kids....

When I told you I had a dream about being pregnant....
You told me that, thats not what we need right now....
I fucking know I wouldnt be able to handle a kid right now, shit.
But you... you telling me thats not what 'we' need right now?
dude, If I REALLY wanted a kid, I'd go get a fucking loan, and go adopt my own kid!
You can not,... can not! tell me thats not what 'we' need right now.
you can tell me thats not what 'you' need.

Jared,... it was a dream.... a... DREAM!
Like,.... I cant even kid around my dad about that stuff... I cant even tell you I had a dream. I cant say anything without you two like, telling me what im allowed to do, when im allowed to do it, and how im allowed to think it.
Im only allowed to tell you 'IF or WHEN I have kids'

Like, I dont even want kids anymore.


My last relationship.... It was 'when WE have kids... we're gonna have kids, we're gonna get married when I come back' and that wasnt coming from me... that was coming from him.

We've talked about kids,.... I've never said I wanted your kids.... maybe this is why.... Because if I had, and every time you'd just say 'this isnt what we need right now' well idk what I'd do with myself. Im sorry I said that though. I didnt mean to really say that. I said it cause I was hurt... and I felt like you were hurting me on purpose

Its like, if you even wanted to be with me forever, its like, if you said you had a dream that we were married,...
and all I said was:
:/ Thats not what we need right now.


Seriously! How do you think that made me feel?

My Best Friends....

My best friends are never my best friends to begin with...
They are all just people who tell me that they can handle me,... that we'll be friends forever.... that we're a family,...

And all of those are just lies.... always.

People I've dated say that we'll always be friends, or they will always love me....
I have a few of those.... but its not enough to call it friendship.

It doesnt matter if you grew up with someone.... It doesnt matter if you spent every single day with them for 5 years,....

It doesnt matter if you told them your deepest darkest secrets.... There is no such thing as 'best friends forever'

Not in my book,... but,.... I still hope you will be....
I hope you never hate me,... I hope you dont see like the others do. I hope that you see me different in your eyes... But than I hope you see it, and I hope that your sight never grows old.

Im no damsel in distress, but your still my hero.
Im not homeless, but your still my shelter.
Im not heart broken, but you still gave me your heart.


Im tired of people fighting over a guy, or guys getting mad for their friends dating their exs....
Im tired of girls getting jealous of each other's looks...
or money, or whatever....
Sometimes Im scared to think, to do,... I express my feelings by typing, and responses....
But sometimes letting my friends know how I feel no longer cuts it.... No one cares about what their best friend has to cry about... Its every man for themself....

I can tell you what your doing is wrong,... and you'll hate me for that,... even if Im trying to give you advice,... you'll hate me for that,... If I know something will bring you down,... You'll hate me for that.
Choose what you want with your own life,... Im just trying to point things out.


IDK where I was going with this anymore.... but I just wish there was more people out there that were more understanding, or accepted that people dont like certain things.....

I wish I had friends that would consider me as family...
Its hard to find people like that...

I thank you Jared, for being there for me

Lullaby

Yesterday I wrote a blog about missing Turlock...
And how I miss people,... and how Im not happy...
And the last think I remember thinking before finally falling alseep lastnight was how lucky I am to have a boyfriend who will put up with all my drama, all my sadness, and the fact that I miss California so much.
Sometimes I wonder what goes through your mind when im upset, or crying.
I seem to always have so much feelings, I complain about so much,...
And than when something happens to you, well, you either yell,... and then it seems like you dont want to talk about it at all.
Well, when im crying, I dont want to talk about it,.... but I do tend to just want to cling onto you and let it all out without a word


Why you love me so much is beyond me....

singing

wow,..... so im like comfortable singing around you now.... not just singing under my breath.... but yay, way to go you....
eventhough you kinda laughed when i started singing that one song....
now all you have to wait for is for me to start singing crazy and weird and stuff,.... thats when Im like pretty much almost 100% comfortable around you...
Im already pretty much there, but once I can start acting crazy, thats like, your plus :]

Hello there

Im very tired, and wanting to take a nap before class...
Im really hoping that you can get the car fixed,.... but if not, please dont get toooo stressed out. It makes me sad when your all angry, and I just want to pull you out from under the car and just cling onto you.

anyways I love you babe.....

pictures!!!

ok, so I didnt know what to post.... so ima just do this :]
sorry for the HUGE pictures..... idk what exactly I was doing... but here you go :]
and as you can tell, I didnt post any of me jess and ronnie, cause you've probably already seen them all on myspace and fb
for all the super huge pictures, please just 'click' on them




I miss my punk friends









we always... ALWAYS hung out at my house when I lived with my aunt... idk why... everyone loved my mom... maybe thats why lol







this is clair... she is now preggo



[wow, you just said you were waiting for me to run after you..... yet again.... you make me feel like shit. I feel like crying now...... ]







this is how 'emo' I was



my great grandma's farm


my grandma's bathroom

and I think that shirt says 'i <3 skater boys'



she looks like a boy now.... and it sucks seeing her like that now





remember I told you about a girl named cynthia? and how she was with her boy for 3 years.... than they broke up? this is how close of friends we used to be





I was like... 17?


I LOVE this picture I took of my cousins :]


thats robbi, ricky, and karrisa [sp]
robby is in high school now,... ricky was molested by a family friend, and karrisa is a spoiled brat!!! who now has a little sister named theta

this is Theta now:


she is super cute!!!



this is karrisa when she was sweet and cute too lol

and this is theta when she was a baby



yay for trying to be a sexy 17 year old....
dude, I like, have the same body still










Jessika cinthia, me, Bree'Aunna [who is now preggo too] and jessika and bree are twins



Derrick and Ryan








Hawaii.... visiting, and visiting Michelle



The big pink... PINK hospital in Hawaii that I was born in




Michelle.... who is also preggo








Abby... she used to be another one of my best friends











age 17...


Me and bree













see how old my clothes are?







my boobs look big xD











that josh dude, the one I said 'oh that guy looks like this kid I went to school with' when we were at the fair

















KCCC!!! I loved KC sooo much.... I have not talked to her for years and years though =[







abby trying to get in the back of Derrick's car, or getting out of derricks car













love the juice


Everyone... I mean EVERYONE called me Bridget.... most people thought that that was my real name






holloween



and of course im a Pirate... idk where that shirt is


me and a different Michelle






I was like 14... uuuugly!!!!



BABY MUGGLE







him when he was SUPER young, with his lil sisters and brothers








Kevin


Taz Dove older brother of Duaine Dove












me and josh

josh m, josh m, and Duaine :] yes,.... the joshes are confusing








IDK and Annistasia [sp] and yes, he was named IDK










donnie





my mom's wedding dress





Donnie & Derrick [before the drama] and Dannie [hes gay ^-^]


it looks like shes lifting me up huh?






duaine and donnie




that stupid stick bitch





me and kevin







MY MOMMY!!!








The only v-day that I have ever been taken out... I was like 16 or 17








nick





me and kristel





me and bold headed alexis >.>




dom... [he is somewhere up top too]


my bday one year
























I miss you soooo much babe