Im not bringing up stuff, or complaining, or anything....
Im trying to open up my feelings to you since we havnt talked in a while....
Like really 'talked talked'
So I will write...
and you probably wont like it.
Because to you, it'll just sound like Im complaining.
"Sometimes I just want to shut off our phones....
Just so you and me could talk online more...
Tell each other how much we miss each other...
write to the world how much we love each other...
To pay more attention to each other, when we're with each other...
Sometimes I want to take away the car....
Just so we could feel how valuable our time is with each other...
Willing to get as much change just to see each other...
To feel the love for each other, by how much we get worried about each other going home alone...
Sometimes....
I wish I wasnt so love...
I wish I could 'man up'...
I wish I didnt want to be the princess...
I wish there was no such thing as tears...
I wish there was no such thing as pain..
or hope
or wishes
Sometimes...
I wish we were from back in the day...
Where we'd both be working hard, and the best thing in the world is to sit at the table with your wife, husband, and kids.
Where there was no television...
Where there were no cars...
Where cheating on your loved one, was something that got you killed...
Where people took the time to write, and mail letters...
Where love was the strongest thing ever...."
I was watching that 'cheesy robin hood' [as you would say] and a guy was paying the church to be with his wife [I didnt really follow why]
and he was so poor... every time he made ANYTHING... even 12 shillings, he would run there, just to pay to get his wife from the church, so he could finally get married to her.
You are so busy with seeing me, that I dont notice that you dont have time for romance... but more time of 'seeing me'
Your always talking to me, that I dont notice you dont have time to talk about me,... but more of talking 'to me'
Your so busy telling me you love me, that I dont notice you dont you dont have time to tell the world you love me,... but more time of telling 'me' you love me.
So there for, I worry, I complain, Im in pain, I doubt, I wonder, I cry, I beg, I seek, I pleed, I try, I show, I hurt, and all in all, I dont see a change.
But like I said, your too busy being with me, that everything else 'must be canceled out' because as long as your with me... you dont have to tell the world, you dont have to be romantic, or you dont have to talk 'about me' right?
My life revolves around you. I dont want to do things... without you there, but I have to...
As you do too...
I just want too much in life, and I just miss how things used to be.
I miss seeing you post about me.... ALL THE TIME...
but you dont even care to go online anymore... you just want to talk to me.
I miss you wanting to get on the bus.... just to see me for an hour or two...
I miss you comming into my room and surprising me...
I feel like if something happened to us...
I feel like you were the first to tell me you loved me, and you'd be the first one to stop saying it...
as I was the last to say I loved you...
and I'd be the last to say it between us.
I just miss you so much...
and I feel like you dont miss me as much.
I feel like I love you so much more...
More than you love me.
In the past few days you missed:
Me dancing with just your red sweater on, and no underwear...
Me hugging your sweater when I go to bed...
Me sleeping next to a pillow now, cause it makes me feel less alone...
Me watching a bunch of movies alone...
Me job searching... alone...
And.... me...
being alone.
I miss you so much =[ and whenever I say 'I wish I could see you' all you can do is 'i cant take days off, not this late in the season!' blah blah blah....
I wish I could see you tonight, but your probably not wanting to because you have work in the morning...
but I do.... DO hope I get to see you wednesday night, and thursday...
and I hope you get to come with me on saturday
but if you have work saturday, I understand...
I love you and miss you
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
blot 2 OMG I WANT!
why didnt I see this page before?!?! OMG I WANT THE INDIAN ONE!!! I want like... ALL OF THESE!!!
I guess thats why I should have a job lol
so I can look sexy for you xp
but these are sooooo expensive!
here are my favs: [you dont have to look at all of them right now if your tired]
http://www.yandy.com/Indian-Maiden-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Floppy-Bunny-Rabbit-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Fox-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Indian-Warrior-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Groovy-Woodstock-Baby.php
http://www.yandy.com/Honey-Bee-37.php
http://www.yandy.com/Lovely-Lady-Bug-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Plaid-Schoolgirl-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Seductive-Squaw.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Asian-Girl.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Play-Bunny.php
http://www.yandy.com/Striped-Skirt-and-Lace-Top-Set.php
http://www.yandy.com/Prrfection-Leopard-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Mistress-Pirate.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Kandy-Korn-Witch.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Panda-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Naughty-Pussycat-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Wolf-Costume.php
lol gingerbread girl
http://www.yandy.com/Gingerbread-Girl.php
HEY LOOK! its cheshire the cat,... only its blue for some odd reason.
http://www.yandy.com/Cheshire-Cat-Costume.php
and here is a different cheshire the cat
http://www.yandy.com/Clubbin-Kitty-Costume.php
another cheshire the cat... I would buy just the leggings if I could
http://www.yandy.com/Cheshire-Cat-Halloween-Costume.php
ANYWAYS!!
which ones do you like so I can order it in the morning:
just click it, and when you put your curser over the picture, you should be able to magnify it... to make it bigger.
Um.... I WANNA GO! http://www.ravelinks.com/forums/f100/nov26-basshunter-global-fridays-the-church-419919/
I guess thats why I should have a job lol
so I can look sexy for you xp
but these are sooooo expensive!
here are my favs: [you dont have to look at all of them right now if your tired]
http://www.yandy.com/Indian-Maiden-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Floppy-Bunny-Rabbit-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Fox-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Indian-Warrior-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Groovy-Woodstock-Baby.php
http://www.yandy.com/Honey-Bee-37.php
http://www.yandy.com/Lovely-Lady-Bug-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Plaid-Schoolgirl-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Seductive-Squaw.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Asian-Girl.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Play-Bunny.php
http://www.yandy.com/Striped-Skirt-and-Lace-Top-Set.php
http://www.yandy.com/Prrfection-Leopard-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Mistress-Pirate.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Kandy-Korn-Witch.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Panda-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Naughty-Pussycat-Costume.php
http://www.yandy.com/Sexy-Wolf-Costume.php
lol gingerbread girl
http://www.yandy.com/Gingerbread-Girl.php
HEY LOOK! its cheshire the cat,... only its blue for some odd reason.
http://www.yandy.com/Cheshire-Cat-Costume.php
and here is a different cheshire the cat
http://www.yandy.com/Clubbin-Kitty-Costume.php
another cheshire the cat... I would buy just the leggings if I could
http://www.yandy.com/Cheshire-Cat-Halloween-Costume.php
ANYWAYS!!
which ones do you like so I can order it in the morning:
just click it, and when you put your curser over the picture, you should be able to magnify it... to make it bigger.
Um.... I WANNA GO! http://www.ravelinks.com/forums/f100/nov26-basshunter-global-fridays-the-church-419919/
A Job
So I hope your not mad at me because I didnt go off and look for a job...
I want to know what your thinking... thats what I was thinking about last night...
'why' you were pushing me so hard to get a job... And all I could think was 'he wants me to have a job or he might think im a horrible gf' or something along those lines...
but I did fill out applications online.
Anyways, I made a new facebook for business, modeling use only. or like,... a place I cant post my depressing shit.
anyways, so my dad and cassie settled things.. but than cassie talked to this guy [i forgot what hes called, but pretty much if someone wants to fire someone, or if someone wants to talk about being fired, in an unfair way] anyways! she talked to him, lets call him carl... so she talked to carl about her boss wanting to fire her... carl said that her boss was telling him 'he wants to have a group meeting, and try to fix things' and that he told carl something different. so carl, cassie and her boss wanna have a meeting about this... but 'boss' will know that my dad was the one who told cassie that he wants to fire her.
so that means..... my dad could get in trouble since their boss doesnt like him either. in fact, their boss doesnt like my dad's little gang at all.
and so if my dad looses his job, he said it wouldnt be so hard to find another one, but he would want to move back to the springs...
=[
I dont wanna move, or leave you, or anything
I hope nothing bad happens
Anyways, I love you
I want to know what your thinking... thats what I was thinking about last night...
'why' you were pushing me so hard to get a job... And all I could think was 'he wants me to have a job or he might think im a horrible gf' or something along those lines...
but I did fill out applications online.
Anyways, I made a new facebook for business, modeling use only. or like,... a place I cant post my depressing shit.
anyways, so my dad and cassie settled things.. but than cassie talked to this guy [i forgot what hes called, but pretty much if someone wants to fire someone, or if someone wants to talk about being fired, in an unfair way] anyways! she talked to him, lets call him carl... so she talked to carl about her boss wanting to fire her... carl said that her boss was telling him 'he wants to have a group meeting, and try to fix things' and that he told carl something different. so carl, cassie and her boss wanna have a meeting about this... but 'boss' will know that my dad was the one who told cassie that he wants to fire her.
so that means..... my dad could get in trouble since their boss doesnt like him either. in fact, their boss doesnt like my dad's little gang at all.
and so if my dad looses his job, he said it wouldnt be so hard to find another one, but he would want to move back to the springs...
=[
I dont wanna move, or leave you, or anything
I hope nothing bad happens
Anyways, I love you
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Do You Remember?
Do you remember when we first met?
And do you remember when we went to Raves?
And how I was upset, and we went to wendy's?
I was kinda nervous being around you alone without the other guys there too....
I didnt exactly know what to say, as I always would be when meeting new people.
And remember how we used to try to get online at the same time so we could talk to each other?
And how we kept missing each other... you and your silly games I tell ya. lol.
Remember how we went to the zuni's park [or whatever its called]
and you'd sit there with me when I was bored...
I really just wanted to lay down, and I wanted you to lay with me.
And on the way home, I held your hand for the first time....
I wanted to hold your hand all the way home.
I wanted you to come over everyday so I could hear your voice and see your face...
Do you remember getting butterflies? Or that feeling you may get when you just want to say so much stuff, but you get too scared to say anything because you might mess up? or that feeling when you accidently touch my hand, or that feeling you get when you know we're about to see each other, or when we try to impress each other...
You wernt my type, but I found that I really liked you anyways...
And though you've done drugs, and didnt have a great past, I was really hoping that you may wanted to be with me,...
and maybe somewhere in you, you wanted to spend the rest of your life with one person, and not go from girl to girl...
So when we were on the bus, talking about kids...
I was surprised you said anything about even having a kid with someone.
And than I didnt want to rush things,....
so I didnt want to say certain things because I was afraid it might scare you away.
So whenever you say that we're gonna be with each other forever, or talk about getting married, or having kids [in a good convo] or moving in with each other, it kinda gives me butterflies...
I fell for you more and more, and I could just see how much you cared, and liked me...
I loved getting online and seeing all the stuff you post, and it made me smile, and just want to hold you whenever I saw stuff like that.
I do still wish I could see more of that.... because they really make me smile, and feel like you do still love me, and I like seeing stuff like that, because its like a guy bringing home his wife the most beautiful flowers... sometimes it takes a little more to keep the relationship romantic, and cute....
even if it is just online, and even if it is often.
Sometimes I look at your profile, or mine [modeling one] just to re-read the conversations we had before we even met.
Yea,..... I wasnt the nicest person ever xD
But I guess I kinda thought you were just some guy trying to start a convo with me so you could get in my pants.
And than you invited me out....
And so I thought that was pretty nice.
And now all I can think about is sticking together, holding on, and keeping us alive...
spending the rest of my life with you, making you smile, and doing special things for you..
having our own place, and painting the walls, and having a job, and having a home photography job, and having the store job...
and buying furniture... and organizing the place, having it a fun place, but creative...
And fixing our room, and putting away the past, and setting up a future, putting stuff up in the room that would resemble 'us'
And having friends over, and having beanbags everywhere =]
And video taping our friends get drunk
And of course, getting you a car before we even think of getting a place lol.
And than maybe move? unless you really wanna stay here...
and than maybe save for a house? or town house? or rent a house?
and maybe sometime before we're old and in our 30s [lol] maybe have a child?
or whatever you wanna do xD
I just want you in my life, next to me, holding me in bed...
till we grow old
And we could be the old couple trying to race each other into the store =]
Because I love you
And do you remember when we went to Raves?
And how I was upset, and we went to wendy's?
I was kinda nervous being around you alone without the other guys there too....
I didnt exactly know what to say, as I always would be when meeting new people.
And remember how we used to try to get online at the same time so we could talk to each other?
And how we kept missing each other... you and your silly games I tell ya. lol.
Remember how we went to the zuni's park [or whatever its called]
and you'd sit there with me when I was bored...
I really just wanted to lay down, and I wanted you to lay with me.
And on the way home, I held your hand for the first time....
I wanted to hold your hand all the way home.
I wanted you to come over everyday so I could hear your voice and see your face...
Do you remember getting butterflies? Or that feeling you may get when you just want to say so much stuff, but you get too scared to say anything because you might mess up? or that feeling when you accidently touch my hand, or that feeling you get when you know we're about to see each other, or when we try to impress each other...
You wernt my type, but I found that I really liked you anyways...
And though you've done drugs, and didnt have a great past, I was really hoping that you may wanted to be with me,...
and maybe somewhere in you, you wanted to spend the rest of your life with one person, and not go from girl to girl...
So when we were on the bus, talking about kids...
I was surprised you said anything about even having a kid with someone.
And than I didnt want to rush things,....
so I didnt want to say certain things because I was afraid it might scare you away.
So whenever you say that we're gonna be with each other forever, or talk about getting married, or having kids [in a good convo] or moving in with each other, it kinda gives me butterflies...
I fell for you more and more, and I could just see how much you cared, and liked me...
I loved getting online and seeing all the stuff you post, and it made me smile, and just want to hold you whenever I saw stuff like that.
I do still wish I could see more of that.... because they really make me smile, and feel like you do still love me, and I like seeing stuff like that, because its like a guy bringing home his wife the most beautiful flowers... sometimes it takes a little more to keep the relationship romantic, and cute....
even if it is just online, and even if it is often.
Sometimes I look at your profile, or mine [modeling one] just to re-read the conversations we had before we even met.
Yea,..... I wasnt the nicest person ever xD
But I guess I kinda thought you were just some guy trying to start a convo with me so you could get in my pants.
And than you invited me out....
And so I thought that was pretty nice.
And now all I can think about is sticking together, holding on, and keeping us alive...
spending the rest of my life with you, making you smile, and doing special things for you..
having our own place, and painting the walls, and having a job, and having a home photography job, and having the store job...
and buying furniture... and organizing the place, having it a fun place, but creative...
And fixing our room, and putting away the past, and setting up a future, putting stuff up in the room that would resemble 'us'
And having friends over, and having beanbags everywhere =]
And video taping our friends get drunk
And of course, getting you a car before we even think of getting a place lol.
And than maybe move? unless you really wanna stay here...
and than maybe save for a house? or town house? or rent a house?
and maybe sometime before we're old and in our 30s [lol] maybe have a child?
or whatever you wanna do xD
I just want you in my life, next to me, holding me in bed...
till we grow old
And we could be the old couple trying to race each other into the store =]
Because I love you
Monday, October 4, 2010
I woke up...
I woke up, and you wernt there...
I woke up, and looked at my phone...
5:55 it said...
You told me you'd text before you go to work...
I kinda thought you'd text me on the way to work...
So where is this text of yours? So I sent you one...
No response, so I sent another,...
It just didnt feel right, so yet again, I sent another, wondering why I didnt wake up to a text from you.
Texts in the morning make me feel that your next to me, saying 'good morning'
And when I wake up to nothing, I feel like your not there.
So I ended up calling you, and your phone says it was either turned off, because its lost, or your out of the area....
So I thought 'where could he be that he has no service? He cant be in the mountains, because he would have told me'
If he was on his break.... wouldnt he have gotten someone else's phone just to text me to say he is alright?
Or am I thinking too much of him?
I guess im just worried...
Am I acting 'too' worried?
I guess Im just sad that I have to go a day without talking to him, without knowing he is ok...
I miss him, and the way things used to be...
Im selfish, wanting so much attention from him, wanting him to give me all his attention...
But than again, he gets 'worried' when I made a new friend...
so I guess in a way we're on the same path...
And than I think even more....
Thinking that I did something wrong, and he decided to turn his phone off, or change his number...
And that out of nowhere he decided that he didnt want to be with me, because of the abortion conversation...
or maybe your upset at me, because of something else I said yesterday...
or something I did...
maybe my dream made you realize something.... that maybe you dont really want to be with me...
maybe your really mad about the modeling thing...
but than I think... 'he is not like other guys, he wouldnt do that to me... he loves me just as much as I love him'
And than I think that you just want your space...
but than I think... 'everyone else's phone doesnt have service there so he cant get ahold of me'
And than I think 'how is he going to get home? I wish to ask his mom where he was dropped off at'
but than I think Im worrying too much
And maybe you dont find that attractive when a girl worries too much...
I just want to keep calling you....
Im going crazy not knowing if your alright....
Is there something wrong with me?
Why do I think so much more than other people?
or do other people think as much as I do? Just dont show it?
Im still afraid that you'll want to leave me....
I still have nightmares...
And the one the other night,... I saw your face so clearly... it felt so real...
Im glad that I woke up before you could say the words....
but I hear them in my head...
And I could still see your face...
You looked sad, but you looked sure....
I hope I never have to hear those words.
I love you with all my heart.
I hope today goes well for you, and I hope your safe.
Im off to get that tutu....
I wish you could tell me the best way to get there,
your mom said its off of sheridan and 52nd...
I want to get it before anyone else does...
my dad gave me $100 for SCA stuff....
he wants to come with me later to get costumes there.... but im not gonna tell him I got the tutu
anyways, I love you babe.
and miss you so much
I woke up, and looked at my phone...
5:55 it said...
You told me you'd text before you go to work...
I kinda thought you'd text me on the way to work...
So where is this text of yours? So I sent you one...
No response, so I sent another,...
It just didnt feel right, so yet again, I sent another, wondering why I didnt wake up to a text from you.
Texts in the morning make me feel that your next to me, saying 'good morning'
And when I wake up to nothing, I feel like your not there.
So I ended up calling you, and your phone says it was either turned off, because its lost, or your out of the area....
So I thought 'where could he be that he has no service? He cant be in the mountains, because he would have told me'
If he was on his break.... wouldnt he have gotten someone else's phone just to text me to say he is alright?
Or am I thinking too much of him?
I guess im just worried...
Am I acting 'too' worried?
I guess Im just sad that I have to go a day without talking to him, without knowing he is ok...
I miss him, and the way things used to be...
Im selfish, wanting so much attention from him, wanting him to give me all his attention...
But than again, he gets 'worried' when I made a new friend...
so I guess in a way we're on the same path...
And than I think even more....
Thinking that I did something wrong, and he decided to turn his phone off, or change his number...
And that out of nowhere he decided that he didnt want to be with me, because of the abortion conversation...
or maybe your upset at me, because of something else I said yesterday...
or something I did...
maybe my dream made you realize something.... that maybe you dont really want to be with me...
maybe your really mad about the modeling thing...
but than I think... 'he is not like other guys, he wouldnt do that to me... he loves me just as much as I love him'
And than I think that you just want your space...
but than I think... 'everyone else's phone doesnt have service there so he cant get ahold of me'
And than I think 'how is he going to get home? I wish to ask his mom where he was dropped off at'
but than I think Im worrying too much
And maybe you dont find that attractive when a girl worries too much...
I just want to keep calling you....
Im going crazy not knowing if your alright....
Is there something wrong with me?
Why do I think so much more than other people?
or do other people think as much as I do? Just dont show it?
Im still afraid that you'll want to leave me....
I still have nightmares...
And the one the other night,... I saw your face so clearly... it felt so real...
Im glad that I woke up before you could say the words....
but I hear them in my head...
And I could still see your face...
You looked sad, but you looked sure....
I hope I never have to hear those words.
I love you with all my heart.
I hope today goes well for you, and I hope your safe.
Im off to get that tutu....
I wish you could tell me the best way to get there,
your mom said its off of sheridan and 52nd...
I want to get it before anyone else does...
my dad gave me $100 for SCA stuff....
he wants to come with me later to get costumes there.... but im not gonna tell him I got the tutu
anyways, I love you babe.
and miss you so much
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Photograph
So I've been sitting here all day,... staring at your pictures...
Missing you...
missing how we always had fun.
So besides that,... I went to work out for a lil... than did laundry,... than found my nail polish... than messed up my room [im sorry] cause I was looking for my leggings, which I didnt find, and my plad skirt.... which I did find. and than I lost my nail polish... ugh.
I hate it when my dad coughs and ever covers his mouth!!! makes me feel soo icky.
OH!!!! omg, I found the CUTEST costume ever!!!!!!!! I sooooooooooo want iiiittttt!!!!!
soooo baaaadddd!!!!
Hopefully after Deathwish I could maybe afford it... its $35
but I think you'd like it...
and I wanna go to hallowfreaknween just cause its on the 30th lol
yes, JUST because its on the 30th....
I so wanna do something for halloween other than stand around at a club ='(
Missing you...
missing how we always had fun.
So besides that,... I went to work out for a lil... than did laundry,... than found my nail polish... than messed up my room [im sorry] cause I was looking for my leggings, which I didnt find, and my plad skirt.... which I did find. and than I lost my nail polish... ugh.
I hate it when my dad coughs and ever covers his mouth!!! makes me feel soo icky.
OH!!!! omg, I found the CUTEST costume ever!!!!!!!! I sooooooooooo want iiiittttt!!!!!
soooo baaaadddd!!!!
Hopefully after Deathwish I could maybe afford it... its $35
but I think you'd like it...
and I wanna go to hallowfreaknween just cause its on the 30th lol
yes, JUST because its on the 30th....
I so wanna do something for halloween other than stand around at a club ='(
Monday, September 20, 2010
About You
You've seen how much I write about people in my life...
You saw that before we were dating...
Did you expect that I wouldnt write about you?
Of course I would....
So please, would you mind answering these for me?
Are you mad that I write about you?
Do you even 'like' reading my stuff anymore?
I want to know whats on your mind all the time... Do you still wonder whats on my mind?
Are we still a new couple? Or have you grown old of my actions?
Am I on your mind?
Do you listen to songs that remind you of me?
Because I still think about you all the time...
I still dream about you...
I still want to fall asleep in your arms all the time.
I still listen to songs that remind you of me.
I always want to know whats on your mind...
Sometimes I think I talk too much, and might scare you away
I always think I might scare you away.
I smile when you fall asleep next to me, with your hand on my chest...
I smile when you fall asleep on my lap...
I smile when I get to hold you...
But I cry inside because I never want to let you go...
I become sad if I dont know if I'll get to see you
for a day, two, or three...
for an hour or two...
Yes, I'll give you your free time, as I want mine...
But I'll still be sad I dont get to see you, or touch you.
I may seem like every other girl... being so loving, and too clingy, and too needy...
But I play the actions of the heart...
And my heart will show on my face...
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
If I could, I'd write songs for you,...
If I could, I'd sing for you.
I've given you my life...
I've given you my heart.
At one point of time I thought 'I put too much hope into getting a place with him"
But no matter what, I never put 'too much' hope or thought into anything with you.
I will never regret anything with you that made me smile once...
Because everything that happens with me and you, is exactly how I want it to be...
If you get what I mean.
You just make me so happy...
Even though we're two different people, I still love you for who you are.
And I just keep thinking about the past...
Why you would pick a girl like me...
And I hope its not that you found something broken, and thought you'd just try and fix it to say something good about yourself...
I hope that you found me, and found what ever little beauty in me, and fell in love with it.
I hope you found some good, and saw that it could be greater in the future...
I hope that you found love in me, through the eyes of hate...
And saw that I could love a person more than they were ever loved, if they just gave me a chance...
But with everything being so little, it seems to be forgotten... lost,... or turns invisible to someone's eyes after a while...
My hate and anger seems to get in the way...
It seems to overtake...
But it never actually does.
Im sorry it hurts you, and I will, and try to fix that.
But please know,.. it wont just 'go away'
And untill I take classes...
I will either tell you almost every time Im angry...
Or just lock it inside, and smile,... Acting like everythings alright.
I will ignore my heart when it breaks,...
Because right now, I just want us to work...
I want to be there for you... as you've been there for me.
I feel like I have to do more now...
Because when I was there for you, when I was trying to work things out, when I was trying to help,... You didnt seem to notice one bit.
When I sacrifice things for you, you never noticed.
When I did things for you, you've seem to have forgotten them.
As you told Krystal 'she's actually trying 'now'' as if I never tried before...
So everything I did back than... seemed to have gone straight down the drain...
I wouldnt say it was a 'waste' or 'a waste of my time' because everything I do for you is never a waste of time.
But it did turn invisible...
I thank you for everything you do for me...
and I've told you that before...
I always thank you for helping me, supporting me, being there...
But I feel like you just thank me for your smiles.
So now, I will try and prove to you even more, even harder....
Im trying,... I will try...
More than a couple even should try...
And Im ok with that...
Though I think you should accept me for who I am...
Im ok with trying to prove myself to you...
Because I want this to work...
So because I am holding all my anger in, or just 'explaining' to you my anger [which doesnt always work]
Because Im holding it in till I take my classes....
It will build up more and more...
So sometimes there is going to be moments that I will just break down and cry...
or just want to go home, or break things, or rip things up....
But I promise I wont do it around you..
if anything happens around you, it'll be that I just dont feel like talking for an hour or something.
I dont want to be a normal couple anymore... where we get into stupid arguments like little kids...
I never want to be in a relationship, where we have to scream at the top of our lungs...
I want a perfect family, as most girls want.
Im glad to know that you want one too...
I hope it stays that way....
I hope you never change your mind...
I want to be with you forever...
Even if your friends with people who hate me...
and if I hate people your friends with...
However, note it would probably never be like that for you.
I just dont find a reason to put you through that, but than again, I've always been alright with loosing friends.
Its reality.
My reality is that no one is there for me when I really need them.
And face it,... there are, and will be more times you wont be there for me.
And no, Im not trying to make you feel guilty or anything...
But if you want this relationship to work, I will speak my mind when I want, and when I feel like it...
No more miss communications...
The only time I will hold back, and lock my anger inside, is when Im not angry at you, not irritated at you, or have to think about the situation first.
No, that doesnt mean Im going to ignore you.
But again, I am not trying to make you feel guilty, but this is how I see things for right now.
I will try to make things work, I will try to make things better...
But I will, and always will still have my feelings.
This probably made you smile at one point of time, and after reading more and more, your smile probably faded away...
Im sorry.
I always want to make you smile...
I always want to see you happy...
I always want to see you texting people... and when they ask you how your doing...
I always want to see that your doing great...
Because I always want to make you happy.
I always want to text you, but sometimes I dont like texting, or that Im busy...
But even if I am busy, I want you to know, that your still on my mind...
I always want a thousand texts from you, saying goodnight, and trying to get the last word.
I always want to call you,... even if Im in town....
I always want to remember how we made such a huge effort to get online at the same time, just so we could talk when we didnt have our phones...
I just want to make you happier than you have ever been...
I want to make you smile more than any friend could, or any other girl...
I want you to feel higher than you've ever been....
But I feel like im boring sometimes...
all the time...
='(
I want to take you out to the movies, out to dinner,... I want to take you to places you've never been, I want to take you to the most nicest place you've ever seen...
But Im new here... and dont know where anything is at.
If we were in Cali... I could take you to fun places to eat,... I could sneak you into the movies... I could take you to hidden beaches, I could take you to cool tide pool places, we could watch the sunset to rise onto the other side of the world...
I want to make videos of the two of us...
of our lives...
Like old movies...
And watch them over and over when I miss you...
I just want to focus on making things work between me and you...
keeping things good between us...
and making you happy...
Because babe, I dont know what I'd do without you.
You are my life.
my sun, my stars...
And your my memories with new ones to come...
I love you Jared
You saw that before we were dating...
Did you expect that I wouldnt write about you?
Of course I would....
So please, would you mind answering these for me?
Are you mad that I write about you?
Do you even 'like' reading my stuff anymore?
I want to know whats on your mind all the time... Do you still wonder whats on my mind?
Are we still a new couple? Or have you grown old of my actions?
Am I on your mind?
Do you listen to songs that remind you of me?
Because I still think about you all the time...
I still dream about you...
I still want to fall asleep in your arms all the time.
I still listen to songs that remind you of me.
I always want to know whats on your mind...
Sometimes I think I talk too much, and might scare you away
I always think I might scare you away.
I smile when you fall asleep next to me, with your hand on my chest...
I smile when you fall asleep on my lap...
I smile when I get to hold you...
But I cry inside because I never want to let you go...
I become sad if I dont know if I'll get to see you
for a day, two, or three...
for an hour or two...
Yes, I'll give you your free time, as I want mine...
But I'll still be sad I dont get to see you, or touch you.
I may seem like every other girl... being so loving, and too clingy, and too needy...
But I play the actions of the heart...
And my heart will show on my face...
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
If I could, I'd write songs for you,...
If I could, I'd sing for you.
I've given you my life...
I've given you my heart.
At one point of time I thought 'I put too much hope into getting a place with him"
But no matter what, I never put 'too much' hope or thought into anything with you.
I will never regret anything with you that made me smile once...
Because everything that happens with me and you, is exactly how I want it to be...
If you get what I mean.
You just make me so happy...
Even though we're two different people, I still love you for who you are.
And I just keep thinking about the past...
Why you would pick a girl like me...
And I hope its not that you found something broken, and thought you'd just try and fix it to say something good about yourself...
I hope that you found me, and found what ever little beauty in me, and fell in love with it.
I hope you found some good, and saw that it could be greater in the future...
I hope that you found love in me, through the eyes of hate...
And saw that I could love a person more than they were ever loved, if they just gave me a chance...
But with everything being so little, it seems to be forgotten... lost,... or turns invisible to someone's eyes after a while...
My hate and anger seems to get in the way...
It seems to overtake...
But it never actually does.
Im sorry it hurts you, and I will, and try to fix that.
But please know,.. it wont just 'go away'
And untill I take classes...
I will either tell you almost every time Im angry...
Or just lock it inside, and smile,... Acting like everythings alright.
I will ignore my heart when it breaks,...
Because right now, I just want us to work...
I want to be there for you... as you've been there for me.
I feel like I have to do more now...
Because when I was there for you, when I was trying to work things out, when I was trying to help,... You didnt seem to notice one bit.
When I sacrifice things for you, you never noticed.
When I did things for you, you've seem to have forgotten them.
As you told Krystal 'she's actually trying 'now'' as if I never tried before...
So everything I did back than... seemed to have gone straight down the drain...
I wouldnt say it was a 'waste' or 'a waste of my time' because everything I do for you is never a waste of time.
But it did turn invisible...
I thank you for everything you do for me...
and I've told you that before...
I always thank you for helping me, supporting me, being there...
But I feel like you just thank me for your smiles.
So now, I will try and prove to you even more, even harder....
Im trying,... I will try...
More than a couple even should try...
And Im ok with that...
Though I think you should accept me for who I am...
Im ok with trying to prove myself to you...
Because I want this to work...
So because I am holding all my anger in, or just 'explaining' to you my anger [which doesnt always work]
Because Im holding it in till I take my classes....
It will build up more and more...
So sometimes there is going to be moments that I will just break down and cry...
or just want to go home, or break things, or rip things up....
But I promise I wont do it around you..
if anything happens around you, it'll be that I just dont feel like talking for an hour or something.
I dont want to be a normal couple anymore... where we get into stupid arguments like little kids...
I never want to be in a relationship, where we have to scream at the top of our lungs...
I want a perfect family, as most girls want.
Im glad to know that you want one too...
I hope it stays that way....
I hope you never change your mind...
I want to be with you forever...
Even if your friends with people who hate me...
and if I hate people your friends with...
However, note it would probably never be like that for you.
I just dont find a reason to put you through that, but than again, I've always been alright with loosing friends.
Its reality.
My reality is that no one is there for me when I really need them.
And face it,... there are, and will be more times you wont be there for me.
And no, Im not trying to make you feel guilty or anything...
But if you want this relationship to work, I will speak my mind when I want, and when I feel like it...
No more miss communications...
The only time I will hold back, and lock my anger inside, is when Im not angry at you, not irritated at you, or have to think about the situation first.
No, that doesnt mean Im going to ignore you.
But again, I am not trying to make you feel guilty, but this is how I see things for right now.
I will try to make things work, I will try to make things better...
But I will, and always will still have my feelings.
This probably made you smile at one point of time, and after reading more and more, your smile probably faded away...
Im sorry.
I always want to make you smile...
I always want to see you happy...
I always want to see you texting people... and when they ask you how your doing...
I always want to see that your doing great...
Because I always want to make you happy.
I always want to text you, but sometimes I dont like texting, or that Im busy...
But even if I am busy, I want you to know, that your still on my mind...
I always want a thousand texts from you, saying goodnight, and trying to get the last word.
I always want to call you,... even if Im in town....
I always want to remember how we made such a huge effort to get online at the same time, just so we could talk when we didnt have our phones...
I just want to make you happier than you have ever been...
I want to make you smile more than any friend could, or any other girl...
I want you to feel higher than you've ever been....
But I feel like im boring sometimes...
all the time...
='(
I want to take you out to the movies, out to dinner,... I want to take you to places you've never been, I want to take you to the most nicest place you've ever seen...
But Im new here... and dont know where anything is at.
If we were in Cali... I could take you to fun places to eat,... I could sneak you into the movies... I could take you to hidden beaches, I could take you to cool tide pool places, we could watch the sunset to rise onto the other side of the world...
I want to make videos of the two of us...
of our lives...
Like old movies...
And watch them over and over when I miss you...
I just want to focus on making things work between me and you...
keeping things good between us...
and making you happy...
Because babe, I dont know what I'd do without you.
You are my life.
my sun, my stars...
And your my memories with new ones to come...
I love you Jared
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