heart

Im sitting here with a box of tissues.... really not wanting to go to work on Monday.... Im going to hate it soooo much. I dont need a job..... I just did it to make my dad happy.... Than I thought of who does things for me to try and make me happy..... uh... no one. Jared, yes.... but he does that just by being himself....
But I feel like no one would go out of their way to make me happy....


"A heart is like glass, dropped once, broken forever,
& even if the pieces finally get put back together
it will never be the same."


So I've been down in the dumps ever since I came home.... Watching that stupid movie 50 first dates... seriously.... what guy would ever do that? anyways, whatever. I think this sickness is getting to my head.

Im talking to Juan right now.... and I think hes missing Turlock just as much as I am. it suchs.


"Your real friends aren't necessarily the people you spend the most time with
but the people you share the best memories with."



"Girls are superheroes.
Who else could bleed for a week or a month and not die?"

chip just came into the room. "You know what time it is?"
Me [with a sick voice] "12:12.... happy birthday"



"I couldnt see you, but I really just wanted to shout 'I love you' at the top of my lungs, and hope you'd hear me"

so today I got something for my mom for mother's day.... Jared didnt know that my mom's ashes were sitting in my room.... I miss her so much....






1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT Ring?
Yes..... and its in my room

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
2 years, and we were hooked up for almost 2 years.... so kinda 4

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
gift? I guess my steamer would be a gift :]

4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
alot.... when I get so angry to the point I feel like breaking things I have to drop the call

5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
before I went to cali

6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
food, lip-service.com, and my storage unit bill

7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
a piece of bread

8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
hair.... clothes, teeth, eyes, smile, body type mostly in that order, unless the body type is like.... HELLA noticable than yea, obviously that

9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
Dream by priscilla ahn and The Box by Thermostatic

10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
by federal and 104th

11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
El camino highschool

12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
Cricket

13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
oceanside mall cause you run into so many fricken people

14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:
1 year?

15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
Nope

16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:
not since I was young

17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
only wedding... my step aunt and my uncles

18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
Jared or Juan than ronnie and rich to get their asses out here and I wouldnt tell anyone else

19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:
9 months =[

20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
chipotle

21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
I was trying to get you preg so you wouldnt leave me
but than again.....

23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
in-and-out

24. CAN YOU COOK?
yea

25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
None

26. BEST KISSER:
=/

27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
idk, a few nights ago

28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
veggies

29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
My booty! <--- well shes not full of herself at all
thing I like most about myself..... um..... to be honest? absolutely nothing.... I hate my face, body, skin, skin tone, hair eyes, everything, than I also hate my attitude, and my overly caring personality, my smart ass ness and my stupidness.... yup... I seriously do no tlike anything about me. I do like my taste in photography.... jus need to learn more of how to do what i want to do

30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
read above but mostly my flat ass!!!!!!!!! =[

32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?:
cant remember

33. FAVORITE MOVIE?
the last unicorn, and land before time 1

34. CAN YOU SING?
ha, I wish

35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
er...... does a gig count?

36. LAST KISS?
jared

37. LAST MOVIE RENTED:
the step father which I didnt even get to fucking see!

38.ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
my clothes

39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT:
spot? TURLOCK BITCHES!!!!!!!

43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:
Laptop....

44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?
Idk

45. DO YOU SMOKE?
fuck no

46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
With

47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?:
muggle

48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?:
they do with me....

49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
er...... never? not while i was driving

50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
FRENCH TOAST ALL THE FUCKING WAY!!!! omg, i'd love you to death if you could cook that really good

51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:
yuck

52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
scrambled without any addings or fluffing

53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:
Kinda

54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:
my dad

55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:
Andrew

56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?:
ok ill sine in - I think he ment to say 'sign'

58 NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:
2

59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
pjs

60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:
driving nails into my soul, driving angels from my door

61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?:
normal grape

62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:
hahaaa!!! noooo


63. CAN YOU SWIM?
yea

64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?:
depends on my mood..... plain vanilla, moose tracks, cookies n' cream, or..... yea

65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
yes?

66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:
I will always be very very VERY insecure about my body

68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?:
yes

69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON:
Summer!

70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
er..... idk

71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING?:
10 something.... well I was kinda awake by 8:30



72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?:
christmas.... which usually takes place in turlock :]

73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?:
parking tickets

75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?:
other than fish.... cherry I think his name was.... rabbit with red eyes

76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?
hecka cool :] I wish I had all my pirate garb but bass has them

77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND??
tomorrow..... not sure

78. BIRTHDATE:
09-02-89

79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?:
a shop owner, and a model

85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?:
dur

87. ARE YOU SMILING?:
no

89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?:
yes

90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?:
turlock.... or.... idk, I dont care

92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?:
lol nopes

93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?:
more than a crush

94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
favorite name?

95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?:
black and purple

96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:
june

97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?:
no =/

98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?:
no

99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?:
a half sister
100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?:
dont have one

101. ARE YOU IN LOVE?:
---

102. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?:
not for myself

103. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?:
a few people yes

104. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?
nope

105. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY?:
Nothing






Happy Mother's Day mom.... Wish you could see how much Jared makes me smile.



Me and Klaa had a small conversation about whats 'normal'
Nothing is normal.... you look at a goth person and think 'thats abnormal' and a goth person would think 'we [us] in a group are normal'


I think Jared got irritated with me when I kept asking if he wanted to do the shoot, and wanted to wear Klaa's clothes..... I dont want to change him,.... Im just kinda used to having someone with more of my style,.... I just wanted to see what he'd look like in certain things..... I hope he doesnt think I was trying to force him to wear certain things, or wanting to change his clothing style



I miss him,... a lot. I wish He would know how much I like him