I dont trust you...

dont get me wrong... I trust YOU, but I dont trust anyone else....
but your boyfriends and girlfriends are SUPPOSED to trust you... and your supposed to trust them...

but who else can I trust? for once, I want someone on my side...
I want someone to fight for me...
I want someone to be against chip and andrew...
I want someone to be against Bass...
I know your against all of them, but I want someone who can stick up for me, someone who isnt afraid to stick up for me.... [you kinda cant]
I want someone who was friends with chip and andrew to tell them they are wrong for what they did...
I want Damien to tell Bass he was wrong for what he did....
but I know Damien isnt just going to drop bass after being friends with him for years and years...
I trust D, but I dont trust him enough. I dont really trust that he'll get all of my stuff, and drop it off at my grandparent's house...
I dont trust rich, ronnie, no one...

I trust you, and I trust Juan, but what do I need to put my trust into for Juan? all I need to trust him with is to love me like a sister for ever,...
thats it.

I dont understand why I give out so much love to people,.... and in return, I get nothing... I dont get any sort of friendship back, I dont get any love back. Thats all I want.... is for me to put effort into someone, and for their friendship, and love in return... Not friendship like,... 'oh, we're friends' No.... I mean 'yea, she's my friend, and shes my family'

Lately Damien [and you] have been the only ones who i've felt that cares... Klaa yes, but klaa wouldnt call me on the phone saying he is going to get my money back for me, or make me laugh when im down, or anything.

I mean, even damien can betray me, but I hope he never does...
I mean, I was so down when I lived in cali, and I posted something, and Chip sent me a video of himself, telling me how much he cares, and to cheer up...
Sounds like a great caring friend right? to send me a 'video' who does that?
well chip did.... and chip betrayed me...

anyone can betray me...
and sometimes I sit and think...
'why even bother helping people anymore?'
I still think about Bass, Andrew, and Chip.... and sometimes I wish I could just find them, jump on their back, and rip their head off...

the damaged and quiet people are the ones you want to fear the most....
because you know they can survive.... and what do you think they are thinking about 24/7 when they dont say a single word?

Well what would YOU think about?
I have a bf, who im not planning of ever leaving....
I already have my store all planned out...
Im not really doing much in the week unless im with my bf....
what do you think a quiet dark little girl would be thinking about when she's not speaking?

Sure im afraid of the dark,... sure I think a lot of things are gross... sure I cant watch someone ripping people's finger nails off,...
but you dont think that I have thoughts of getting revenge?

When your so alone and the only one there for you is your bf who cant do anything....
you feel hopeless....
even if you could do something about it.... its not the same as to have someone who was involved with these people, who would effect 'their' lives more....
like if kayla told chip he was wrong,...
and if Damien told bass he was wrong...
than I wouldnt feel like the world is such a cruel place....
I would actually feel like people understood...

I have friends who say they are here to listen... or they are here for me... but what does that mean? Why do I need someone to listen to me? That's not helping me... When your here for me, what does that mean? for you to pat my back and say its alright? No!! I dont need that! I could fucking pat my own back and say everything will be ok, but nothing will ever be ok.

If I could...
I wouldnt sit in the corner, staring off into space thinking...
I'd be out tehre, with my head down, I'd be alone, I'd be wearing my little black dress... I'd walk in the rain, and I'd be caring a knife,... I'd be caring a gun... one that no one even knew I had on me.
I'd be the little scary girl no one would have ever expected.

I'd cut open your chest and take out your heart...
I'll burn down your house and lock you inside....
I'd take over her body, and say so many words, just so you can feel the pain.
I'd take away all your memories, and leave you with nothing.
I'd give you a bad record so you could never get a job,...
I'd take out your brain so you could never outsmart me.



But they are only thoughts.....