Stand Off

Where do I stand in life?
I dont know. I dont know where im going, or what im doing.

this is probably the last thing you want to read after a long days of work....
but I <3 you, I really do... but sometimes I wish you were different.
sometimes I wish your hair looked different... I absolutely despise the military hair cut.. or whatever you want to call it. Its one main reason why I would never date someone in the armed force....
Im a hair person...
it USUALLY goes by...
Personality, hair, music group, eyes, body type, height, teeth, respect.... like in that order sorta.

Sometimes when your super hyper, I think your kinda weird :(
your cigs make your breath smell like you dont brush your teeth, and idk why that is cause its usually not like that...
and you find the perfect ways to get on my nerves.
You can never understand me, and.....

lets face it, we're not perfect, no one is....
but the fact is, is that I <3 you,... please dont forget that,...

But I will think about the past very often....
and I understand you'll get jealous, but there is nothing I can change about the past. I've been hiding it so long...
but I miss the past... and I wish..... :( I wish nothing bad had happened,...
as much as im glad I met you, I still wish that I was in the past.

Im not going to leave you,.... your not boring me, its just different for me. Im used to punks, goths, metal heads....
I wont flirt with anyone, I wont really even 'look' at anyone....
I might wish you looked like someone,... with longer hair or tattoos or you were taller, but thats not really 'looking at someone'

v.v I will look at Ronnie's pictures from time to time... and I will miss him...
But there is nothing I could do even if he wanted to be with me.

And Im sorry... I really am. and I hope this doesnt change things.
Like I said, I broke up with him for no real reason... just mis communication.

I know I need to let go, but I dont really have to... he is someone who made me happy at one point of time...
and he never said anything like 'i'll erase every part of you from my mind' or 'I never liked you in the first place'
He never said anything to hurt me... ever. Just... tried to get me preg. Yea, that sounds bad and horrible... but he never tried to hurt my feelings.

So when you had someone in your life... giving you everything they could give you,... why should I erase that from my memory? Why should I just throw that all away? He gave me his time, and tried to make me happy.

How many people tried to make you happy? Now how many people of those people told you to fuck off afterwords? or hurt you?

Let me count all my friends and bfs I could remember.
Im going to start with people I still am in contact [or at least somewhat]
Michelle
Abby
Kristina
Kristel
Bree'Aunna
Cynthia
Taz
Dom
Duaine
Donnie
Josh
Corin
Clair
Derrick
KC
Ryan
Lex
Damien
Richie
Ronnie
Rosa
Juan
Zack
Bass
Chip
Andrew
Jessika
You

now who have I said fuck off to?
Donnie
Bass
Chip
Andrew
Lex

Who screwed me over first?
Donnie
Bass
Chip
Andrew
Lex [but I kinda didnt like her after I found out how she really was]

Who ditched me when school was over?
Kristina
Kristel
Bree'Aunna
Cynthia
Taz
Clair
KC


Who have I given a second chance to [because THEY screwed up]
Donnie

Who screwed me over again?
Donnie

Who am I still friends with? [that I talk to somewhat often?]
Michelle
Kristel
Bree'Aunna
Cynthia
Donnie [we're not friends but he checks up on me if im still alive]
Derrick
Damien
Richie
Ronnie [not REALLY friends but we've talked with in the past 2 weeks]
Juan
Zack
Jessika
You


Who gave me their life? [dating or BEST friend] [not counting short bfs]
Michelle [we were the BEST friends]
Duaine [he broke up with me first, than I got bored with him]
Josh [broke up with me cause he was being rude to his mom only when I was around]
Donnie [he cheated on me with like 7 girls while I lived in his house]
Derrick [lived in his house, he lived in mine, broke up with him cause fights]
Ronnie [broke up with him cause he missed his ex, but didnt necessarily wanted to leave me]
Juan [my other BEST friend]
Bass [cheated, and ditched me]
You

Who am I REALLY friends with and talk to often that are in my everyday life?
Derrick
Damien
Juan [not everyday, maybe once a week]
Jessika
You


Please note, I've had a LOT more friends than this, but Im not going to name them all.


so you see? the people that had made you most happy, wont always be there forever in your life.... and the people that never fucked you over, but simply just faded away... you've got to remember them......

So Im going to tell you this now...
I wear one or Ronnie's rings often... I have a letter from him hanging on my wall.... I have a drawing of us on the ceiling [sorta] I have a rose from him ontop of a box on the dresser, I have his thing he made me hanging in my car......

I have pictures of us in a hidden folder on myspace so they'll never get lost.

though me and derrick fought a lot,... I have his rings, and his engagement ring still and his shirt... I also have pictures of him on myspace hidden.

Though Donnie fucked me over big time... I have his necklace and pictures of him hidden on myspace.

Bass,... I have his shirt and hidden pictures

I have pictures of Duaine, Donnie, Derrick, and Ronnie's pictures in my photo album in my room...

Josh... I have printed paper pictures of him in my safety memory box...

Ronnie is the only one I miss the most, as you can tell.... and im sorry. I was never ready to leave him....

But when I tell you I want to be with you, and have a life with you Jared.... Please believe me.

no one is perfect, Im not perfect, no one is....
I <3 you,... I really do. believe me....
but my heart is still set on the past, as its set on you as well