Dear Mr. Boy Toy

I'll miss you sooo much!!!
but i'll come back with something for you. maybe i'll buy you something too... maybe, if I can convince my dad to let me buy stuff. [they sell stuff in SCA events]
your letter thing is soooo cute....
I did that for derrick when I left for a month[actually it was more than that].... I'd give him clues...
He said he didnt find all of them... in my year book I ended up finding like two pictures of me that I stuffed in there.

Im sorry I wont be posting any blogs..... but maybe I'll just try to post alot for you to read.... what do you wnat? stories? feelings? current status drama? old drama?

vampires? werewolves? Humans? [oh my]
I miss you babe.... I hope my class gets out at 9.... like sooooooooo bad. I wanna see you like asap...
I still have a little packing to do.

you should let me borrow a pillow of yours... since your sleeping with one of mine... yea?


Miss ya....
btw, tell me what type of blogs you wanna read while im gone... i'll try and post like... alot

girlfriends

Im not used to my bf's best friends being girls.... even though you spend most of your time with me, it really shouldnt matter....
but I've never had a bf that goes around telling other girls that he loves them....
even if its in a sister and brotherly way.... not that you guys are sisters and brothers or even if you are...
for example, me and Juan call each other 'brother' and 'sister' all the time.... so you already know thats how we are... and once in a blue moon we'll say we love each other, but again, we usually say 'I love you little BROTHER' not just... I love you.

if you were my bf back than in california, yes,.... [like you] I would ditch you to go hang out with Damien... But thats because he has personal problems, and is a depressed person, and me and him talk about poetry, and I try and help him solve his problems....

I dont care that you went to the rave...
but when I sat in my dad's car, watching you two just talk, and than.... ok, you like didnt talk to me at ALL when you were with her except for in the room, which you decided to harass me, and embarrass me infront of her.

either there is something wrong with your friends, or there is something wrong with the people of colorado... which I think its the people of colorado...
because when I get introduced to my bf's friends in california,.... they seem to talk to me, they seem to know how to keep me in the group.... and well the people seem to know how to too!

you like didnt talk to me at ALL in the car on the way there... made me feel like.... all you wanted to do was get to the rave asap and ditch me... just not really that way but kinda

Im not jealous,... Im left out.... Im not just left out, im not used to being the third wheel around my bf...

Butterflies

Where did the cute shyness and butterflies go?
Where is the 'even more romance' go?
The judgment fear... leading me to 'omfg, gotta clean the house before he comes over!' go?
The feeling of the first kiss with every kiss....
The fear of messing up....
The making me blush....

Dont you ever miss the 'before relationships' in middle school? Where you act like you hate each other but you guys are like so madly inlove with each other? And every little thing is such a big deal?
Even just looking at each other gives you butterflies... and you do things to accidentally bump into each other....

But then,... as soon as your dating,... you just take advantage of everything, and dont think much of anything...
after you start dating, holding hands is just holding hands,...
and a kiss is just a kiss.
You think about THEM before you go to bed,... but you dont think about kissing them, or holding their hand....
Not like you would in middle school, where you could think about the first kiss for hours and hours and hours, or think ABOUT kissing them for hours..... and its suuuch a big deal....

The first rose you keep forever... and every rose after that is just a waste.... even a bouquet of roses is a waste....
After your dating, its like the only thing you really appreciate is long walks

Sometimes the first fancy dinner after dating can be not so... romantic.
Its once you figure the person out... all that gives you butterflies now, is them telling you how hard you were to get with, and how nervous they were around you... back before you guys were dating.


You wonder why that is sometimes....
We need to stop fighting.... I need to stop fighting...
Im sorry

polygraph

I wanna take a polygraph to see if my memory loss would get the machine all confused and such....
hm

give that a real thought.
[i'll probably update this when I come home tonight]

but no really, just give it a though about how it would get confused or messed up.

ugh

I give up on like.... EVERYTHING!!!! ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

change...

So I was talking to Derrick and I was telling him how I liked Basshunter and such..
and he said he never knew I was into techno... and I was for a long time...
so I told him that there was alot of things he didnt know about me....
and he told me that I didnt open up to him much...
and I said that I was a very independent person... and that I still am.
and I said something like I never really opened up because of the whole thing with my mom, and deal with that whole thing....

and he said as soon as I found out my mom got cancer.... I was a totally different person. My whole personality changed, and I became more independent, and more of a bitch [well he didnt use those words] I argued alot...

But I was so different.... and I hate the fact everyone has to know me after this change....
Im guessing something clicked in my mind.... and im not 100% sure what it was....
So im sorry that I get irritated all the time.
I guess I dont catch myself... and I just get irritated at everything....
and I hope I wont be like this for forever
so Im sorry

I dont trust you...

dont get me wrong... I trust YOU, but I dont trust anyone else....
but your boyfriends and girlfriends are SUPPOSED to trust you... and your supposed to trust them...

but who else can I trust? for once, I want someone on my side...
I want someone to fight for me...
I want someone to be against chip and andrew...
I want someone to be against Bass...
I know your against all of them, but I want someone who can stick up for me, someone who isnt afraid to stick up for me.... [you kinda cant]
I want someone who was friends with chip and andrew to tell them they are wrong for what they did...
I want Damien to tell Bass he was wrong for what he did....
but I know Damien isnt just going to drop bass after being friends with him for years and years...
I trust D, but I dont trust him enough. I dont really trust that he'll get all of my stuff, and drop it off at my grandparent's house...
I dont trust rich, ronnie, no one...

I trust you, and I trust Juan, but what do I need to put my trust into for Juan? all I need to trust him with is to love me like a sister for ever,...
thats it.

I dont understand why I give out so much love to people,.... and in return, I get nothing... I dont get any sort of friendship back, I dont get any love back. Thats all I want.... is for me to put effort into someone, and for their friendship, and love in return... Not friendship like,... 'oh, we're friends' No.... I mean 'yea, she's my friend, and shes my family'

Lately Damien [and you] have been the only ones who i've felt that cares... Klaa yes, but klaa wouldnt call me on the phone saying he is going to get my money back for me, or make me laugh when im down, or anything.

I mean, even damien can betray me, but I hope he never does...
I mean, I was so down when I lived in cali, and I posted something, and Chip sent me a video of himself, telling me how much he cares, and to cheer up...
Sounds like a great caring friend right? to send me a 'video' who does that?
well chip did.... and chip betrayed me...

anyone can betray me...
and sometimes I sit and think...
'why even bother helping people anymore?'
I still think about Bass, Andrew, and Chip.... and sometimes I wish I could just find them, jump on their back, and rip their head off...

the damaged and quiet people are the ones you want to fear the most....
because you know they can survive.... and what do you think they are thinking about 24/7 when they dont say a single word?

Well what would YOU think about?
I have a bf, who im not planning of ever leaving....
I already have my store all planned out...
Im not really doing much in the week unless im with my bf....
what do you think a quiet dark little girl would be thinking about when she's not speaking?

Sure im afraid of the dark,... sure I think a lot of things are gross... sure I cant watch someone ripping people's finger nails off,...
but you dont think that I have thoughts of getting revenge?

When your so alone and the only one there for you is your bf who cant do anything....
you feel hopeless....
even if you could do something about it.... its not the same as to have someone who was involved with these people, who would effect 'their' lives more....
like if kayla told chip he was wrong,...
and if Damien told bass he was wrong...
than I wouldnt feel like the world is such a cruel place....
I would actually feel like people understood...

I have friends who say they are here to listen... or they are here for me... but what does that mean? Why do I need someone to listen to me? That's not helping me... When your here for me, what does that mean? for you to pat my back and say its alright? No!! I dont need that! I could fucking pat my own back and say everything will be ok, but nothing will ever be ok.

If I could...
I wouldnt sit in the corner, staring off into space thinking...
I'd be out tehre, with my head down, I'd be alone, I'd be wearing my little black dress... I'd walk in the rain, and I'd be caring a knife,... I'd be caring a gun... one that no one even knew I had on me.
I'd be the little scary girl no one would have ever expected.

I'd cut open your chest and take out your heart...
I'll burn down your house and lock you inside....
I'd take over her body, and say so many words, just so you can feel the pain.
I'd take away all your memories, and leave you with nothing.
I'd give you a bad record so you could never get a job,...
I'd take out your brain so you could never outsmart me.



But they are only thoughts.....