everthing falls apart...
The crew is in sets of 3, but we all combine and make one huge crew...


My crew: Ronnie, Rosa, [ronnie's sister] Steve [rosa's bf, now ex] Damien, Alayna [Damien's baby's mommy, and now back to dating] Me [was known as ronnie's gf] Brendish [didnt hang out with us too much. Rich's cousin]

Juan [sorta ish part of the crew, would be known as my brother]

Not my crew, but my friends: Jessica [part of the crew, but partly not] Michelle [sorta, not really part of the crew, part of Jessica's crew, and later was Jessicas... bf,...gf? idk] Than Jessica's brother... idk what his name is. Stacia, Thomas, Ben.

Other Thomas [gay, but not gay thomas. No, he is not bi, he just sounds gay] Thomas's brother [not part of the crew, but he was always at our parties]

Than on a regular basis, we saw Aundrea [stupid bitch.... Rich's lil sister] Angel, and Kami [who were also part of my crew]


Than there is Bass.... So this part is going to get confusing...
Bass lived in turlock at one point of time.... and when I lived there, he might have been going to turlock high.... but the thing is, I've seen bass plenty of times, but usually only for a split second.... There was only one time I actually had a good look at him, and thats because he was going to drive me at 3 am to my grandma's house so I could stay out longer with ronnie....
I didnt know Bass when I LIVED in turlock.... they told me who he was, but I cant even remember it...
I've met his brother [drew] plenty of times though... thats how I know i've met bass, cause bass was driving drew's truck, and drove us to parties and such...

Bass was part of the crew till we started talking online.... and on the phone, and ronnie found out [after we brokeup] and your friends never date your ex's.... so to Ronnie, Bass was no longer a friend....

Than Rich got bass's lil sis preggo, and Drew wanted to beat rich up, and everyone thinks bass set him up....

After that, Bass and Drew were no longer part of the crew.... But than supposidly Rich forgave bass, and so did Damien and Alayna was never mad.... and I forgave him....

But than after I got kicked out, Rich thought that was bullshit, and when Bass wanted to have rich come over about the whole baby thing, Rich suddenly seemed like he wanted nothing to do with him, and as far as I know.... Damien has not spoken to Bass since I left california.....

so idk whats going on. I know, this must be the most confusing story ever.... so im done talking about turlock.
Oh, and baby Tistan is now part of the crew :]


anyways, I miss my babe so friggen much! =[ I wish he was here to take care of me.... oh, and im totally mad at him cause he doesnt want to call me beautiful, cause hes afraid he'd spell it wrong... thats the worst excuse i've ever heard.... that is also why i use t9 lol

I wish I could be laying in his arms right now...... ='(