I dont trust you...

dont get me wrong... I trust YOU, but I dont trust anyone else....
but your boyfriends and girlfriends are SUPPOSED to trust you... and your supposed to trust them...

but who else can I trust? for once, I want someone on my side...
I want someone to fight for me...
I want someone to be against chip and andrew...
I want someone to be against Bass...
I know your against all of them, but I want someone who can stick up for me, someone who isnt afraid to stick up for me.... [you kinda cant]
I want someone who was friends with chip and andrew to tell them they are wrong for what they did...
I want Damien to tell Bass he was wrong for what he did....
but I know Damien isnt just going to drop bass after being friends with him for years and years...
I trust D, but I dont trust him enough. I dont really trust that he'll get all of my stuff, and drop it off at my grandparent's house...
I dont trust rich, ronnie, no one...

I trust you, and I trust Juan, but what do I need to put my trust into for Juan? all I need to trust him with is to love me like a sister for ever,...
thats it.

I dont understand why I give out so much love to people,.... and in return, I get nothing... I dont get any sort of friendship back, I dont get any love back. Thats all I want.... is for me to put effort into someone, and for their friendship, and love in return... Not friendship like,... 'oh, we're friends' No.... I mean 'yea, she's my friend, and shes my family'

Lately Damien [and you] have been the only ones who i've felt that cares... Klaa yes, but klaa wouldnt call me on the phone saying he is going to get my money back for me, or make me laugh when im down, or anything.

I mean, even damien can betray me, but I hope he never does...
I mean, I was so down when I lived in cali, and I posted something, and Chip sent me a video of himself, telling me how much he cares, and to cheer up...
Sounds like a great caring friend right? to send me a 'video' who does that?
well chip did.... and chip betrayed me...

anyone can betray me...
and sometimes I sit and think...
'why even bother helping people anymore?'
I still think about Bass, Andrew, and Chip.... and sometimes I wish I could just find them, jump on their back, and rip their head off...

the damaged and quiet people are the ones you want to fear the most....
because you know they can survive.... and what do you think they are thinking about 24/7 when they dont say a single word?

Well what would YOU think about?
I have a bf, who im not planning of ever leaving....
I already have my store all planned out...
Im not really doing much in the week unless im with my bf....
what do you think a quiet dark little girl would be thinking about when she's not speaking?

Sure im afraid of the dark,... sure I think a lot of things are gross... sure I cant watch someone ripping people's finger nails off,...
but you dont think that I have thoughts of getting revenge?

When your so alone and the only one there for you is your bf who cant do anything....
you feel hopeless....
even if you could do something about it.... its not the same as to have someone who was involved with these people, who would effect 'their' lives more....
like if kayla told chip he was wrong,...
and if Damien told bass he was wrong...
than I wouldnt feel like the world is such a cruel place....
I would actually feel like people understood...

I have friends who say they are here to listen... or they are here for me... but what does that mean? Why do I need someone to listen to me? That's not helping me... When your here for me, what does that mean? for you to pat my back and say its alright? No!! I dont need that! I could fucking pat my own back and say everything will be ok, but nothing will ever be ok.

If I could...
I wouldnt sit in the corner, staring off into space thinking...
I'd be out tehre, with my head down, I'd be alone, I'd be wearing my little black dress... I'd walk in the rain, and I'd be caring a knife,... I'd be caring a gun... one that no one even knew I had on me.
I'd be the little scary girl no one would have ever expected.

I'd cut open your chest and take out your heart...
I'll burn down your house and lock you inside....
I'd take over her body, and say so many words, just so you can feel the pain.
I'd take away all your memories, and leave you with nothing.
I'd give you a bad record so you could never get a job,...
I'd take out your brain so you could never outsmart me.



But they are only thoughts.....

Stand Off

Where do I stand in life?
I dont know. I dont know where im going, or what im doing.

this is probably the last thing you want to read after a long days of work....
but I <3 you, I really do... but sometimes I wish you were different.
sometimes I wish your hair looked different... I absolutely despise the military hair cut.. or whatever you want to call it. Its one main reason why I would never date someone in the armed force....
Im a hair person...
it USUALLY goes by...
Personality, hair, music group, eyes, body type, height, teeth, respect.... like in that order sorta.

Sometimes when your super hyper, I think your kinda weird :(
your cigs make your breath smell like you dont brush your teeth, and idk why that is cause its usually not like that...
and you find the perfect ways to get on my nerves.
You can never understand me, and.....

lets face it, we're not perfect, no one is....
but the fact is, is that I <3 you,... please dont forget that,...

But I will think about the past very often....
and I understand you'll get jealous, but there is nothing I can change about the past. I've been hiding it so long...
but I miss the past... and I wish..... :( I wish nothing bad had happened,...
as much as im glad I met you, I still wish that I was in the past.

Im not going to leave you,.... your not boring me, its just different for me. Im used to punks, goths, metal heads....
I wont flirt with anyone, I wont really even 'look' at anyone....
I might wish you looked like someone,... with longer hair or tattoos or you were taller, but thats not really 'looking at someone'

v.v I will look at Ronnie's pictures from time to time... and I will miss him...
But there is nothing I could do even if he wanted to be with me.

And Im sorry... I really am. and I hope this doesnt change things.
Like I said, I broke up with him for no real reason... just mis communication.

I know I need to let go, but I dont really have to... he is someone who made me happy at one point of time...
and he never said anything like 'i'll erase every part of you from my mind' or 'I never liked you in the first place'
He never said anything to hurt me... ever. Just... tried to get me preg. Yea, that sounds bad and horrible... but he never tried to hurt my feelings.

So when you had someone in your life... giving you everything they could give you,... why should I erase that from my memory? Why should I just throw that all away? He gave me his time, and tried to make me happy.

How many people tried to make you happy? Now how many people of those people told you to fuck off afterwords? or hurt you?

Let me count all my friends and bfs I could remember.
Im going to start with people I still am in contact [or at least somewhat]
Michelle
Abby
Kristina
Kristel
Bree'Aunna
Cynthia
Taz
Dom
Duaine
Donnie
Josh
Corin
Clair
Derrick
KC
Ryan
Lex
Damien
Richie
Ronnie
Rosa
Juan
Zack
Bass
Chip
Andrew
Jessika
You

now who have I said fuck off to?
Donnie
Bass
Chip
Andrew
Lex

Who screwed me over first?
Donnie
Bass
Chip
Andrew
Lex [but I kinda didnt like her after I found out how she really was]

Who ditched me when school was over?
Kristina
Kristel
Bree'Aunna
Cynthia
Taz
Clair
KC


Who have I given a second chance to [because THEY screwed up]
Donnie

Who screwed me over again?
Donnie

Who am I still friends with? [that I talk to somewhat often?]
Michelle
Kristel
Bree'Aunna
Cynthia
Donnie [we're not friends but he checks up on me if im still alive]
Derrick
Damien
Richie
Ronnie [not REALLY friends but we've talked with in the past 2 weeks]
Juan
Zack
Jessika
You


Who gave me their life? [dating or BEST friend] [not counting short bfs]
Michelle [we were the BEST friends]
Duaine [he broke up with me first, than I got bored with him]
Josh [broke up with me cause he was being rude to his mom only when I was around]
Donnie [he cheated on me with like 7 girls while I lived in his house]
Derrick [lived in his house, he lived in mine, broke up with him cause fights]
Ronnie [broke up with him cause he missed his ex, but didnt necessarily wanted to leave me]
Juan [my other BEST friend]
Bass [cheated, and ditched me]
You

Who am I REALLY friends with and talk to often that are in my everyday life?
Derrick
Damien
Juan [not everyday, maybe once a week]
Jessika
You


Please note, I've had a LOT more friends than this, but Im not going to name them all.


so you see? the people that had made you most happy, wont always be there forever in your life.... and the people that never fucked you over, but simply just faded away... you've got to remember them......

So Im going to tell you this now...
I wear one or Ronnie's rings often... I have a letter from him hanging on my wall.... I have a drawing of us on the ceiling [sorta] I have a rose from him ontop of a box on the dresser, I have his thing he made me hanging in my car......

I have pictures of us in a hidden folder on myspace so they'll never get lost.

though me and derrick fought a lot,... I have his rings, and his engagement ring still and his shirt... I also have pictures of him on myspace hidden.

Though Donnie fucked me over big time... I have his necklace and pictures of him hidden on myspace.

Bass,... I have his shirt and hidden pictures

I have pictures of Duaine, Donnie, Derrick, and Ronnie's pictures in my photo album in my room...

Josh... I have printed paper pictures of him in my safety memory box...

Ronnie is the only one I miss the most, as you can tell.... and im sorry. I was never ready to leave him....

But when I tell you I want to be with you, and have a life with you Jared.... Please believe me.

no one is perfect, Im not perfect, no one is....
I <3 you,... I really do. believe me....
but my heart is still set on the past, as its set on you as well

??

ok, so Im irritated and frustrated...
because a 'friend' of mine was trying to tell me where good places for a goth store would be, which i didnt mind, but than he started going on about you, that you have a record, and thats going to fuck with me. if you work for me, that'll be bad on the business record,... than if I live with you in an apartment, banks will see that, and will make it harder for me to get a loan for a store.
I totally didnt think about that.......

but im sure there are ways to get around it, right?

but im irritated because i felt like he was trying to get me to break up with you. and dont ask who it is,... or ima get upset.

[he is not an ex of mine] but oh well.... im willing to go through that for you,.... but would have been nice to been told all that stuff from you than some person.

Its OVER!!

I.... hate my face.
I just want to be on a tattoo magazine...
than I want to quit modeling
how do people get it so god dang easy??
They hardly even try!
and.... yea,....
all I want to do is try my hardest to get on a tattoo magazine, and thats it.

Horror

You might have seen something I posted on facebook about being scared of the walking dead, and 'things in the dark' as my phobias..
Well thats just another reason why I want you to be around all the time.
Sometimes I'll turn the light on in my bathroom, and than go turn the light off in the kitchen, and pretty much run back to my room because i get stupid visions of something running after me in a really creepy way =[
yes, I freak myself out by thinking like that. haha. gooo me.

anyways, you may say you love me and such, but I wont say it back till I find the perfect time and such to do it...
I was planning of doing it like last week, and im still debating if thats how I still wanna do it. I couldnt do it cause you ruined my plans xD

Ever Thought...

Ever thought That someone argues with you because that is the only person they can argue with?
Maybe its their way of saving themselves by letting all the stress out....
maybe your ex was just so stressed that thats all she knew how to do...
But at least thats not why you left her.

you know, today you said you would do that fishing shit.... from deadliest catch...
I think I would die if you went out there and left for long periods of time, little food, freezing ass cold, and have the chance of death....

Oh, You need to learn how to cook babe.



I'd really like to stay up one night, or a few actually, one night to stay up all night and talk, and the next night to sleep in all night.
I want to be able to not worry about getting up early, or going somewhere in a rush. I just want to relax....

Im sorry to say... but....

Im sorry for being so rude and mean and hasty and angry and upset.....
But I'll find a way to make it up to you. I feel bad.... Every time I say something negative to you, about you, or something, Im sure you feel hurt.... but if you dont, good, cause im just saying that out of stress and anger, and I dont mean to take it out on you.... I really shouldnt.

Thats kinda why tomorrow I just want to chill and relax. It may seem boring, but I just want to have a few relaxing days..... Im hoping it'll make my stress go away.
And all I want for you, is to be happy.... You make me happy, even though you stress me out lol...

So either Ima make it up to you by getting you something, or...... idk yet, but i'll figure something out